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Poop: The Enemy of Men

Farting, bad gas, silent-but-deadlies, being constipated, having the runs, farting in the office and having someone walk in unexpectedly. For whatever reason all of this stuff strikes a chord with men in their early childhood, follows them throughout all their schooling and remains with them through adulthood. When I'm watching the Mighty B with my son or SpongeBob with anyone or even when my kids or I fart, it's just funny.

The laughter stops once doo doo is involved.

Now I know there are people who get off on doo doo (I try not to think about them), but most of the humor evaporates once the notion of poop is on the table. Long before my daughter was born I swore I would never touch another human's poop. Well I've lived to regret that statement and along my daughter's journey I've screamed countless times and come close to vomiting on occasion all because of poop. It's not about changing her, but getting poop on me.

Last week I was changing my daughter and she just happens to be at that stage in her development where she insists on exploring herself. Normally, she's pretty good at keeping her hands above her waist until I'm done. But on this day she managed to scoop a dollop of poop on her index finger, say, "Daddy, stinky!" and bring her finger toward her mouth. Simultaneously, I did some kind of Jet Li move where I grabbed a wipe, held her legs down, caught her little hand, wiped all of her fingers clean and yelled, "What are you doing? No!" all in one fluid motion.

Of course Big Mama heard all this and came stalking down the hallway in her heels.

"You don't have to yell at her like that!" she yells at me.

"I wasn't yelling at her," I explained, damn near out of breath. "I got excited 'cause she was getting ready to put poop in her mouth."

She went on to explain that I still should've spoken differently. I suggested maybe the way she does when she's yelling at my daughter to sit still while she's combing her hair. She shot me a look and went back to the front of the house.

When it comes to poop, I will yell every time.

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