I am obsessed with getting a good night's sleep as is my wife, but for whatever reason we seem to be at war as to how to actually accomplish this.

The opening salvo was fired two years ago by my wife bought a more accommodating queen-size bed. However it is hard as a rock. What she calls firm is brick and hasn't allowed me to enjoy a full night's uninterrupted sleep not even once. I hated that bed.

Until now.

My folks in town for a few days. On Monday I had a rare opportunity to do something wonderful --- decompress. After a very long day on my wonderful new job. The wife and I made plans to fend for ourselves for dinner. She was taking care of the boy. So there I was at a coffee shop in my neighborhood, just me, one other person, the staff and my deliciously warm cup of Joe. No wife, no baby girl (my parents had her) and no son. Pure bliss for nearly 90 minutes before I had to resume my responsibilities as Husband and Dad. Responsibilities I am honored to have.

Everyone needs a break, no matter how short. When's the last time you took one?

---

Thanks for reading! To learn more about me, you can read my story.

A Grown Man's Drawer

No way I was providing a "Before" picture...

When I was a child I thought and acted like a child...

But now that I am a man I put away childish things... or something like that...

Rather than continue to complain that I only have one drawer in my bathroom built for two people...

Rather than roll my eyes and curse quietly to myself because when I opened my drawer I couldn't find anything I wanted and then couldn't close it back...

Rather than ask that people (the wife) respect my property, I decided to get even...

The battle of the sexes rages on, even in marriage. Maybe that's because people call it a battle? Too many times spouses get caught up in pointless and perpetual battles for superiority inside the home and out. It's not about working together, instead it's about how wrong the other person is or how right you think you are. Many times the journey together is overlooked for the sake of pointing out all the mistakes along the way. No team would ever function, let alone win a single game, if it operated the way many marriages do. A marriage is supposed to be a team of two...one of the strongest couplings man has at his disposal.

But in 2011 this is hardly the case. Especially when emotions are involved...

A couple months back I launched a guest blogger series, What A Single Woman Wants, as an opportunity to share with us, tired and dusty married folk, what people on the front lines of romance are seeking. I wasn't sure what the call for writers would produce. The response was great. I then thought I was going to have to sit and edit, edit, edit. Instead I was blown away by the well crafted, thoughtful pieces I received. I was equally surprised by readers' response. Traffic was heavy for each post and it confirmed my site demographics --- the women far outnumber the men as far as readership here and when given the opportunity to voice their opinions, they will. If I was disappointed by any one thing it would have to be another function of these same demographics. The call for single women writers was open to anyone, and many did inquire, but in the end only African American women submitted articles. I believe love and the natural pursuit/happenings of love knows no color, class or nationality. Personally, I would've enjoyed hearing the thoughts of those who are white, Latina, Asian, pink, purple and polka dot in more than just the comments. Most of the experiences recorded here at Makes Me Wanna Holler - Man, Dad, Husband are common to all. Therefore, this blog is open to all.

So for the finale of this series I opted to change the title to What Women Want because single or married, the overarching sentiments expressed by these six single women can be applied to women in general. In fact, not only did these sentiments trump marital status, they trumped gender as well. What these women want in their man-to-be, everyone wants or has wanted in a partner at one point or another. This is their reminder to us all. Ladies and gentlemen, please get your pens and notepads ready.


Six Single Ladies on What Women Want:


TO BE PREPARED FOR THE ONE

Diamonte Hamlett says...

“Chivalry is alive and well; it’s just in all the men that women do not want”. [told to her by a man behind the register at McDonald's]

I was speechless. His statement was both a prophetic and descriptive analysis of my life at that point in time and even up until very recently. I had to admit to myself, several men had crossed my path and embodied many of attributes we as women say we want. These men were honest, thoughtful, romantic, unselfish, successful, committed, understanding, communicative, well adjusted and spiritual. While I wanted those qualities, I did not particularly want it from those men...

When someone asks me what I want, I am wise enough to admit that I do not know what I want. It has become clear that this journey is less about what I want and more about how I plan to be a person of sound enough character to handle it once it manifests.

If we allow it, singleness can lead us to a love that exceeds our greatest expectations and colors outside of the lines of our best drafted list.

Click here to read the rest of Diamonte's guest post.


CONFIDENCE

Brooke Dean says....

What draws me to a man like a moth to a flame is confidence. No, I don’t mean arrogance or cockiness. It’s not something that can be learned or faked. He either has it or he doesn’t. And I don’t just mean in the workplace, or in the bedroom or on the court. A man with true confidence displays it in all aspects of his life, even if not on a constant basis. In most cases, it needs to be generally present in the face of life’s challenges.

Click here to read the rest of Brooke's guest post.


COMPANIONSHIP & CAMARADERIE

Wynella Reid says...

Most days, I want nothing more than someone to greet me either when I get home from work or come in the door after me and wrap his arms around my waist while I change out of my work clothes. At other times I long for someone for whom I can prepare a great meal because I love to cook. (I want a man that I can fatten up so that no one else will want him. hah-hah). I would also like someone to do boy things with my boys. It’s a given that if you want to be with me you have to want to be with my boys. After all, if you want the cat you have to take the kittens too. At other times while the boys are in bed I want him to be the person with whom I can watch silly flicks or foreign films while cuddling on the couch.

Click here to read the rest of Wynella's guest post.


UNCONDITIONAL SUPPORT A.K.A. THE ONE-MAN PEP BAND

Veronica Miller says...

We all have our esoteric interests. So it’s not loving dance that’s important to me; it’s knowing that I love it and honoring that fact. The boyfriend couldn’t tell me the difference between a plié and a jeté, but that lack of knowledge didn't hold a candle to what he gave me. And in those moments of self-doubt and anxiety, that support is crucial. It could be the difference between a great audition, or falling flat on the floor.

When a woman has a one-man pep band playing for her, she feels like she can take on the world --- and whether she wins or not, she gets to come home to someone who’s still cheering, regardless.

Click here to read the rest of Veronica's guest post.


TO BE THE ONE YOU DREAMED OF

RaN'ae Bacon says...

