I recently learned that dreams and goals are not the same thing.* Dream as big and crazy (not too crazy) as you are able. It will keep you young at heart, mind and spirit.

*Where I learned this.

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This article was originally published at BlackAndMarriedWithKids.com.

In our society mediocrity has become the norm. In this economy, hopeless-speak is just what we do. We want more and more; better for our kids yet they listen to us gripe all day long. Many of us get on our knees and pray to a God we cannot see, but won’t even make eye-contact with let alone give a penny to, a homeless person stationed on the sidewalk in front of us. We think nothing of financially support singers, dancers and ball handlers, contributing to their millionaire lifestyles but at the same time nickel and dime ourselves when it comes to investing in our own well-beings and development. At bedtime before sleep takes us away from it all — this hell on Earth — a tiny question dances across our minds that we won’t ever admit out loud: “What happened?”

• What happened to that boy or girl we used to be who was filled with their dream(s)?
• What happened to the vigor that drove us to not let anyone or anything slow us down?
• What happened to that fire for life we once had? Where did it go? Why did it go?

Why Is The Exception Not the Norm?
There are, of course, exceptions. And guess what? These individuals often don’t consider themselves to be exceptional at all. They use terms like “luck” and “being blessed” with the right combination of means, opportunity or persons of influence who were able to help them along the way. None of these factors would have mattered had they given up on their dreams. Without dreams they wouldn’t have known when or how to act when their opportunities arrived. They were prepared for when it came rather than upset and caught unprepared because it might have come later than they expected. One such individual, Mikki Taylor, beauty director and cover editor at Essence magazine, was one of the seemingly endless number of professionals and celebrities who lined up to meet and share their own dreams with 110 youth selected from all around the nation for Disney’s Dreamers Academy with Steve Harvey and Essence. It was an amazing 4-day weekend of intense experiential mentoring covering from animation to veterinary science. The end goal for these young “Dreamers” is to leave the experience better equipped to transform their dreams into realities and in turn help others like them do the same.

Taylor delivered one of the many powerful messages to the Dreamers during their Commencement Ceremony. As I sat there with BMWK’s Lamar & Ronnie Tyler listening intently, she reminded me of the following:

1. Know your value. Your perception of who you are determines how you carry and conduct yourself.
2. You must arm yourself with the necessary tools for you to accomplish what you want.
3. Be about the business of making your dreams come true. Treat your pursuit of that dream as if it were a business.
4. Don’t get sidetracked by who and what is perceived to be “cool.” Take your direction from the right people.
5. Seek out informed individuals to help you reach your goals.
6. Make your gift your pursuit. Money is definitely nice, but you have to do more than just want to make money.
7. Do not build a house in the valley of your troubles. Own [up to] them and then move on.
8. Don’t allow the limited vision of someone else to become yours. My own take on this: Advice is often another’s excuse for their own failure(s).
9. Use your gift. Spend it up entirely because it is on loan to you from the Creator.
10. When it comes time to act step out on faith. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. It will be your guide and your legs when the road is rough.

The kids weren’t the only ones who needed to hear these words.

To Dream The Impossible Dream
A person will only go as far as their beliefs allow them. A child starts out beginning that anything is possible. Then they reach a point where resistance rears it’s ugly head. It is at that point that they need someone who knows a little more than they do to bolster their courage to do the “impossible.” This doesn’t mean it can’t be done. There are plenty of success stories involving kids who didn’t have anything resembling a parent or authority figure to help along their rough, maybe even impossible roads to success. But shouldn’t that experience be the exception rather than the norm? Each one should teach one in any and all ways possible.

I left the experience blessed to be able to connect a budding and passionate young photographer with several accomplished professional photographers I know personally. For all I know this may the reason why four years ago, after knowing none prior, I “suddenly” came to know and become friends with several photographers nationwide. Will you do the same when your turn comes or will you simply remember all that wasn’t done for you when you used to dream?

Yesterday is gone. There is nothing that can be done or undone with it. All each of us has is right now. Even if you are reading this at 6 o’clock in the evening you can finish off your day recommitted to being about the business of bringing your dreams to life. Or you can make yourself available to usher a child, either yours or someone not as lucky as yours, that much closer to their dreams.

If you are one of the many downtrodden described at the beginning of this piece, despair no more. No matter whose fault it is or was, it’s going to be okay. Stop punishing yourself and stop allowing yourself to be punished. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and reconnect with your dreams — the divine intention that was inserted into you as your life’s purpose! But beware. This is all easier said than done. There won’t be any thunderclaps because you’ve got a new attitude. It’s unlikely that opportunity will begin pouring down from the heavens. But as Steve Harvey expressed repeatedly throughout the weekend, once you stop dreaming and pursuing those dreams “you may as well cash in the chips.” Dreams are what drive the life force. A life without dreams is simply an existence at the expense of others — your spouse, your children, your society, everyone you come into contact with.

Please, make your life count.

