Saturday

The Top Ten Crazy-Statements This Dad Makes

If you grew up with one or both of your parents, you most certainly have either a short or long list of sayings that one or both parents got into the habit of saying while caring for/disciplining/chastising you. You know these words were said more to test you back once you began to test them as if to ask, "you really want to go there?" And you never did. And no matter how wild or brazen mom's crazy-statements were, dad was able to effortlessly take crazy-statements to an incomprehensible level. In honor of Father's Day I've decided to list down the ten things I say weekly and sometimes more to my kids. Some are son-specific, most are equally applicable and all are said with love. I used to think my dad was ridiculous for his sayings. Now, I belong to the club of the ridiculous.

Why is the front door unlocked? If I get robbed I'm putting all of y'all out in the street!
Keep it up and I will hang you upside down by your toenails...yeah, really.
Who left these lights on? I will empty your college fund out right now and go on vacation.
I didn't hear you...what did you say? (pause and lean in close to hear) You sure you want to repeat that?
You got five seconds to get it together --- 5...4...3...2...1 (repeated twice)
Oh my God, go to bed! The only thing going on right now is me trying to get some sleep.
Don't show up at my front door after curfew. No, I mean, don't bother coming home and don't think you're coming home the next day either.
Your what? (lean in and pause for answer - usually silence) Nothing in here is yours except the body God gave you.
(To my son after he says something ridiculous) Do I have to punch you in the head?
(While driving) Hold on... (while pulling to side of road or highway or into some parking lot in the middle of nowhere) Get out. Since you got so much mouth you can talk your way home. Good luck with that.

Spending a little bit of time thinking about the above list brought a smile to my face. I've said it all with no malice at all on my heart in an effort to coach, direct and love my kids.

I love my kids.

Happy Father's Day.

Want to add to this list? Please do in the comments and please keep in mind this is all in fun, anything offensive won't be posted.

Thanks for reading! Follow me on Twitter at @EPayneTheDad.

Why is the front door unlocked? If I get robbed I'm putting all of y'all out in the street!
Keep it up and I will hang you upside down by your toenails...yeah, really.
Who left these lights on? I will empty your college fund out right now and go on vacation.
I didn't hear you...what did you say? (pause and lean in close to hear) You sure you want to repeat that?
You got five seconds to get it together --- 5...4...3...2...1 (repeated twice)
Oh my God, go to bed! The only thing going on right now is me trying to get some sleep.
Don't show up at my front door after curfew. No, I mean, don't bother coming home and don't think you're coming home the next day either.
Your what? (lean in and pause for answer - usually silence) Nothing in here is yours except the body God gave you.
(To my son after he says something ridiculous) Do I have to punch you in the head?
(While driving) Hold on... (while pulling to side of road or highway or into some parking lot in the middle of nowhere) Get out. Since you got so much mouth you can talk your way home. Good luck with that.