What we really want is the opportunity to be everything to you as well. We want to be your lover, your best friend, your motivator, your #1 cheerleader, your hot chick that makes your friends jealous and your voice of reason. Most of all we want someone that wants and needs all of this from us. We want our man to appreciate and believe when we say, “Baby, you got this, because I got you!”

Click here to read the rest of RaN'ae's guest post.


TO LOVE & BE LOVED

Calandra Hackney says...

I had to ask myself do I exhibit the same attributes. In order to receive you have to give. Am I generous in my daily life? And I’m not talking monetarily. Do I give love, a nice thought, a blessing, do a good deed? And as far as spirituality I had to ask if I was being my best spiritual self. In order for anything that you ask for to manifest itself you to have to be what it is you are asking for. If you want love you have to be love. If you want things created in your life you have to be creative.

What single women want varies especially when we get down to specifics and type and all that good stuff but I believe at the core we are all looking for unconditional love in the mate that we are asking for and that love must first start from within. Once we are loving ourselves and operating through love, not fear, anything is possible.

Click here to read the rest of Calandra's post.


I hope this was as enjoyable for you as it was for me. We (myself and the single ladies) would love to hear your thoughts and opinions on this series in the comments section of this post.

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What better way to celebrate the 1st day of the new month than to talk about the month that just ended? The following were the top 5 posts of November:

1. WIVES: In Your Own Words


2. Love Is...Interrupted Sleep


3. Threesomes (Revisited)


4. The (Emergency) Shirt Off My Back


5. To Be Loved Or To Be Lusted?

Have a favorite post from MMWH not listed above? Please, let me know in the comments.

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For those of you who don't know, before the year’s long wave of somber-serious-inspiration, this blog had comic relief at its foundation. In the early days I used to crack wise about my experiences, mostly new – with the wife and kids. But as the experiences have become routine and I have matured, I’ve grown less interested in showcasing my family’s routine activities. And I’ve completely lost interest in poking fun at their expense or my own.

That doesn’t mean the craziness has ceased to exist. Take last week for example:

I wanted to take the family out to see a photo exhibit a friend had on display in downtown Atlanta. Maybe at some point when I get my act together I’ll be able to afford one of the pieces. I've eyeballed two that would roughly set me back about $5K. I’ve already seen it [the exhibit] two times before and figured it would be an opportunity for my wife and I to dream big, and a chance to show the kids something they don’t always get to see. The plan was simple: the wife was going to pick the kids up at school and I’d meet them there.

No problemo.

Muchas problemas, actually.

• Before my wife could even park she was calling me asking why the parking lot I told her to park in didn’t list the name of the gallery/store? I didn’t know or care and besides, what difference did it make? I was there waiting for them so there was no way she could get lost.
• After she parked, she absolutely refused to wave her hand to let me know where she was in the parking lot because she saw me walk past her car looking for her.
• My son stumbled out of the car, shoes untied and as disheveled as he wanted to be from a hard day spent breathing at school.
• My daughter, ever the chipper one was the only one who appeared to be ready an open for a Thursday night on the town.

Or so I thought.

Once we were inside we said hello to the photographer and his wife and because we know them the two wives scurried off together to talk about whatever it is women talk about when they haven’t seen each other in a month. My son literally sat down in front of the table with the hors d’oeuvres and began to eat as if he were at our dinner table and my daughter refused to say hello to anyone, but made herself at home right next to her brother, grabbing cheese cubes with her bare hands. I couldn't believe it. It's not like we've never been outside before. At this point I was thinking that maybe we should’ve eaten dinner before attending. I spent the rest of my time there extinguishing one major, four-year-old’s temper tantrum, threatening the life of her freshly carved pumpkin to keep her from jumping and running everywhere and begging my teenage son to cease and desist from cleaning out the table of hors d’oeuvres. All the while I watched my wife out the corner of my eye, mulling about the showcase as if she were attending by herself. As I swirled about in dysfunction I did what any grown man would do: I poured myself a glass of wine. And then another.

So much for dreaming big... My friend took time from greetings guests to tell me we were a walking sitcom. I agreed...reluctantly.

Sometimes as a parent, you forget the basics of parenting, such as food being the ultimate cure of the crazies. The next time, dinner first, outing second, even if the outing only lasts for thirty minutes as this one did.

How have you managed an unexpected/awkward situation involving family?


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After a very short but thought provoking week we are headed into the weekend. We learned a 11 Facts About Breast Cancer, we were schooled on what an Emotional Letdown really is and we heard from yet another Single Woman guest blogger which shed another ray of light of understanding on the female heart for us guys.

If you're looking for something to do just to have fun with the wife or that special someone, or you need to make up for your own share of letdowns (this goes for both men and women) and I've got a goodie for you the kids --- check out the following:



THE CYCLE:




Showtimes This Weekend At A Film Festival Near You:

Saturday, October 16, 1:15pm
NEW ORLEANS FILM FESTIVAL (21ST ANNUAL)
Contemporary Arts Center
900 Camp St., New Orleans, LA 70130
http://neworleansfilmsociety.org

Saturday, October 16, 3:30 PM
FIRST GLANCE PHILADELHIA TWENTY TEN
The Franklin Institue, Franklin Theater
222 North 20th St., Philadelphia, PA 19103
http://www.firstglancefilms.com/saturdaymatinee

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 16, 3:00 PM
URBAN MEDIAMAKERS FILM FESTIVAL (ATLANTA, GA)
Atlanta Marriott Norcross
475 Technology Parkway
Norcross, GA
http://www.umff.com

Saturday, October 16, 5:10pm
TWIN CITIES BLACK FILM FESTIVAL
Hotel Ivy, 201 South Eleventh St.
Minneapolis, MN 55415
http://www.tcbff.com

Sunday, October 17th, 7:00 PM
NEW JERSEY FILM FESTIVAL
100 Voorhees Hall #105
71 Hamilton St., College Ave Campus
Rutgers University, New brunswick, NJ
http://njfilmfest.com



THE DAY THAT CHANGED MY LIFE:

The Day That Changed My Life is a play exploring the lives of those who have been touched by cancer. Each night's performance will benefit:

• St. Jude Children's Research Hospital (provides service for all children regardless of their inability to pay)

• Hope Lodge (free housing for out of town patients and their family)

• Forest Moon (free retreats for cancer patients, survivors and caregiver/family)

Friday, October 15 & Saturday October 16, 8:00pm - 11:00pm
MANHATTAN MOVEMENT & ARTS CENTER
248 West 60th Street
New York, NY
Tickets can be purchased in advance from the Manhattan Movement & Arts Center


LIBERTY SCIENCE CENTER (52% Discount!)