To learn more about this amazing weekend of dreams and opportunities that happens once a year at Disney World, visit Disney’s Dreamer’s Academy.
E.Payne is the author of Investing In An Emotional Letdown and I Didn't Invented Sex. For the past 3 years he has posted 600+ articles about fatherhood, marriage and everything in between here at Makes Me Wanna Holler.com. To learn more, click here.

I had the honor and privilege of being asked to cover the 2011 Disney's Dreamers Academy as a journalist representing the New Media side of the coin. I spent most of the early part of last week prepping for my journey to sunny Orlando. I commandeered my son's netbook for portability, I rented a high powered wide angle lens for my camera and I was armed with my mediocre cell phone for quick video and uploads. While I was there I was doing a whole lot of everything --- updating the Makes Me Wanna Holler Facebook Fan Experience with news and information as it was happening at the mentoring events I attended, blogging in the wee hours of the morning (and while eating lunch). But before I digress let me stick to the point.

Disney's Dreamers Academy with partners Steve Harvey and Essence magazine, featured a star-studded line-up of VIP entertainment and sports figures, motivational speakers and world-class business professionals along with an amazing roster of Disney employees (from execs to animators) hosted a power-packed weekend of special events and educational workshops at Walt Disney World Resort in Orlando March 3-6.

More than 100 high school students from across the country participated, selected by a blue-ribbon panel from among nearly 4,000 applicants.

I was literally overwhelmed by the talent there both on the adult and youth side (more on this in a separate post). During our time there, many of the bloggers I worked alongside managed to snag a "Dreamer" (youth participant) or two for an interview, seeking out those youths who might be in the same field or have originated from the same locale. With a 110 participants and a sea of media, entertainment and executives, accomplishing this quickly began to feel like looking for a needle in a haystack.

So God decided to do my work for me.A young and extremely enterprising young man wielding a camera considerably more advanced than my own approached me and introduced himself. Not only did we share a similar passion for photography, but he originates from Gary, Indiana, a literal stone's throw from Chicago's borders. Before the weekend was over we were able to sit down for a very quick chat.



I'm one of those Canon people. Despite the poor lighting in the video and my asking him a couple of questions twice, the content is all there. This kid is on his game and his grind. He has his own company, his own business cards and his own 30-second "elevator speech".

Avery's Bio & Accomplishments
A junior honor student attending Thea Bowman Leadership Academy in Gary, IN. An honor student since 3rd grade. A member of the Spanish Club and the Marching Band where he plays Baritone. He volunteers on a monthly basis at the Embassies of Christ Outreach Center preparing food baskets for those in need and play chess at a neighborhood center with the seniors. He is a self-taught chess player who has participated in many tournaments. He is a participant in Purdue University's Gifted Educational Research Institute (G.E.R.I) annual summer camp for gifted children. He is in charge of all photography needs for Embassies of Christ Kingdom Ministry. He states, he has an eye that allows him to capture moments others can't see. As a born leader, he was selected as the Post-Tribune "Leader of the Future" in 5th grade and selected as a junior reporter to cover the Harlem Globetrotters in 8th grade. "My dream and purpose in life is to be able to travel the world and capture God's wonders in print for everyone else to see. I have aspirations of attending Columbia College of Chicago and majoring in Photography."

Avery is a marvelous young man --- easily an inspiration to us all, both young and old. A note to any and all Chicago or Midwest based photographers reading this, if you'd like to mentor this young man, please contact me here so I can put you in touch with Avery.

Keep it moving Avery. Keep it moving right on to the top!



E.Payne is the author of Investing In An Emotional Letdown and I Didn't Invented Sex. For the past 3 years he has posted 600+ articles about fatherhood, marriage and everything in between here at Makes Me Wanna Holler.com. To learn more, click here.

Although this trailer is hardly new, this is it's debut on Makes Me Wanna Holler. Of course I saw the original TRON in 1982. Back then (I won't say what grade I was in) I had dreams of destroying the MCP, getting the girl and most importantly, holding a stick out in front of me and having a futuristic motorcycle form around me out of thin air. As wide-eyed as I was over the whole thing back then, I thought the graphics were just a little cheesy.

So of course I was totally skeptical when they announced the "sequel" about two or so years ago. It's been almost 30 years! Yet again Hollywood was tampering with something that should remain untouched in its space (and decade) for the sake of one potential big box office weekend. Or so I thought.

But it is 2010 and technology has most certainly caught up with the imaginations of us boys who are now men, but are forever boys at heart (and in our dreams). Watching these trailers for TRON: Legacy turned me into a believer once more. Now I have something to look forward to this December to satisfy my inner geek. The acting juggernaut, Jeff Bridges, is back, Daft Punk is doing the soundtrack and the light cycles from back in the day have nothing on these bad boys featured in the next clip.



Shhh...can you hear that? That's the sound of you wanting one in your favorite color complete with a killer frisbee.

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As I breathe in the aroma of my cologne (Comme De Garcons) I pause and think back on the month of quasi silence I imposed on myself via this blog.

In September I will be 39...

When I was 23 I wrote in a journal what and who I'd be at 39.

I'd be...

