Portions of this No Wedding No Womb Post have been excerpted from the forthcoming book, Bottom Line Fatherhood, by Eric Payne.


A Baby Was Going To Ruin Everything

I was hardly happy when I was told I was going to have a child. In fact, I nearly had a panic attack. My stomach tightened. My mouth dried out. My heart pounded out against my rib cage and I didn’t think there was enough air in the world to fill my lungs. For a second I began to hallucinate that I was asleep dreaming that I was awake.

But this was no dream and I was wide awake. I asked again, just to be sure. My then-girlfriend answered, “Yes,” with stone cold certainty, the way a woman does about these things.

“So what are we gonna do?” I asked, not making even a slight effort to mask the despair in my voice.

She talked about doctors and telling people and some other stuff. By then I was gone, spiraling out of control, down into my own personal hell.

Why me, Lord? I asked in my head. Why now?

There was a very simple, scientific answer to both my questions. But in a moment of panic what man wants to hear the truth? Eventually, I tuned back into my conversation with the now-mother of my child, and I did what any irrational man would do: I began throwing stones of doubt.

Why are you telling me this now…over the phone? Isn’t this something you save for face-to-face?”

Her answer: “I wanted to tell you on Father’s Day (a mere four days later), but I just couldn’t hold it in anymore.”

“Great!” I answered, sarcastically. “How do you know for sure you’re pregnant?”

Her answer: “Eric, I am. Besides I took three home pregnancy tests, just to be sure.”

Even better, I thought, as my heart did somersaults in my stomach. “Well, what made you think you were pregnant in the first place?”

Her answer infuriated me: “It’s funny, you know? You kept asking if I was pregnant (I did because she suddenly began exhibiting strange behavior --- crying for no reason, repeatedly telling me she loved me, etc., etc.) so I began to wonder myself.”

It wasn’t funny at all. In fact it was all my fault. Had I not asked, then maybe she wouldn’t have been pregnant until she really started showing.

“But we only…we’ve only done it once since…” my voice trailed off.

“You’re joking right?” she asked, sharply. “Could you at least try to sound happy?”

“Well, I’ve just gotten comfortable…you know…him accepting me and…I mean…isn’t one enough?” I asked regarding her ten-year old son who would eventually become my son too. “What are we gonna do with a baby?”

“Love this child just like we love the one we already have.”

Her answers were coming too quickly. They were too sure, too certain. Abortion wasn’t an option for either of us. If there were only some kind of way to give it away, I thought. I was losing my mind by the second. In my desperate and sinking campaign for reason, I went somewhere I had no business going: “I don’t want to bring a child into this world with Iraq and everything…” Had I known then what I know now I wouldn’t have even thought what I said.

“What?!! Eric, what the [expletive] are you talking about?! What does any of this have to do with the fact that I just told you that I am pregnant…with your child?”

This was the first of many times I was cursed out for exercising my male rationale during the time my lady was pregnant. My mind was too wrapped up in itself to grasp the overarching depth of her question. I didn’t get that she wanted me to be the father of her second child. I didn’t hear the urgent need in her voice for reassurance nor did I catch its vulnerable tone. I didn’t get that not only was I going to have a child, but from then and forever more I was a father. But at the time I was too busy listening to the racket caused by my fears.

I got off the phone a broken, scared and deranged man. Broken because I thought I knew better and was sure I had been raised better. Scared because even though I was thirty-three, how was I going to tell my traditional God-fearing mother I was going to have a baby out of wedlock? Deranged because I actually got down on my knees and prayed to God and begged Him to take this burden off me and just make it go away like magic.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be a father eventually. But I was a man with plans --- plans that didn’t exactly include a real baby that carried my DNA. I was making good money and saving most of it. I was planning to buy a luxury vehicle at the end of the summer. I was planning to buy a second home and turn the little condo I owned at the time into a rental property. I was planning a summer of romantic getaways with the woman who would be my wife all over the U.S. and Europe. And maybe at the end of the year if all went well between us I planned to pop the question. I wanted to do everything on my terms, as I saw fit, and based on what made sense to me. I was on my way to living the life I had always planned to live, short of being able to fly and owning bulletproof tights. A baby was definitely going to ruin everything.

I continued to pray, beg, babble and even roll around on the floor for the rest of the night until the sun came up. Operating on about fifteen minutes of sleep, I knew things would be better when I spoke to my lady again. I just knew she was going to scream, “April Fools!” even though it was June. We’d laugh. I’d tell her to never scare me like that again and we’d move on.

But she was still pregnant when we spoke. I was surprised she got so upset that I asked. There was no harm in the question. Surely, she had to have known how scared I was. My life was over. I was about to be a father ---- for real.

A New Beginning Filled With Opportunities

Photo Credit: Stuant63

I was sitting in church yesterday, not totally paying attention, when I softly spoke the following assertion out loud to no one in particular:

"I'm no longer afraid."

Now the interesting thing about this confession to self is that nothing provoked it and even more interesting...I didn't know I was afraid of anything other than werewolves, Dracula, devil movies, wolves, hyenas, anyone with a gun pointed at me, a pride of lions and unchained pit bulls.