Gain full access to all of Liberty Science Center’s nine permanent exhibitions, along with the Mammoths and Mastodons: Titans of the Ice Age exhibit which features a 42,000-year-old intact baby mammoth named Lyuba on display for only the second time in the U.S.

LIBERTY SCIENCE CENTER
222 Jersey City Boulevard
Jersey City, NJ 07305
Purchase tickets here.

Enjoy your weekend!

Disclosure: This is an unpaid post. The selections were made completely at the author's discretion.


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As told to me during a conversation with a beautiful, proud and successful woman...

On Monday He called her up at work to make plans for Friday --- a dinner date.

She got very excited and began planning from the moment they hung up.

On Tuesday, She plans out her outfit: shoes, nails, and begins deciding what is She going to do with her hair by Friday.

On Wednesday, She's skipping lunch to go to the mall (maybe not even the one near her job) to pick up something to wear maybe a new top, maybe an accessory or two and of course new shoes...

I interject: "And you've got to call your girlfriends to let them know you're going out."

She counters: "Honey, I did that as soon as I got off the phone with Him on Monday."

I decide to remain silent for the remainder of the lecture.

Wednesday comes and goes in a blur and Thursday is oddly quiet.

Because She has high hopes for Friday she calls on Thursday night just to make sure things are still set --- just to be on the safe side. Most wait until the day of...

He doesn't really recall making plans for Friday, or at least not serious ones. Something else has come up, maybe His money isn't right. Who knows? Either way it's not going to happen and He's hardly contrite about it, not to the degree that she would expect considering She's been anticipating spending time with Him all week.

She becomes "emotional."

He now insists it's no big deal. It's just dinner. They can go any day, another day, another time.

Now She's angry and saying things She normally wouldn't say to someone She really likes and really wants to spend time with. She's cursing too.

He says, "You see that's why I can't deal with you...you gotta make a big deal out of everything." He goes on to admonish her for Her attitude and Her mouth.

But He doesn't know about the week She spent investing in the few hours she expected to have with Him away from the hustle and bustle of the work week --- the rat race that keeps most of us prisoners, the worry and anxiety of bills and the unknown impending future or whatever it may be. It was to be time well spent, spending it with Him.

For Him, it's just dinner.

Then She tells me, remaining ever so cool and collected but now with fire in her eyes, "Then We [women] get slammed for being "emotional" (she puts up her index and middle fingers of both hands to mimic quotation marks), especially Black Women, and so many of us are stupid enough to accept the blame for something you've (men) caused. And you all go on about your business and move on while we're sitting around somewhere blaming ourselves for being this way.

I sit there with my mouth hanging open. In a flash, I remember at least 6 times I've done the same thing.

And then the light bulb lights up so bright above my head it explodes.

I tell her: "What you're speaking of is an emotional investment versus just being emotionally reactive."

"Preach," She responds, seeing that I've turned to the Page that she is on.

I continue: "So you guys get 'emotional' after investing your emotions into something and being disappointed...you're investing in an emotional [I pause to find the words] letdown. And no man would ever invest money into something and remain calm when they lose money, so why should women be any different when it comes to their investments?"

"You are so lucky I'm not charging for this session," She said with a smile.

I laugh, but I'm not sure she is completely joking. I instantly feel the levity and the power that comes with enlightenment. In less than fifteen minutes a complete stranger I met at a networking event gave me the keys to understanding nearly every other woman walking the face of the Earth and specifically, my wife.

A day or so later on my wedding anniversary I confidently apologized to my wife for all the times I have been the guy described above. This time, I actually knew what I was apologizing for and my She actually knew it was sincere.


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When my wife first introduced me to the song below, I twisted up my face in disbelief. But she shut me down quickly, "What?! He is killing it in this song."

And then I listened to the words. And then I listened again with my eyes closed...

Today is my wedding anniversary and although my wife and I have known each other for 10 years, these last 3 of marriage have been TOUGH. For anyone who thinks just living together and marriage are the same thing (as I once did when I was living in another galaxy), you're wrong. It's not even up for debate.

They say the first 3 years are the test. Well our 2nd year was only topped by this last year which had us both wondering what had we done to ourselves and our kids. I proudly used to think it could and would never happen to me. But it was a year that saw me lose myself and almost lose her, right out our front door, literally.

But then I found myself. ["And when he came to himself..." as the Parable of the Prodigal Son goes.] And I ran after her. Not as some deranged ego-broken man chasing down some female. But as a husband --- humble but strong, remorseful, emptied of old opinions and open to rebuild. Ready, willing and able to fight for love.

Because when a woman loves...

Happy Anniversary, Mrs. Payne-Payne!

Photo Credit: Ross Oscar Knight Photography © 2007.

Be encouraged, married people. It's a lifelong experience.


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Photo by E.Payne. All Rights Reserved.

This won't be wordless...

Now that I'm settling in down here in the ATL I'm making my rounds of the people I know. Yesterday I spent the afternoon at a reclaimed furniture store named Environment with someone I can count as a friend/homie. I've mentioned him here many times before because first and foremost he was my wedding photographer, but since then he and I and his wife and my wife have forged ahead as long distance buds --- dinner here and there, a drink or two between his gigs in New York or our past visits here or a simple phone call to say, "Hey E, I'm in town where's a good place to eat?" His name is Ross Oscar Knight.

Well now I'm in his neck of the woods and I had the absolute pleasure of viewing his pieces from a recent gallery showing he conceptualized, launched and hosted. In it he showcased no wedding pics, but photos from his international travels. It was entitled Beauty In the Face of Destruction. Please visit him to learn and follow his passion and charitable work. He literally loves what he sees and it shows even in the minutest details of his photos.