• wealthy.
• wise.
• established.
• a brand new family man.
• an owner of at least two homes (nothing fancy, just economically sound).
  
• a frequent renter of yachts.
• world traveled.
• newly married to an exotic brown beauty who spoke English with an accent and didn't get American culture.
• filled with peace, happiness and a simple, basic relationship with my God, regardless of the challenges hurled my way.
  
• happily focused on the years ahead of me having dispensed with all the ones behind me (most important of them all).
  

Almost everything I've ever written in this one particular journal has come to pass whether I actually remember writing it or not.

Almost none of the above came to pass, and that that has didn't in the fashion I imagined.

The only coincidence (in my thinking) seems to be that my father had me at the ripe old age of 39. Never wanting to have children at such an old age, I completely understand now the logic behind being an established man before an established father....

The 2nd Sunday in January, I went to church with a friend and her mother and cried through the entire service, especially the sermon. My heart was in pieces and my soul didn't understand why, my mind was sorting out logical answers and my emotions were all over the place --- sad, encouraged, furious, fearful. The only thing my spirit could do was cry and with my tears, poison dripped out of me.

What poison? You might be asking yourself. What in the hamfat is he talking about? Maybe he needs another month off?

I spent most of the last decade hearing from the people closest to me about how I was too...

• too sensitive...
• too emotional...
• too irritable...
• too immature...
• too selfish..
• too cranky...
• too moody...
• too detached...
• too cold...
• too dramatic...
• too sensitive...(I know I already wrote this)...
• too self-centered...

I won't debate the truth in the above. I am not the recipient of my actions, so I can't speak on how I'm received by others. But I didn't hear much else in the opposite direction. And a weird thing happened. I began to search for compliments, hunger for my ego to be stroked, get desperate for kind words, want accolades for the most basic of activities, such as doing what I'm supposed to do around the house and doing what I'm supposed to be doing with my kids. I even wonder if this blog evolved into a slight cry for approval from all of you, my loyal readers. Worst of all I began going over and above the call of duty seeking approval and getting upset when that didn't happen.

But if I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, even if I think it's to a superior degree, isn't it simply what I'm supposed to be doing? And why get a cookie for that?

I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. What a pickle.

As 2009, the worst year of the worst decade of my life, ended, I looked in the mirror and didn't know who I was and I hated what I had become. I hated talking about it on this blog (or not talking about it). I hated living it in my skin. I needed to step off, to find me, to rediscover me, to be at peace with me, even if that means being at war (or not at ease) with everyone else in the process...

So I stepped off, prayed for peace, sought quietude and began to reteach myself how to be me, and be a Man, Dad & Husband at the same time. It required and will continue to require the precision of a surgeon, the tactical savvy of a sergeant and the knowledge of an archeologist.

Interestingly enough, people in these positions typically utter three words to their teams when things get critical and it's time to get serious and roll up their sleeves.

And that's what I'm doing and will continue to do, God willing. So that by the time I hit 39 in September, you and I can all celebrate the beauty of life, the power of marriage, the strength of family, the prosperity that life has to offer despite it's bumps and bruises.

I'm going in because as I approach 40 I don't want to sit around patting my belly reminiscing about long gone days, never to be lived again. I want to be able to be all that I can for my family, my community and my country. And I'm dead serious. Because if I'm not living life to the fullest then I might as well be...dead. Better that than miserable.

Come along for the ride and I promise you'll have some fun along the way. Thanks for being patient in January. I only lost a few of you and I gained several more somehow with only 4 posts.

That's it for now. Tune in for more in the coming days.

Don't forget to contribute to the efforts in Haiti.


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Robert Downey, Jr....

Don Cheadle...

Mickey Rourke...

Iron Man...

War Machine...

Whiplash...

May 2010...



One word: "Yessssssssssssssssss......"

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So, I was going to post a nice, happy frivolous post today, a Friday. Instead, I turned on my computer and was stunned to see that President Obama has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

This isn't a political blog so my reasons for being stunned are mine and I have no desire to share/impose them. But the Web 2.0 in me simply won't allow me not to call attention to this event in real time for the sake of a post about a loaf of bread.

Stay tuned.

Never Miss A Post

Tuesday was a day I've been waiting for for a long, long time.

My 14-year old son is hard headed. Not that anyone at 14 isn't, but a hard head makes for a soft behind, goes the old adage. My father went upside my head so much when I was growing up (something he now claims to not recall) I have no desire to lift a finger or raise my voice to discipline my son. All the same, I've had a run-in or two with him over the years. I clearly remember in the midst of fracases with my father I stared him down with bloody rage in my eyes. This always made things worse. My son, on the other hand, has collapsed to the floor, a screaming, hysterical mess. I wasn't even able to stay angry at the sight of his theatrics.

My, how times have changed.

Besides, why do anything when Life is such a better instructor? My policy is to warn, once, twice, maybe even repeatedly, but I make sure to give full disclosure.