But there I was quietly confessing my fear of everything. And I do mean everything --- of not having enough, of having too much, of making the wrong decision, of acting out in anger, of appearing to be weak, of making a mistake, of living in vain, of being alone, of being lonely, of looking left, of looking right, of the thoughts of others, of stepping out on faith, of stepping out on anything.

In my little circle of friends I used to be known as an almost brazen risk taker and someone I know fell in love with me for my fearlessness. But fear has all but neutralized me and filled me with self-doubt and perpetual wonder of "what if?" and "why?" It has wreaked havoc on my mind putting me in pursuit of making the perfect decision that will merit the perfect outcome. But as we all should know there is no such thing as perfect. And in my pursuit of perfect --- the perfect church, the perfect house, the perfect wedding, the perfect job, the perfect answer, etc. --- I've been unable to make crucial decisions that never required perfection - just action. Now and for some time actually, that someone who fell in love with me is no longer sure I'm who SHE thought I was. And from all outward appearances, I guess I've come across like I'm not too sure either.

Fear Is the Mind-Killer

"Where did the fear begin?" was my first question to myself yesterday after this discovery. Because for all the damage that has been done in my life and the lives of others, it couldn't have possibly started recently. So I thought and thought until an unlikely answer came to me: the news of my daughter's conception.

Sure I handled it like a champ in the end. I even handled it like a champ about a week after I got the news about 3 months in. But when I first first FIRST found out I was going to be a biological father I was scared completely out of my mind. Obviously, I made the decision to move forward and do what I was supposed to do for a whole variety of reasons and here I am today, Man, Dad, Husband. But the seeds of fear were deeply planted and nourished with every approaching uncertainty, took root as my love for my daughter grew, and flourished as my sunfire desire for her and the rest of my family to live a wonderful life took hold of my soul. So all along through every triumph and every tribulation, fear has been there, lurking and jumping at the chance to paralyze me at every turning point, at every decision. It's been there all along seeping from one area of my life and slowly but surely permeating all the rest. Being a full fledged parent and husband along with an unhealthy dose of unemployment has made me fearful instead of making me prudent and cautious and still a little risky. The fear goes deeper still --- back into my childhood, but that story will have to wait until I can truly make sense of it.

Fortunately I've faced and overcome fear before and know how to deal. The mantra (put into action) below has worked wonders for me.

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when my fear is gone I will turn and face fear's path, and only I will remain.*

*Dune, 1984.

As a parent it is easy to fear. But fear, like faith will bring about and/or attract an outcome --- the worst one. And you can't afford that, neither as man nor woman, with mouths to feed and a spouse to love.

The problem for men lies in fear itself. Men naturally don't believe they fear anything other than cataclysmic stuff. And if they do they trick themselves out of the notion. For the longest I thought I was angry or depressed. And I'll argue that a man would rather be diagnosed psychotic than fearful. It goes against the man-code. Whatever the hell that is. But fear is real and it's not just the stuff that comes up when you're in danger. This type of fear is healthy. It keeps you alive. The fear that just sits with you as you wake and sleep is the kind that really needs to go bye-bye. It will paralyze your mind, body and soul and bring death to you and the people closest to you. In my case, I stopped being able to decide (mind), I gained weight (body) and because of the first two I abandoned my spiritual growth and that of my family's (soul).

No more.

Fear Go Bye-Bye

The easiest way to face your fear, is not the first thing that might come to mind --- confessing or announcing it to someone you love. A confession is great and may do plenty to clear the air but it is only the beginning. The best thing to do is to run up to that thing, situation, whatever it is you are afraid of and simply address it, one step and one day at a time. Stop waiting for the perfect time to take your wife to dinner - just take her and don't think you're gonna be on skid row if she orders Surf & Turf (not to be ordered at every dinner). Stop waiting for a bonus to take a family vacation - just use the money you have - a way will be provided, stop looking for a perfect home - find a home your family can live in and create your community starting right inside your four walls, and so on. Stop thinking you have to be superman in order to be the man you were intended to be. Your partner/spouse's knight in shining armor is a whole lot less shiny than the knight you believe you have to be. More than likely they just love(d) you for your authentic self.

By facing what you fear you'll find that the fear was unwarranted because the situation is non-existent in reality even if it was present in your mind. Enjoy life! Don't be afraid. There is too much to live for to live in fear. Don't be afraid.

Acknowledge your fears. Face your fears. Fight your fears. Watch your fears disappear. Live life.


Stay tuned for more on fear this week as I blog further about absentee father-dom on Wednesday, September 22nd for the No Wedding, No Womb bloggers' initiative.

No Wedding, No Womb Launch Campaign PSA - September 22, 2010 from Courage Network on Vimeo.

Be sure to stop by the Holler Spot and No Wedding No Womb on Wednesday, September 22nd for my thoughts and opinions and those of 100 other bloggers on this extremely important issue. In the meantime please, share, Tweet, Retweet, Facebook, etc. this post and the above video to get the word out!