In one word: Breathtaking.

Above is a pic I shot of him in February shooting the woman of his dreams --- his lovely wife. This is what is called a behind the scenes shot or even a shot between a shot. Actually I wasn't even supposed to be taking pictures at that time. But I saw the moment and I took it.

See your moment and take it.


There's a new book on Fatherhood coming to a store or e-reader near you! Add your name to list of people who want to see it happen. Please "Like" Bottom Line Fatherhood and count yourself as one who supports positive outlooks on the Dad Life.

Photo Credit: Stuant63

I was sitting in church yesterday, not totally paying attention, when I softly spoke the following assertion out loud to no one in particular:

"I'm no longer afraid."

Now the interesting thing about this confession to self is that nothing provoked it and even more interesting...I didn't know I was afraid of anything other than werewolves, Dracula, devil movies, wolves, hyenas, anyone with a gun pointed at me, a pride of lions and unchained pit bulls.

But there I was quietly confessing my fear of everything. And I do mean everything --- of not having enough, of having too much, of making the wrong decision, of acting out in anger, of appearing to be weak, of making a mistake, of living in vain, of being alone, of being lonely, of looking left, of looking right, of the thoughts of others, of stepping out on faith, of stepping out on anything.

In my little circle of friends I used to be known as an almost brazen risk taker and someone I know fell in love with me for my fearlessness. But fear has all but neutralized me and filled me with self-doubt and perpetual wonder of "what if?" and "why?" It has wreaked havoc on my mind putting me in pursuit of making the perfect decision that will merit the perfect outcome. But as we all should know there is no such thing as perfect. And in my pursuit of perfect --- the perfect church, the perfect house, the perfect wedding, the perfect job, the perfect answer, etc. --- I've been unable to make crucial decisions that never required perfection - just action. Now and for some time actually, that someone who fell in love with me is no longer sure I'm who SHE thought I was. And from all outward appearances, I guess I've come across like I'm not too sure either.

Fear Is the Mind-Killer

"Where did the fear begin?" was my first question to myself yesterday after this discovery. Because for all the damage that has been done in my life and the lives of others, it couldn't have possibly started recently. So I thought and thought until an unlikely answer came to me: the news of my daughter's conception.

Sure I handled it like a champ in the end. I even handled it like a champ about a week after I got the news about 3 months in. But when I first first FIRST found out I was going to be a biological father I was scared completely out of my mind. Obviously, I made the decision to move forward and do what I was supposed to do for a whole variety of reasons and here I am today, Man, Dad, Husband. But the seeds of fear were deeply planted and nourished with every approaching uncertainty, took root as my love for my daughter grew, and flourished as my sunfire desire for her and the rest of my family to live a wonderful life took hold of my soul. So all along through every triumph and every tribulation, fear has been there, lurking and jumping at the chance to paralyze me at every turning point, at every decision. It's been there all along seeping from one area of my life and slowly but surely permeating all the rest. Being a full fledged parent and husband along with an unhealthy dose of unemployment has made me fearful instead of making me prudent and cautious and still a little risky. The fear goes deeper still --- back into my childhood, but that story will have to wait until I can truly make sense of it.

Fortunately I've faced and overcome fear before and know how to deal. The mantra (put into action) below has worked wonders for me.

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when my fear is gone I will turn and face fear's path, and only I will remain.*

*Dune, 1984.

As a parent it is easy to fear. But fear, like faith will bring about and/or attract an outcome --- the worst one. And you can't afford that, neither as man nor woman, with mouths to feed and a spouse to love.

The problem for men lies in fear itself. Men naturally don't believe they fear anything other than cataclysmic stuff. And if they do they trick themselves out of the notion. For the longest I thought I was angry or depressed. And I'll argue that a man would rather be diagnosed psychotic than fearful. It goes against the man-code. Whatever the hell that is. But fear is real and it's not just the stuff that comes up when you're in danger. This type of fear is healthy. It keeps you alive. The fear that just sits with you as you wake and sleep is the kind that really needs to go bye-bye. It will paralyze your mind, body and soul and bring death to you and the people closest to you. In my case, I stopped being able to decide (mind), I gained weight (body) and because of the first two I abandoned my spiritual growth and that of my family's (soul).

No more.

Fear Go Bye-Bye

The easiest way to face your fear, is not the first thing that might come to mind --- confessing or announcing it to someone you love. A confession is great and may do plenty to clear the air but it is only the beginning. The best thing to do is to run up to that thing, situation, whatever it is you are afraid of and simply address it, one step and one day at a time. Stop waiting for the perfect time to take your wife to dinner - just take her and don't think you're gonna be on skid row if she orders Surf & Turf (not to be ordered at every dinner). Stop waiting for a bonus to take a family vacation - just use the money you have - a way will be provided, stop looking for a perfect home - find a home your family can live in and create your community starting right inside your four walls, and so on. Stop thinking you have to be superman in order to be the man you were intended to be. Your partner/spouse's knight in shining armor is a whole lot less shiny than the knight you believe you have to be. More than likely they just love(d) you for your authentic self.

By facing what you fear you'll find that the fear was unwarranted because the situation is non-existent in reality even if it was present in your mind. Enjoy life! Don't be afraid. There is too much to live for to live in fear. Don't be afraid.

Acknowledge your fears. Face your fears. Fight your fears. Watch your fears disappear. Live life.


Stay tuned for more on fear this week as I blog further about absentee father-dom on Wednesday, September 22nd for the No Wedding, No Womb bloggers' initiative.

I've got a dilemma on my hands. Rather than complain about it, or feel helpless against it, I've decided to address it proactively.

But I need your help. That's right, yours.

If I ever had an ulterior motive for this blog it hasn't been to present some false image of myself as a Man, Dad, or Husband. It hasn't been to troll for tail behind the scenes or have any of my loyal readers validate me. If I need validation anywhere, it's in the real world and not cyberspace.

What is my validation a.k.a. ulterior motive? A non self-published book. A thing made of either paper or electronic ink with a title and my name on the byline.

