Is the institution of marriage designed to make you happy? Interesting question, right? One writer immediately comes to mind as an expert on this subject. If you take a moment to scroll through your mental slideshow, you will see imagery of marriage associated with happiness, no different that Coca-Cola is. Problem is, most married folks would argue down those images of happiness as anything from marketing fluff to fairy tales.

Happy marriages are populated by happy people. Framing it this way indicates that marriage is a construct within which two people operate/conduct their lives. So it is an operating platform rather than an emotion-stabilizer or edifier. In fact, I'll argue further that if you go into a marriage looking for it to make you happy, you will be sorely disappointed.

Tweet: Happy marriages are populated by happy people. A marriage by itself will never make you happy.

But enough about my thoughts on the matter. What do you think? Is marriage designed to make you happy?

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Let's face facts, love is a mystery. Especially in today's times. It is as elusive as the cat burglar that cleans out a jewelry store without anyone noticing (dating myself here as I think about the Pink Panther movies of yesteryear).

But here's the thing, love is elusive because we allow it to be. We are distracted by EVERYTHING, including the actions of the one we claim to love. Oftentimes we allow our spouse's/lover's isms and bad days to dictate who we are and how we opt to act toward them.

But being with someone, loving them is a choice, something that other person, by virtue of the definition of love (a different post for a different time), shouldn't be able to control. So for example, most parents choose to love their children no matter what they do because they love that person so much their actions can't prevent them from loving them. And a parent hopes that through love, a child will grow, excel, flourish. The notion that the "ownership" of a child that comes with parenthood is the driver for this kind of love (unconditional) may be true, but the fact remains, most parents no matter how burned up they are by their child's actions, choose to love them anyway. That choice is so natural, so automatic most don't even realize they are in fact choosing and not "feeling" love. Here are 4 simple steps you can take to inject a healthy dose of lovingness into your marriage:

File this under: AHA MOMENT OF THE DECADE

A couple of days ago a woman was complaining to me about her husband when she suddenly interrupted herself and said, "You know I should probably be more intimate with him...We'd probably get along better and it probably would help me from being stressed out. But it's hard."

"There's a reason intimacy is supposed to exist between married folks," I said. "It ain't about some dude, your husband, getting his jollies. It's about solidifying your union and creating a bond (a soul-tie) that only the two of you share. There's a beautiful thing that two people have when they are intimate, especially if they are married."

"But you may want to consider trying and seeing what happens," I advised her. "Who knows, you may actually like it?"

To which she responded, "You're probably right."

More and more I'm hearing from married women who have sworn off sex as if it were something bad, like too much cake and ice cream. I hear them blaming everything plus their husbands as to why they are the way they are. On the other side I'm hearing from an equal number of bewildered and exasperated married men who are running around like desperate men inside their own marriages, desperate for love from their wives. I repeat, desperate for love from their wives --- having no desire to go anywhere but home to their marriage beds. Part of the vows (depending on the ceremony or depending on whether you were listening) is that you give yourselves to one another in marriage. There are things that make marriages work, over the years and through the rough patches. Often getting through the rough patches together create the environment for the good stretches. Sexual intimacy is one of the first things to go when things get tough, even though after communication and genuine TLC it is probably one of the most important tools required for marriage maintenance. Sitting up in a house as roommates sharing kids is no different than roommates or housemates or business partners sitting under the same roof with shared investments. Shared investments do not foster, nurture or nourish love. In fact, shared investments alone usually are the source of most conflicts between people, married or not.

This marriage stuff isn't hard. It just takes work. And it isn't child's play. So if you're playing games, male or female, please stop. What you invest into, grows (for better or worse). What you ignore and neglect, withers and dies.

Join the ongoing conversation on this very topic over on Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/MakesMeWannaHoller/posts/10151554700775330

Communication is the name of the game. Try your best to do it sooner, rather than later.

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Thoughts? Please, let me know in the Facebook or Disqus comment sections below.

Sounds good to me. Do a little more kissing in 2013.

I'd love to hear what reasons you have for kissing (keep it PG please)? Do you kiss the one you love (or like)?

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Thanks for reading! Follow me on Twitter at @EPayneTheDad.

When my wife is out I worry, not about what she is doing or who she is with, but whether or not she is safe. But rarely have I properly expressed this concern. Meaning I usually am a complete grouch by the time she gets in. She picks up on my bad attitude immediately and things have traditionally devolved from there. That is, if she even makes it home without me blowing up her phone to demand where she is. The latter action usually only happens if it really begins to get late. Regardless of the reason, neither of us have gone to bed happy.

But I'm a different person now (long story on this another time).

Recently my wife was out at a networking dinner with her associates and I did everything that I always do: cleaned the house and put the kids to bed (well I made the big one go to bed). But I added a couple steps:

Because of my wife, I am transformed.

Every argument, disagreement, mistake and misstep is and should be used as an opportunity for growth. Look at it from the right perspective and don't point fingers.

When your wife is feeling anxious, depressed, crazy...whatever, instead of trying to figure her out, try your best to reassure her.

Do you truly know your wife?

• Do you know her hopes and dreams?
• Do you know what causes her pain?
• Do you know the tragedies of her past?
• Do you know what makes her smile (not how to make her smile)?
• When she is pushing buttons do you rise up against her or do you pray for her?
  
• Do you desire to understand her, or do you not get why she doesn't get you?
• Do you realize that she is an entire person and not only your spouse, they way you understand your friends are people too?

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Thanks for reading! Follow me on Twitter at @EPayneTheDad.