With fall comes football and on Monday, sonny-boy missed football practice because he didn't know what time it started. The night before I asked him to check. He said, "Okay." This meant it wasn't going to happen. He was visibly upset when his teammates called to tell him he missed practice but got over it quickly since his school had off for Yom Kippur. Over the course of the day he repeatedly insisted that it was a light practice. I have no idea how he knew this since he wasn't there.

My warning to my son: "That's fine, but you are the co-captain of the team. You're supposed to be the example. You not showing up tells the people you lead they don't have to show up either. This isn't going to fly for long. It's unacceptable that you don't know when you have practice. And it's not going to happen again."

My son gave me a legitimate, "Yes, Dad." He understood.

Unfortunately for him, I wasn't the only one who felt this way. When I arrived to my son's game Tuesday afternoon with my daughter, I saw him on the sidelines standing suited up. And that's all he did --- stand --- for the entire game. I missed the first quarter and initially thought to myself, what could he have possibly done to get yanked out of the game so early? Finally, I realized he never entered it. And neither did a few other starters who paced the sideline with him.

After the game I introduced myself to his defensive coach (a man who looked like he could eat me for lunch) just for the sake of being polite. Incorrectly assuming I wanted to know why my son didn't play he shook my hand and immediately stated that he had to make an example out of my son because he's missed practices (this was his second time for the exact same reason).

I told him that was my son's problem, not mine. My job is to get him where he needs to be. His job is to know when and where he needs to be.

My son got a nice bitter taste of what it means to be a man --- something he covets as a football player and an aspiring Air Force pilot. You mess up, you pay the consequences. He's heard this a thousand times from me, but this time it was something that truly mattered to him. And based on the size and demeanor of the defensive coach, I'm almost certain he was dealt with harshly.

My son sobbed loudly in the car on the way home. I told him it was one game, that he needed to accept responsibility for his actions, that he had the opportunity to turn himself around, to shake it off and to do his best to ensure this never happens again. "This," I said, "is what being a man is really about." He ran inside our building dragging his uniform and backpack behind him and closed himself up in his room to cry some more. Part of me laughed and part of me truly felt his pain because I know it myself and experience it often as a Man. An hour or so later he emerged from his room to eat dinner and do his homework. He left his trash everywhere around the house and didn't do any of his chores for the night. He was a miserable, gangling, teenage mess.

Next lesson for another time: Your bad day has nothing to do with me or you not fulfilling your responsibilities.

Never Miss A Post

When I was 19 years old, I pledged Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity, Inc. at Cornell University. In addition to all the clandestine-half-fiction-half-reality stuff I had to do, I also had to be able to rattle off, with military precision and intensity, a full catalog of poems, statements and greetings at a moments notice. To this day I can still rattle off nearly everything without error. How's that for negative reinforcement?

While surfing the net I happened across one of the most meaningful poems I had to remember. It is absolutely scary how these words are apply no matter the time or era man (and woman) might find himself in. And they are especially cogent in these times. And they especially make sense at work, at home, with the wife, with the kids, with your dreams etc., etc.


IF
by Sir Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

It doesn't get any more Man, Dad and Husband than this.

Related Link: Frat Life

Never Miss A Post

I know today is Friday because I learned last night that it was Thursday.

There’s not much else I can tell you right now.

I’m currently suffering from the disorientation that comes with moving, my most hated activity before grocery shopping, packing for trips, and washing clothes. I went from living in a beautiful neighborhood in the attic apartment of what was originally planned to be a temporary dwelling to another beautiful neighborhood, several miles out of my but steps from the area that my son has been going to school for years. I now have more space than I have furniture, 2 terraces that can easily hold 8 or 9 people comfortably, one of the walls in my son’s room is all glass, a skyline view as far as my vision will allow me to see, bathrooms, granite countertops, closets, etc., etc. And I still don’t have a job.
The only explanation I have is that God provides.

I’m sold on the apartment, but not the area. It was a compromise. (Please see previous post).

The disorientation I feel has to do with the fact that I am now an expatriate of nowhere, because since starting a family I haven’t settled down anywhere long enough to say I’m from anywhere. A year ago I wouldn’t have minded. Now, I’m not so sure. When I first came to New York I was able to say my roots were in Chicago, after a 9 year stint in Queens I was able to say my roots were there. Since then I’ve moved 4 times. And we still intend to relocate to another state sooner rather than later.

Needless to say, I’m disconnected. This fact made itself loud and clear on Tuesday when I moved with the help of no one other than my wife and my father-in-law as their work schedules would allow. It wasn’t for a lack of asking on my part. But the answers --- wide and various --- were all no.

On Tuesday night I was tormented by Charley Horses in both legs and in my forearms. This was due to my valiant but incredibly stupid drive. I didn’t drink for most of the day in my desire to get the job done. I didn’t even think to put some snacks in the truck I rented. By night’s end I drank enough liquids to send a 1st and 2nd grade classroom to the bathroom for an entire day and I didn’t go to the bathroom at all. In one day I lost 4 pounds. I’m glad I’ve dropped the weight, but the way I did it wasn’t cool. I was delirious. I'm not just writing this for effect. I was actually delirious.