That's it. Nothing more. Oh and illustrating through stories that men can really love their children, wives and families as a totality and have their own struggles in the meantime. So I wrote a proposal and created a tentative book title, Bottom Line Fatherhood - Bottom Line Manhood (they are pretty much one in the same), I prospected for a literary agent, sparked the interest of one, sent her my proposal, she sent me edits to make what I am proposing stronger and more salable in the marketplace, I sent back my revisions, she likes it and now it just...

...sits...somewhere in the land of being pigeonholed as a "Black Book."

In leafing through the pages of this blog, the source material for my impending book, I can hardly note what makes my book project a black book except for my "black" skin (my daughter says, "You're not black! You're brown!"). My male readership here on the blog represents a rainbow coalition of individuals scattered throughout the US in the 35-44 demographic. My female readers are considerably more weighted toward African American and women of color in the 25-44 demo. Probably because with all the negative imagery, speekery and proofery in our culture, I am an oddity, an African American man willing to bear my soul for no real reason at all. I hear that I help women understand what is going on with their own men. If that's true I'm glad I could help.

But that still doesn't make what I write "Black" except during those anecdotal moments when I've specifically referenced racist (or at least ignorant) behavior toward me and/or my family. I write based on what God puts on my heart to write, and sometimes I write for the sake of staying fresh and relevant. Either way I don't write in color.

But even if I did, what's wrong with that? What's wrong with a positive representative of a subset of the population that has been perverted to a degree of nearly inconceivable, foolish and criminal misogyny. People of color would snap up the book and mainstream population would read it for the sake of furthering their own knowledge of said subset, to argue the validity for better or worse over coffee or at dinner parties. Ever read Stuff White People Like?

So here I am stuck at GO with what you and I know is a valid product. Raw, uncensored, unshielded fatherhood told from a first person point of view.

So what do we need to do with My Little Black Book?

I would ask that you make this post and this blog go viral. Tweet and retweet, ask to retweet aka "PLS RT", Facebook and Digg and Stumble and Ping and anything else you might have in your social media revolver. And then there's good old email.

I do want to do this for my own personal validation, but I'd also like to donate partial proceeds to a worthwhile cause such as the National Fatherhood Initiative. (They owe me an email also.)

But apparently I can't do this if only notable Black people endorse me. (I'm sure this wouldn't be the case if I had Essence Magazine on my side, or Oprah! - man can dream can't he?) I gotta throw some white folks in the mix. This will be probably one of the only times you read me mentioning race here for the year. Let's make August, my best month all year, go out with a true BANG!

Help me make my movement viral, so that it can become re-al.

Please? (As I always tell my daughter to put at the end of any of her requests.)

Thank you!


There's a new book on Fatherhood coming to a store or e-reader near you! Add your name to list of people who want to see it happen. Please "Like" Bottom Line Fatherhood and count yourself as one who supports positive outlooks on the Dad Life.

There was a time way back when, maybe a little longer than a decade ago --- damn near a century by technology's standards --- when I would make plans with someone, let's say a best friend, to do something, for example a movie. We agreed on where to meet and when.

And then we'd meet up when we said we would and we went to do what we planned to do. We held each other accountable to the plan we set. Traffic, storms, confusion at home...none of it mattered. You showed up on time or an acceptable amount of minutes late, stood by your plans and your word.

A couple weeks back I pulled up right in front of my son who was waiting for me in front of the movie theater near our house. He was looking down at his phone and wasn't looking up. I reached for my cell phone to call him when I heard me tell myself,

This is stupid.

I rolled down the window and started yelling at him to get in the car. Yelling not because I have no home training, but because I just felt plain silly.

What's even sillier? The fact that, if I choose, I can talk to friends all over the place via Facebook or Twitter, Disqus or whatever else I can get my hands on as far as social media goes, but I can hardly reach anyone on the phone and seeing them in person is a joke.

The very thing that makes social media viable is the thing that perpetuates a disconnected society: the desire to connect. Social media has broken down social barriers (by allowing people to hide behind their keyboards), created networks that in some cases reach absurd numbers --- the millions, and hardly any of them actually know one another.

I consider myself lucky. I've been able to put a real face and a breathing body to some of the more animated personalities in my social registers. And they are anything but crazy. This may have everything to do with the fact that they are animated personalities and merely use social media to enhance, not create, their networks. And at the beginning of the summer my luck got even better. I was able to connect with some old high school friends and despite my initial trepidation, we had a blast.

So what's my issue, you may be asking right about now? Simple. The lure of "connecting" has made cheating on your spouse, girlfriend, boyfriend, job, children, furry friends, etc., with your computer okay. I remember at one point in this life when chat rooms were the equivalent of an e-Sodom & Gomorrah, but now chatting via gchat, AIM, MSN Messenger, Facebook Chat, Twitter, all of it is as normal and considered as much a part of your daily routine as eating. So you're laughing at a screen, talking to a tiny camera mounted atop your monitor and barely speaking to the people you live with (now this is a worst-case scenario I'm painting here, but if left unchecked the lure can easily become an addiction).

Just ask yourself the following questions: 1) What is the first thing you DO when you wake up in the morning? 2) What is the first thing you DO after you sit down to your desk at work? 3) How do you unwind at home? 4) Does work ever end if social media is attached to your business?

Hopefully smartphone, computer and Facebook and/or Twitter or myspace won't be words that make up your answer. But if they do...


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I had planned to post today, but I wasn't sure what I was going to write. I'm still not but here goes...

Last night I abandoned my exhaustion, left my lovely daughter and traveled an hour and a half north of my home to visit one of my best friends. I was in a race against distance and time to a place I've never been. I had to be there by 10 pm. Why? Because that's when my friend's brother was coming to pick him up so the two of them could make a long, lonely drive to Kentucky where at 2pm today my great friend is to surrender himself to a federal prison camp. I had to see him before he left. If I didn't I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

Like me, my friend is a man, dad and husband and my friend has always been one of those sources that I've relied on for wisdom, encouragement and strength. For nearly 17 years he played this role in my life. Then about 2 years ago, the roles reversed.

