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But I Don't Have Breasts... (ode to Foot Doctor)

Elephant Feet

I went to the foot doctor so he could see what he could see

I was caught off guard when the he was actually a she.

Shy I became and caught up with emotion,

Regretting leaving the house without using any lotion.

She had me walk around a bit without shoes and socks,

I said, "God, please no bad news," as I looked up at the clock.

We did a quick ultrasound, like the one the mommies get,

Except there was no heartbeat in my foot, no squiggling and no kick.

"You have some torn tissue, just below your heel."

"Do you have to amputate, Doc?" She laughed and said, "Get real."

But before my foot doctor visit was through,

...I learned some things about me, brand new

My arches reach skyward trying to kiss the heavens above,

Making my feet fall wrong and crash with a thud.

She measured me for high-tech inserts, the ones you can't get in stores.

"Once you're wearing these," she said, "Your feet will never be sore."

"But my left foot don't hurt," I began to protest.

"That's cuz your left leg is shorter," is what she said next.

"Whaaaaat?!!! I exclaimed while trying to catch my breath.

"It's no biggie, just like a woman who has 2 different sized breasts."

"But I don't have breasts...so what happens next?"

"Oh, you're fine Mr. Payne, please do not fret.

I'm also prescribing Athlete's Foot cream, everyday between your toes."

"Good lord, is there anything else? Is there something wrong with my nose?"

"You're funny, Mr. Payne...Very funny indeed."

I didn't even get around to mention the issue with my knee.

I left with my prescriptions, exercises and return appointment card,

Thinking, What tha Hell? I should'a never got outta my car!

A true story, told as a poem... and those are elephant's feet, not mine...

Photo Source: Flickr

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