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What A Single Woman Wants: Part 5

A few weeks back I got to thinking, what if I had a few single women speak on what a single woman wants in a relationship? It would be the perfect opportunity for us folks in the married club to get a check-up. To either take stock on what we have or take note on where we as men might be falling short. After all, it may seem as if it were ancient history but once upon a time our wives were single too!

This week's entry is from Diamonte Hamlett. She blogs over at Single-Handed Mom. It is only in it's nascent stages but it's pretty darn good. You should definitely check it out after you read this inspiring post.

Singleness is Wholeness
by Diamonte Hamlett

When E. Payne first announced his guest blogging series, “What a Single Woman Wants”, I was at first filled with a sense of intrigue and then a sense of impending dread. I was intrigued, because after 6 years of a relationship that had run its course, I was again a single woman and a sense of dread because although I was single, I had no idea what I wanted.

It would be virtually impossible to write about what single women want when I had no clue. As I began to ponder my inability to articulate what I wanted, I realized that at this very moment in my life, I want nothing more than to be single, because single in many ways is the equivalent of wholeness. For me, singleness is not a burden, but rather an opportunity to purge my life of the things that detract from my purpose in order to allow my truer purpose to materialize.

Chivalry Isn't Dead

The topic of singleness made me think of a seemingly insignificant moment that happened to me a few years ago. I was at a fast food restaurant and a man let me move ahead of him in line.

Surprised by his gesture, I smiled and responded, “I guess chivalry is not dead.”

The guy at the register overheard my statement and responded with this succinct, but poignant statement:

“Chivalry is alive and well; it’s just in all the men that women do not want”.

I was speechless. His statement was both a prophetic and descriptive analysis of my life at that point time and even up until very recently. I had to admit to myself, several men had crossed my path and embodied many of attributes we as women say we want. These men were honest, thoughtful, romantic, unselfish, successful, committed, understanding, communicative, well adjusted and spiritual. While I wanted those qualities, I did not particularly want it from those men.

In response to their noble affections, I often ran scared, because what he was offering either didn’t come in the package I wanted, or I was so broken as a person that I had no idea how to receive that level of relationship or sustain it with someone who actually wanted the same thing I wanted. I found myself finding refuge in men that exacerbated the familiar ache of getting less than what I wanted and according to those who cared for me, less than what I deserved. The things I said I “wanted” were secondary to the prototype I wanted it from. Those qualities seemed so much more valuable coming from someone who did not innately possess them. Oh, the thrill of the chase.

Preparing For the Opportunity

So now, when someone asks me what I want, I am wise enough to admit that I do not know what I want. It has become clear that this journey is less about what I want and more about how I plan to be a person of sound enough character to handle it once it manifests. The answer to this question lies in my newfound belief about the purpose of singleness.

The Bible says, “What God hath put together, let no man put asunder.” For many years, I believed this verse was solely about married couples. It is indeed an edict that charges married couples to guard their union against outside influences who would seek to destroy it at all costs. In my state of newly minted singleness, I have begun to see this verse differently. It became clear to me that I am single woman, put together by the Creator, God. It is my duty to not let any man put that asunder.

When we become involved with people based on the litmus test of what “want”, we place ourselves at the peril of compromising what God has put together. In our singleness, we are in many ways joined to ourselves. This is sacred, because when the right person comes along it is this same “self” we will have to offer up.

Wholeness In Singleness

More than anything, our greatest desire as single women, must be wholeness. Singleness is our opportunity to understand that it is not any litany of noble attributes on a list that will bring purpose –driven love into our lives, but rather the quiet surrender found in the wisdom of not knowing what we want. If we allow it, singleness can lead us to a love that exceeds our greatest expectations and colors outside of the lines of our best drafted list.

For me, singleness is a healing process in which words cannot articulate what I really want. I plan to discover what I want, as I experience it for the very first time.

- Diamonte

Have something to say about being a Single Woman in the year 2010? Want to share your thoughts with the readers here at Makes Me Wanna Holler? There's only one spot left!
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