He had gotten himself into what I initially thought was financial trouble. I remember when he first confessed his errors I came down on him hard, but told him there was a way out of it. I gave him a nice piece of cash to the tune of a couple thousand dollars. It wouldn't solve. It would help. I thought all was fine and then I didn't hear from him for almost a year. What I knew was merely the tip of the iceberg.

My friend went down in a fireball of legal trouble, or rather, legal infractions. And because he was a lawyer and a federal prosecutor at that, the powers that be were compelled to make an example out of him. Reading about him in the paper and reading the FBI press release caught me off guard and left me scratching my head. How is all this even possible? I remember asking myself. In the end only one or two of the half dozen charges stuck. And even the man who had it in for him admitted he was a good guy who made bad mistakes. He's got to pay the piper and hopefully in no time he'll be back home with his wife and 3 daughters.

I cried as I sped through the night, thinking about all the times he cried on the phone to me, knowing he had made bad choices, but had only done so to support his family and the lifestyle they had become accustomed too (which includes an enormous house). I told him a little natural human greed and needless risk taking probably factored in as well. When I finally saw him for the first time in three years, he looked solid. He was a man who seemed to be at peace with his fate and was ready to go. We hugged and almost immediately began cracking jokes. I talked to his brother and nephew, who was tagging along for the ride. His eldest daughter met me, though I've known her since she was a little bit (now she's nearly my height). His littlest ones met me and waved excitedly. And I embraced his wife, telling her that if she needed anything I was a phone call away, and I would be calling because I was only a phone call away. I told my friend I would do my best even though right now I have nothing to give. He told me what I've given him has been priceless.

After talking for entirely too long considering the timetable he was on, we all left the house and then chatted for a little while longer out on the front lawn. Then it was time for him to go. He got into his brother's car with four dollars and a bible. I got into mine. His wife and their kids were all out on the porch watching and waving. The oldest daughter knows exactly what's happening. The two little ones believe he's going away on business. And technically he is going away to handle his business and close out what I pray has been the darkest and dankest chapter of his life.

Because we were out in the sticks I followed behind them for a while until the road became recognizable. We were both taking the same route but my way was East and theirs, West. We hit a red light before parting ways and we all yelled at each other through open windows until the light turned green. Then I wished them well on their drive. They went right, and I went left.

Traveling back home my problems, namely my very real family/life-threatening crisis with my wife that I've been keeping secret from this blog, just seemed silly. All I kept seeing in front of me was a woman and her three girls huddled around her, standing in her front doorway watching her Husband and their Dad drive off into the unknown.

I went to bed heartbroken, but I am hopeful for them all.


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From the Desk of E.Payne...

Dear Wanton Wanter of Love,


You want love so bad, you can taste it.

You want love because it is so necessary for your life.

You want love because you deserve it.

But do you even know what love is?

Do you know what it feels, tastes, smells and looks like?

Do you truly understand how patient and kind it is?

Can you fathom the burden of understanding that it must bear?

Do you know that love forgives and forgets all things done against it?

Do you even have the space in your heart required for love?

Do you know that love seeks the best for others

and pays little attention to itself?

Do you know the power of love?

Love ends wars, changes hearts and gives life.

Love raises children, saves lives at the expense of self

and makes Good Samaritans into local heroes.

Love teaches children to grow up to be leaders.

Love guides religious leaders in the right way to lead their flocks.

Love gives hope in the face of unimaginable tragedy.

Love heals wounds...in time...

Love makes the days go by beautifully.

Love is the perfect director of regret-free living.

How is it that you want to receive love when love is given?

If you truly want love, you won't want for it at all.

Instead you'll be ready and full of praise when it comes.

Ready to be nourished by it and nourish in return.

You'll recognize it immediately, because it is already inside of you.


Sincerely,

E.Payne



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I don't think I've ever been more transparent than I was at 12:30 this morning.

I'm not sure I've been more at peace in the presence of my wife right then and there.

The truth is, as I've been hinting for a while, my marriage has been slowly but surely going loopy. We've fought, we've kicked, we've screamed. I've prayed, sought help, pursued peace, stopped talking, anything and everything I could think of, all to no avail. She's threatened to leave on more than one occasion. I've posted opposition each time wondering in my head why I just don't let go. She's decried us roommates and strangers living under the same roof, except when it comes to the kids. And nearly every night before my eyes shut til morning and during nearly every moment of quiet that comes along during the day, I've prayed for peace and wisdom. I've prayed not to change her (which I'm told is witchcraft) but to help me be, do, fix whatever it is that needs whatever it is. Lately the question I've asked, especially in lieu of all that recently went down with my son is, "How much can one man take?" After all no matter what my daydreams might be, I'm very much flesh and blood.

Just yesterday the head of my daughter's school said something to me in the midst of a larger conversation we were having which stopped me cold in my tracks:

"It takes at least a year to get established once you've moved."

Each word, minus the prepositions, crystallized in my mind. Then it all clicked.

Life is lived on levels and at stages. But nothing happens overnight and very little happens in a year. Preschool (depending on when you enter your child) is at least 2 years. Grade school/grammar school is 6-8. Middle school is 3. High school is 4. College is typically 4 and graduate school can last a lifetime.

Before this economy, businesses had a 5-7 year window of time to make it or break it. A baby remains a baby for a couple of years before becoming a toddler, then is a youngster for a considerable number of years before becoming a teen and so on. I hope that you get the idea.

Since my daughter's arrival into our lives, before and after marriage I have moved a total of 5 times. Prior to then I lived a comfortable, confident, consistent and established existence in the same place for 10 years. Since I've been married and for a little while before then I've been trying to understand where the confidence and the surety has gone.

It didn't "go" anywhere. It's simply never been allowed to develop since taking on the mantle of Husband and Father. Back during the househunter days before this new economy, I was so hell bent on owning (because I was an owner who swore I'd never rent again), I absolutely refused to remain at an apartment that was absolutely perfect for my new unwed insta-family. I disrupted our new found comfort and am pretty certain I introduced us to a culture of looking for more, rather than making what we had work. That was 2006.