So now what?

Now I have a fall in front of me and a very painful summer behind me. My wife is satisfied, my son is happy, and my daughter is what she always has been, a ball of fusion energy. My wife told me I make good decisions and she’s glad we are where we are. I’m glad I was able to make it all happen for my family. I wish I could say my reward lies simply in their happiness, but I know that it only accounts for a percentage of it. Though not small, it is only a percentage and not the total. How it all shakes out for me remains to be seen.

Stay tuned…


Never Miss A Post

Kryptonite comes in more forms than an imaginary radioactive green rock from outer space.

Last week, I thoughtlessly shot the following piece of footage. When I watched it I was taken aback by my honesty and how I conveyed it. And since I'm all about the real, here's the deal (that rhymed)...

Being a father isn't always rosy. I receive a lot of emails from people thanking me for the inspiration I provide. Sometimes, a message can be conveyed without waxing eloquent. Sometimes, it's just raw emotion --- raggedy, honest humanity that is the best teacher. I'm a man, dad, and husband and I have to make sacrifices because of the dad, husband part. I don't always it. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that, even as a dad and a husband. I think it's human. So if you're a dad/parent don't beat yourself up too much for having natural feelings that don't jive with your position. Just don't let those feelings prevent you from doing what needs to be done in the lives of your children.




Stay tuned...

Never Miss A Post

Before this week is over my family and I will all be under the same roof once again after a long-feeling, but short in duration, summer spent apart.

• My 14 year-old, high school freshman, J.V. football playing son, will be hidden from view behind the door of his room embracing his Xbox 360 Live fighting online with his friends and refusing to show his face accept to raid the refrigerator.


• My daughter's daily activities will most like not be disrupted by her return home: watching a little bit of Noggin; coloring; drawing; counting; spelling; beginner's reading; demanding everything under the sun; and telling me what to do at every turn, despite the fact that I tell her she sounds rude and not like Daddy's Baby Girl (I'm not sure she gets it yet --- or cares).


• My wife and I will begin a new journey and chapter in our nine-year saga together as we head into the final days of our second year of marriage; celebrate (hopefully) both our birthdays in September; move into a bigger, but still temporary dwelling that will serve us all a little better in comfort, if not price; and move forward, doing our best to work together versus whatever it was we were doing this summer and have been doing for as many months as I can remember (just keepin' it real, folks).

This summer was a painful one for me. It was also quiet and at times lonely. At one point or another and at times overlapping each other...

• I didn't see my son for a month and a half.


• I didn't see my daughter for nearly two months.


• I didn't see my wife for three weeks.

When these incidents overlapped I found myself with a tremendous amount of time on my hands. With no job and a crumbling self esteem, I wasn't sure at first what to do. I almost felt paralyzed to move without the wife or some kid in tow. But alone with my thoughts I involuntarily began to deconstruct my life in an effort to make sense of it --- the life I lived when none of these other people comprised my life and the life I now live with them. My primary question was, how the hell did I end up as the head of a household? Am I doing enough? What am I not doing right? Why can't I do more? Are my kids happy? Is my wife happy? Am I happy?

After several days of solitude I discovered it is the answer to this last question that is the key to answering all the rest.

On this blog, I've made several mentions of being unemployed, I've even lamented about it. But I haven't talked about how much I love to sit down to crank out my posts from one day to the next (it's almost like a drug). I didn't mention the joy that overcame me when I took an introductory Adobe Dreamweaver class in July and discovered that as a result of blogging I've inadvertently taught myself HTML and CSS (and didn't really need to take the class). Or how the photos I've been posting lately come naturally to me. Or how an established artist pulled me aside to tell me I've missed my calling as a photographer and need to start taking classes yesterday. This summer and long since before then, I've focused on what isn't and overlooked what is.

My solitude was like a blank sheet of paper the size of a football field. I got to sit in the middle of it, look out across it, and retrace my steps while planting new ones. I vowed to do my best to relearn and embrace what it means to be me.

In July, I lost 10 pounds. In August, I traveled alone to Atlanta after having a fight with my wife that would've sent most men to their divorce lawyers or jail (just keeping it real), reconnected with old friends, both male and female, went to dinner (alone), attended an arts festival (alone), frequented a couple of bars, and visited a few schools (a scouting expedition for the kids), relied upon the kindness of strangers more than once as I was rained on repeatedly, attended a film fest, and in sum had a blast and managed to stay out of trouble the entire time I was there given what I left and what was waiting for me back home.

In August, I traveled to every corner of the five boroughs of New York, abandoning my distaste for burning gas and ungluing myself from my fear of going places alone if going alone meant doing the things I wanted to do versus sitting at home waiting for a friend to make time for me (which I did at first). I went to restaurants, bars, get-togethers, a play, cinema under the stars, street fairs, green markets and a couple of friends' author events. I eventually connected with friends who got on the same page with me and had some really great conversations.