I got married in the fall of 2007 and never ONCE talked to my new bride about future goals and expectations. I knew I wanted to relax and enjoy life but that was about all I expressed.

Since then my wife and I have been living our lives in 12 month increments. And not even. We have begun each 12 month cycle barely focused on the 12 months we've been in. Instead we have proselytized to nearly anyone who'll listen what our intentions are "next year". Not only is this exhausting. It simply isn't healthy. How do you determine where or how you might fit into a community if you only give yourself 12 months to do it (especially when it takes nearly 3 months just to get in your new groove)? How do you assess the quality of your relationships in a community if you only give yourself 12 months? How do you hope for success without giving yourself enough time to succeed? How do you build a life with someone you've told, "I do" when you two only have fleeting moments together, few and far between, because between the two of you you are so focused on what you want to happen later that you overlook today? Notice I said, what you want to happen. Wanting doesn't necessarily dictate that it will, no matter how much effort you put out. Then what? You're stuck hating where you are and hating who you're with. (AHA!)

My daughter's school administrator wasn't the only factor in my revolutionized thinking. My kids themselves were the key players. My daughter has friends in the neighborhood. She goes to birthday parties. She goes to Sunday school with one of her classmates. We bump into parents at Dunkin' Donuts and sandwich shops, the library and at malls. During all of my son's various sporting events I began to make my rounds with the parents and the coaches. Chatting it up during games, socializing with no more intent than to socialize. Due to my son's academic needs I've been forced to reach out to professionals and have those professionals refer me to other professionals, each contact layering onto the last. I've established relationships with all of his teachers so that if I see them outside of school grounds they recognize me and strike up conversations where they express genuine interest for my family. And last but not least I began taking neighbors up on hanging out. Particularly, a city official who lives 3 floors above me. Through him I've met a slew of well meaning community members, some of whom, just this week, were able to get my son actively involved in this community --- actively and enthusiastically volunteering his time for the benefit of others. So even though I've had my head up my own ass, forever focused on a future that has yet to arrive, I've inadvertently put down roots in my community for the sake of my kids. And now at the age of 38 I get that despite all the outside factors that cause you to dislike a place (cost of living, nosy neighbors, "bad" commute, "bad" job, etc., etc.) it is your human obligation, your right to be happy as a living breathing thing to live in the moment and make it work. A simple 3-5 year plan between you (and yourself if you're single) and the one you love can make the bitter pill of life around you so much easier to take. The things of life stop being the focus. Living life takes over.

I confessed this all to my wife during a very long midnight drive. Instead of the usual --- a contradictory statement that more times than not would send us both spiraling out of control, she sat there soaking it all in. When I was done she told me I was absolutely right and before she went to sleep she told me she loved me and that I was one of the strongest men she knew. I laughed, of course. She went on to say that I took the time to figure out what was going on in my head and chose to share it and it made perfect sense.

I smiled.

A new "threat" is on the horizon that has the potential to uproot us yet again. And at the same time it also presents itself as an opportunity. As the co-captain of this ship, I'm not exactly sure what to do. But I am now confident that whatever the ultimate outcome may be I won't be making any decisions moving forward in some desperate and deranged fashion that has me hating where I am and making bad decisions for the future as a result. I have an opportunity to turn things around. To stop being so mean to myself. To have the love and happiness I've always wanted, fully aware that it takes time.

I woke up this morning happy. And it Makes Me Wanna Holler.

If any of this sounds familiar I hope you'll stop yourself dead in your self-destructive tracks and figure out a way to make your life work.

THE MAN

It was just this past December when I wrote here on this blog that I couldn't stand the sight of me in the mirror. I believe my phraseology was something like when looking in the mirror I didn't know what (not who) I was looking at.

These days, I'm enjoying my reflection quite a bit, short of becoming narcissistic. The pudge that was in my cheeks is noticeably reduced, revealing sharper lines. The backfat from the small of my back is gone, although there's still more to be removed from the rest of my midsection. I'm standing erect, moving around easily. Intensity flares in my eyes. I go to bed dead tired and wake up not wanting to wake up, but I hit the ground running and don't stop until I'm dead tired again. I'm take charge and fight the doubt that swirls in my head every time I'm poised to do something that will benefit me. The soundtrack of my life right now is a mix of Rock, R&B, House Music with some touches of Hip Hop. It's my warrior's soundtrack. I've written extensively about "Getting Back To Me". And I feel me clawing my way out of the fat blob of discontent I've been for the past 3-4 years. If I were to be completely honest with myself it probably began before then all the way back to when I found out I was going to be a dad for real.

I feel in control, though I know I control nothing. I feel power, though as a man I only have direction over me. I feel I am standing at the threshold of something great. This can mean one of two things or be a combination of both: I am moments or mere steps away from peace of mind, or I'm about to hit paydirt. Either way I feel it and I'm encouraged by the substance of what I can't see (a.k.a. Faith).


THE DAD

Anyone who would ever question my dedication and actions as a father (not that it's ever happened) would seriously get their feelings hurt. By no means am I a perfect dad. Sometimes I'm quick to anger. Sometimes I growl, yell and bark. Sometimes I'm not interested in being patient. Sometimes I get fed up with these little people (even the one who is taller than me now) telling me what to do. I deal with their youthful rudeness as I would a man of my maturity and understanding. And then I realize what I've done when I see them cowering before the Man that I am. Sometimes I enjoy the reaction. It's wrong, but it happens sometimes. Otherwise, they are the number one priorities in my life. I am up before the sun making sure my son has a hot breakfast before he has to face his demons (and there are many) at the high school. I tell him to have a great day whether he responds to me or not. I let his occasional teenage ingratitude roll off me like the water does in the shower. I fight for him at the school. I fight to keep him busy. I fight to instill in him as many tenets of manhood as I can before he flies the coop. My daughter plain and simple is my power source. Like the Arc Reactor embedded in Tony Stark's a.k.a Iron Man's chest, she powers me, even as she drains me. I listen to her as if she were a Ph.D. I empower her not to become entitled and helpless because of her staggering beauty which is currently disguised as unbelievable cuteness. I pray with her. I read to her. I keep her centered. I do tea parties and playdough parties. I get dressed in suits and make my hats and caps look silly to fit the scenarios of whatever adventure she's cooked up in her head and chosen to include me in. I do what any parent should do. I love them --- in word, in emotion and in action. And I'm thankful to have been put in charge of them.