In August (yesterday) I rented a bicycle in downtown Chicago and rode along the Lakeshore stopping only to snap photos and ultimately stopped cold by a city sponsored Triathlon route. I eventually abandoned the Lakesfront and rode through some beautiful downtown neighborhoods. And tonight, on the last day of August, I will board a train with my daughter for a 20-hour trip back to New York. I haven't ridden the train since 2001 and I decided I wanted the serenity and a glimpse of America's countryside on one of Amtrak's most scenic routes, accompanied by my daughter's wide-eyed enthusiasm. These are all things that I wanted to do and these were all things that I did, just like I used to when I was just a Man, when there was no Dad and no Husband. These were the things that added to the totality of me so that one fateful day in 2000, a woman would cross my path and make me into a Dad and a Husband.

In trying to make sense of life I've completely overlooked it's simplicity and probably made things more complex than they've needed to be. As far as work goes I've been so hell bent on seeking fulfillment (a bad thing when done in excess), somewhere it got lost in the translation that fulfillment comes from the richness of life provided by the fruit of my labor --- regardless of the labor. Meaning, if I wanted to, I could live like a king, but work for UPS. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with working for UPS. Believe me, the thought has crossed my mind more than a few times.

So like the birds of the air who live simply from point A to point B, why should I do any different? All I have to do is live each and every day to the fullest --- the good ones, the frustrating ones and the downright I-wish-I hadn't-even-got-up-ones. All I have to do is fight for the richest life for myself by simply getting up each and everyday (well maybe 6 out of 7) and giving my all to this life that has been given to me, pouring every ounce of myself into the moments I have with my children and the wife. It's like Reagonomics, a trickle down of my riches onto my family. If I'm happy and fulfilled with myself, then I will encourage/reprimand/build up/love/endow with life lessons/discipline my kids with prudence and sensitivity and a genuine heart. The same goes for when when I kiss/am honest with/am being a friend to my wife. That's all I have to do. And that's where the hardest challenge lies. Why? Because the only one who's been in the way of this, even when I've blamed others, always has been and always will be...me. Even when someone else is in my way it's up to me to get around them, or pray for the strength to do so. Think about it: the next time you talk about what you can't do or what someone is doing to you, listen to yourself. What word do you find yourself using more than any other? I'll bet you money it's "I".

The older I get the simpler life becomes. Not because life has gotten any simpler. It's actually gotten ridiculously complex, tragic and needlessly violent. But for me, with age, I'm finding my focus getting sharper. The distractions that have kept me trapped in a morass of complexity, especially the ones in my own head, are falling away with each passing day. In their absence, only the beauty and simplicity (even during the tough times) of life remains. It's up to me to keep it that way and I'm committed to doing so upon my return to a full house. The same goes for you and your life if any of this sounds familiar.

I hope you make it all make sense for you in your own special way.

See you in September.

Voting ends today!


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I stood there for a while waiting for his buddies to show up, hoping I'd get to see them transform.



Eventually some more did arrive, but still, none of them transformed.


Vote by 8/31/09!!!


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Set in the present-day Democratic Republic of the Congo, Ruined follows a young woman's nightmarish path to Mama Nadi, a savvy businesswoman who—in the midst of a complex civil war— both protects and profits from the women whose bodies have become battlegrounds. At once heartbreaking and captivating, Ruined pays homage to the courageous and resilient women who must piece themselves together after the ruin.

Source: Theatre In Chicago

I had the absolute pleasure of seeing this wonderful play last night as the guest one of my former acting teachers (and now friend) from Harlem School of the Arts. Aside from the amazing Pulitzer Prize winning playwright, Lynn Nottage's emotionally wrenching and almost impossibly layered and textured work, and the amazing multifaceted performances put on by all the actors - I was especially tickled because I met nearly all of the cast a week earlier at my friend's home. It was an intimate little gathering where they dined, chatted casually and played...Taboo.

Ruined is an amazing play complete with some of the best actors I've seen. And as someone who's seen many plays on Broadway (numbering in the double-digits), I was knocked off my feet by this slick, Off-Broadway production.

Ruined's Condola Rashad (Sophie) & Quincy Tyler Bernstine (Salima)

If you're into the theatre, this is one you don't want to miss. It's curtain closes on September 6th of this year. There's still time for those of you who are in New York City or intend to visit in the coming days. Purchase your tickets for Ruined here and be a witness to something very beautiful.

Peace...





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I haven't asked a Question of the Week in months. Now is as good a time as ever to throw one out there so without any further procrastination:

Several conversations I had during my weekend stay in Atlanta were about meaning...the meaning of life, what really matters, why do I do what I do, could or should I be doing something else, etc., etc. If this current economy (and all the other daily madness) has had any positive effect on the microcosm, it has been to cause people to stop (be stopped) in their tracks, or at least slow down (be slowed down) a bit, and look inward. On my way back to NYC, I read a cover story in USA Today about how older white males are hurt more by this recession. But it didn't end before showcasing how many of these men are reinventing themselves.

People are going back to school, many people are tapping into their creative talents with a jackhammer (I'm raising my hand, right now), some are looking to be more of service to others, and still more are simply trying to put food on the table and keep their shirts on their backs. If you haven't had one of these conversations I encourage you to indulge in one with your friends, spouses or coworkers. What might begin as a depressing exercise can definitely become enlightening and empowering.

Besides the obvious paycheck...

• What Matters Most To You?
• Has This Economy Created New Goals/Priorities For You?
• If You Want To Make A Change, Are You Doing Anything About It?
• If You Are A Spouse Or A Parent Are You Conflicted Because of Your Individual Wants?

Answer one, or answer them all. It's up to you. I just hope it gets you thinking and working.


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Ordinary People - John Legend

I ran across a funny quote last week. I don't recall who said it but the gist was: "Most average people think they aren't."

The reason they probably don't is because who wants to wake up and face the day believing they're average? Especially in our society where the term average has come to be associated with marginal. 9 is the average size for men's shoes. 65 is the average age most Americans die. Households average 2.5 kids. But to actually be average? You might as well not get out of bed.

In the workplace and in society no one is rewarded for being average even though the average everyday person who anonymously clocks a 9-5 each day is what makes the world go round. Lebron James is all over the media now for having an "average" moment: he got pissed off after losing and walked off the court. Unsportsmanlike? Definitely. A very human effort to avoid saying or doing something he'd really live to regret? Most likely. Believing he was more than what he actually was (a 1-man basketball team) because his yes-men, Nike, Vitamin Water, the NBA and the world told him so? Yup. That's about as average a reaction you can get from a human being. And as the Bible says, "Pride precedes the fall." But because he's not your average ball handler (he's actually the closest thing to Jordan I've seen) the world (or at least us Americans) expects more. That's pretty average too.

Average, not negative.

I am a man who was raised to believe average was unacceptable. Reared by a braniac and extremely handy father, it wasn't even a consideration. I powered through school with straight A's and an occassional B. I wasn't the best athlete, but I was a machine when it came to practicing to be so. I excelled in the creative: piano, writing, acting and even singing (before my voice dropped) but somewhere the average germ got into my system and convinced me that I needed to get a "real job" and all that other stuff was just a hobby. An extracurricular to round out my character.

What a crock of shit. If I could go back in time (Terminator style) I would find me, probably outside my 6th grade locker, and beat myself senseless. Then drag me, kicking and screaming, everywhere I needed to go to get on the right track.

Everyone around me, including myself, with the exception of my mother, had it backwards. But because my mother was "average" in comparison to my father, sadly, I discounted her saying, "Hey baby, why don't you pursue piano as far as you can. You never know..."

"Aww, mom..." was always my response. She saw more in me than I did or even could. This is an average flaw most kids used to suffer. (Nowadays many kids are suped up to believe they are way better than they actually are and have meltdowns when they're smacked with reality.)

Hindsight is always 20/20 and I have no desire to place blame anyone because as far as I know my life isn't over. For some (like my wife) it's easy to know what you want, to be adamant about it and to switch gears --- going left to eventually go straight. The biggest problem I had at my job wasn't with my boss or the place where I worked. It was with the man in the mirror --- the heart versus the mind. I used to get dressed everyday, put on my "face the world" mask and venture out. My soul was disgusted with me for playing out my daily farce and in 2007-2008 waged an incredible war against me. Not because I was being average. But because I wasn't being me.

I'm not crazy, folks. I'm just being honest.

If there is a pejorative that's associated with being average it's taking the you out of the equation to fall in line with what society suggests. Lebron James is basketball, just like Jordan is. Musicians, athletes, politicians, actors (legitimate), the Jack Welch's, the Jobe Paynes (my father) and John Paynes (my artistic uncle - see previous post), and so on of the world are 100% who they are, uncompromisingly. That doesn't mean there wasn't a struggle to get there. It just means they tapped their essence. Are they are above average in the eyes of the world? That's up to some PR machine to decide. Behind the keyboard of my laptop, behind the smiles, behind the kisses I give my wife and kids, behind it all except for my nakedness before my God, this is the cross I bear --- figuring out how to be me, 100%.

How about you?

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Check out the following:

Ross Oscar Knight Photography | Destination Wedding Photographers: Where There is a Challenge There is an Opportunity...

The above blog post falls right in line with the can of worms I opened yesterday. After seeing the photo in the link above I'm now convinced that my wedding photographer (who I had drinks with 4 days ago) is operating on a completely different level of creativity...like Neo did in The Matrix. I come from a family of creative producers, in particular an uncle who was nationally and maybe even internationally renowned for his artwork (sculpting in metal, oil painting and photography), and even my father, although an academic, completely creative in his approaches and a lover of photography himself. I'm really not in the business of sweating people, but I must say, I've never seen a photo like the one in the link above. Maybe I don't browse enough photography magazines or maybe dude is just an awesome talent.

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My first post of the week that doesn't have a pic or a video. Let's see how it goes...

You get what you give.

It's really that simple.