THE HUSBAND

The husband I am, I'm not so sure about as of late. Many who have been with me through these past couple of years know that my wife was a major subject matter in my blogging. Since the beginning of this year it'd be hard to not notice that I've barely mentioned her at all. Those commenters who always had something to say about my musing on married life have become mute, my traffic has dipped, but my subscribers keep increasing. I've given up trying to figure it out.

This morning I had an argument with my wife. In my outrage, the real me, that me that I mentioned at the beginning of this post, confessed that I'm not the loving husband I thought I'd be, need to be or even want to be. I am my mother's child: sensitive, thoughtful, fashion conscious, obedient to the law and very concerned about the well being of others. But as I chase down 40 I'm discovering that I am just as much my father's son: brooding, methodical, distant, cold, academic instead of emotional, as a matter of fact and sometime downright stoic. The distinction I can make is that I am my mother's child. I become my father's son when on the defense. I love my father with all my heart for everything that he is and is not, but in the bag of traits that was handed down to me I made a point not to pick the ones I listed here. I seem to have grabbed them anyway. Why this has happened, whose fault this is, is somewhat irrelevant for the purpose of this post. I guess I just am stating all this to state to the universe that by no means am I a perfect man. I don't profess to know it all and in most circles I'd prefer to keep my knowledge to myself lest it be challenged. I let my spirit guide me, but in a world ruled by the self I am constantly at odds because I am not in sync with most.

Marriage is something many enter into lightly, not understanding that it is a contract written in blood and DNA. Many men who find themselves overwhelmed or disillusioned have a simple solution: they cheat. But I believe (as a married man) I should have all my eggs in only one basket. And they are in plain sight for everyone to see under the roof of my home and nowhere else.

I'm a Man, I'm a Dad, And I'm a Husband. And I'm doing the best I can.

I just felt like sharing.

To be continued (or added to) at some point in the future...

How's that for transparent?

I know it's been quiet here on my blog...

I haven't really been into the blogging thing...which is ironic given the number of giveaways I have backing up. When I was blogging like a man possessed I couldn't pay for a giveaway...

I haven't even had much to blog about in recent days. My new boxing regimen has all but consumed me on the days that I work out. I've lost 6 pounds but gained swollen knuckles and a trick right knee in the process.

My wife is out of town for her quarterly on-campus stay for Business School. The experience has left me ragged this time around with my daughter in school and my son playing AAU basketball. My mom came in to town to help out, but I'm finding myself spending more time than I thought I would making sure she's okay. After all, she's my mom and when I let her, she talks a hole in my head.

Been doing a lot of physical and spiritual spring cleaning, too...

Trying to find/establish a meaningful and consistent source of income has become a downright humiliating process in this new and bizarre America we currently live in. Were I a person who without hope and faith I'd say it was hopeless too. But I am not.

Maybe more important than any of the above or any other reason I could conjure up is the fact that I thought this blog in general was an exercise in catharsis, but it seems that writing about Unsung Stepfathers & Jive Turkeys was the catharsis within the catharsis. Writing that piece rendered me silent but reflective, almost mute. I've been unable to do my usual extrapolation of my life, distilling it down, making it funny, or not, for public consumption. If I looked at the totality of my blog, all 450+ posts and strung them together as one story, then that post was the climax, and now I'm living in the denouement --- that boring part of the movie where the hero is sitting somewhere in a coffee shop talking to the girl your girl (or you if you're a woman) thinks is ugly or walking through a field all bandaged and scarred up but at peace even if his war isn't over.

Is this the end of Makes Me Wanna Holler?

Of course it isn't. My son hasn't stopped any of his teenage antics. My daughter has entered a particularly disobedient phase where in an effort to exact world domination, she defies every blood related adult, but is perfectly obedient in pre-school. Oh and her incessant need to play from the second she opens her eyes in the morning until the moment she closes them for the night. Yeah, that one is unraveling me nerve by nerve. She's still the jewel of my eye, but she is truly testing me. And the wife? I've had plenty of experiences and revelations that will make for great anecdotal advice for those of you seeking and needing it, as I've always believed this blog is about me, but only minimally for me.

And I'm still boxing away that backfat, and I don't plan on stopping anytime soon...La máquina ha vuelto! I am slowly but surely returning to former my in-shape, powerful and healthily focused and deranged self. I even have an acupuncture appointment scheduled to see if I can fix my new trick knee and heavy-daughter-strained lower back.

So I'm hardly done. But as of late I've been unexpectedly silent. And for this I do apologize.

Please bear with me.

Oh and did I mention I'm on Kindle, too? Check me out below.




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Someone I know recently launched a blog and her second post inspired me, so I decided I'd follow suit today in a similar vein with some food for thought...

It's better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.
Proverbs 21:9 (NLT)

Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife.
Proverbs 21:19 (NIV)

A worthy wife is her husband’s joy and crown; the other kind corrodes his strength and tears down everything he does.
Proverbs 12:4

And what about men?

The man who finds a wife finds a good find; she is a blessing to him from the Lord.
Proverbs 18:22

But if any man does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
1 Timothy 5:8

A husband must also love his wife as he does his own self.
Ephesian 5:28,29

Husbands must "honor" their wives.
1 Peter 3:7

Her price is far above rubies.
Proverbs 31:10

Everyone all together, now...

The commandments, "Do not commit adultery," "Do not murder," "Do not steal," "Do not covet," and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: "Love your neighbor as yourself." Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.
Romans 13:9-10 (NIV)

You don't have to be a believer to know love is the message. How many believers acknowledge love is the message but then don't give their all to put this into play? (Am I raising my hand by myself?)

I'd even argue that most days those who aren't all "churched" up get love in a way that those who are rarely do. But that's a different conversation, not for this blog...ever.

Feel free to share, if you dare.

Peace.

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