Energy comes from within and manifests in the real world. What does an inventor do? He or she creates a tangible, digestible product in the real world based on a idea birthed (energized) from inside them. And most inventors who aren't quacks (and even the ones who are) live productive lives --- getting what they give.

But what about the rest of us? Almost everyone with a job although currently thankful to be working in this economy hates it because of all that it does to make their lives miserable (myself included). Newsflash: a job is inanimate no matter how many [insert plural expletive here] you work with, work for or have working for you. Or how about the woman who chooses to be a dormat for bad men and then proclaims all men are dogs? Then there's the man who is an overweight, walking-heart-attack waiting-to-happen. He berates his wife for putting on a few extra pounds and is shocked when he finds out she's been cheating on him just as much as he's been cheating on her. Many parents wants their children to be "more productive," but opts to use their berating the child or blaming a teacher, rather than a) talking and working with their child themselves, and b) creating options/solutions for growth and opportunity, such as paying for a tutor. A final example: I've always enjoyed listening to coworkers and strangers alike discussing their frustration with weight loss while chewing on a slice of pizza or a greasy cheeseburger with a side salad made of 3 pieces of lettuce and 1 tomato, and washing it all down with a diet Pepsi.

ManyMost of us want the world, but are only willing to give the change along with the lint in our pockets to acquire it. Then we slam life as not being fair when we don't get our way. We've become a nation of people who don't save for the things we want --- who don't actually pay for anything anymore. Instead we hope some financial institution will give us credit (and unless you're under a rock, you know where that's gotten us as a nation). We laud athletes for the skill and strength they have, but why? Skill aside, these people work out and practice their sport for a living. It only makes sense that they excel. Even the grotesque exceptions: the Jordans (Michael) of the world. They defy description and the things they've done seem inhuman to us mere mortals. But would we feel this way if we spent nearly every waking moment of our lives dedicating ourselves to that "thing" we are good at and/or must do?

This isn't foolproof of course because we live in this little construct called life. And sometimes, life really just ain't fair --- no matter how hard you work, no matter how much you pray. (I always put my cart away when I go grocery/Target shopping and I can't tell you how many times I've walked out to my truck to find a cart pushed up against it.) And often it does take two or more to make things work. But it only takes you to know in your heart you're giving your all. Outside of this and unforeseeable incidents (both good and bad) more times that not, we are ultimately at the center of what does and doesn't happen in our individual lives due to our thoughts and our deeds --- for better or worse.

• Are you getting what you give (directly or indirectly) in/at/to your: relationship (physical/spiritual), job, family, spouse, finances, health, dreams, etc.?
• If not, do you believe you could or should be giving more to achieve the results you want?
• Or, are you getting EXACTLY what you're giving (a whole lot, or a whole lot of nothing)?

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It's February and most people I know have pissed away their New Year's Resolutions.After this Monday's post about my new piece over at MochaManual.com, a friend sent me a congratulatory email saying the following:

"I am happy to see that your writing has really taken off. Congrats on the new spot. Confucius said: 'A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.' You are past the first step and have hit your stride. I wish you continued blessings doing what you love so that [you will not have to work all the days of your life.] More than that your children will know the importance of not just following, but living their dreams.

Peace and Blessings..."

Nearly everything follows this order when it comes to us humans. My being a pontificating father of a thirteen year old and a three year old began with one step (0bviously) then many more successive ones. The same goes for being a husband, a son, and even being African American (not that I had a choice on this one - or would have it any other way). Not all of my steps were sure steps, nor will all of the ones from this point. There's no manual on this stuff. The same goes for my writing. If someone had told me ten years ago, that it would take at least ten years for me to "hit my stride" with my writing: 1) I would've laughed in their face; and 2) had I believed them, I never would've gone past GO.

But that's just how this life is, a collection of steps --- a cumulative journey --- a trip along a set of tracks. The results along the way can bear tasty (and lucrative) fruit, but the path is where the real treasure lies.

Following yesterday's post about remaining financially afloat, I believe now is as good a time as any to go after your dreams - to get unstuck from GO. After the 9/11 attacks almost no one was flying. But a friend of mine who decided to take the risk, played the field and crisscrossed the country for no more than $25 a flight and stayed in 5-star hotels for pennies. The same applies for now. I can't tell you how to do it because your path is yours for you and you alone to sort out. But first and foremost do you have the guts to make a move (even with kids) past GO?

Well...do you?

Will you?

And so it is Friday once again. After a one-day break from the Internet after an acute case of information overload (it happens), I'd like to wish everyone a happy and prosperous Friday that flows well into the weekend.

A week ago today I was headed home to my uncle's funeral. I was way above the clouds and caught the sun spreading out across the horizon. It put me in complete awe of God's world that I've had the pleasure of living in for a few years.



With the continual recession, the tanking economy, the politics of the Stimulus Package, increasing unemployment, cars rusting away on dealer lots, and seemingly every city and state going to Hell, I have to say my thoughts are hardly on any of this. My head is in the clouds today just as it literally was last week. I'm focused on God, my family and being prospered in mind, body and spirit (and my pocket too).

Happy Friday, y'all!