The roads were clear this morning. There's barely anyone in my office. There's talk of Easter in the air. And it took me half of the ride to my daughter's school for me to realize today is Good Friday.

When I mentioned this aloud to myself in the car my daughter asked, "What is Good Friday?"

I felt terrible as I answered, "The day Jesus died."

Last week we were away at Disney and the weekend before that I attended church alone. This evening my son will be working until closing time at his new job and I expect the highlight of my evening to be my picking him up. I'm not suggesting that my family and I should be piously perched somewhere, mournful. But at least as a child, I knew the significance of the day. My mother wouldn't stand for anything less and we colored eggs and did Easter egg hunts back then too (it wasn't only about church). Fast forward twenty some odd years later and my kids are both in school and oblivious other than pre-Easter sales and Cadbury Bunny commercials.

Then later this morning as I settled into work I read an article about Dr. Ben Carson standing his ground and speaking on his faith. Whether he is right or wrong, he spoke on and will not back down from what he believes. Nowadays when people do this, especially when their sentiments go against the status quo --- something that happened often in Biblical times --- they people are persecuted. Just as they were in Biblical times (albeit it mostly by social media).

Today is Good Friday and my family is barely aware. Based on my beliefs the onus for this error lays squarely at my feet. The trick of guilt or regret is to keep you locked on your mistakes, paralyzing you, so you'll never be correct, mostly because you'll never try again.

I don't intend to be that dude. In your homes I hope you don't either.

If you are able, have a blessed Good Friday.

---

Thoughts? Please, let me know in the Facebook or Disqus comment sections below.

This post is especially meaningful considering that the pastor of the church I attend spoke on this this past weekend.

Now that I am thoroughly settled into my home, thoroughly ingraining myself in my community and doing my best to do my best on my new social media gig at one of the largest companies in the world (no pressure), I have begun to sift and sort through my stuff...

Garbage out...

Once I hit adulthood I began to collect a record of my happenings --- ticket stubs from great concerts, pictures with the handful of famous people I'd bump into on the streets of New York, my documented experiences and paraphernalia from my fraternity, Alpha Phi Alpha, Playbills from famous Broadway plays. My thought behind doing this is that should I suddenly cease to exist on this planet, as is often the case with humans, particularly African American males, those I leave behind would be able to sort through my stuff and piece together the life I've lived --- who I was and where I've been. There are journals that spell out in great detail my goals, aspirations and dreams. In the midst of my stuff anyone looking will find my heart.

This past Sunday while exiting a Krispy Kreme (an after-church ritual here at Casa de Payne) my daughter noticed an ad for a doughnut that said something like,"Now, I know what love looks like!" She read it aloud and immediately remarked, "You can't see love, you do love!"

Ain't that the truth.

Photos courtesy of OMG Booth

Happy Valentines Day! Occupy Love. Do Love...

---

Thanks for reading! To learn more about me, you can read my story. Follow me on Twitter @EPayneTheDad

After being yelled at in the morning for the umpteenth time for reasons that clearly must have been valid enough for it to be done in front of my sixteen year old son and my five year old daughter my daughter asked
the following question:

"Daddy, why are you and mommy not nice to each other."

It's not often that I get into matters of religion in this space. I save that for conversations with my mother, my family, select friends and a pastor who personally counsels me from time to time. But I will today.

I grew up saying my blessing/grace before every meal. My father led the prayer and if he wasn't around then my mother did. I have been saying the same 3-sentence grace since learning it and I have in turn taught it to my family. My wife says it, my son says it and my daughter follows along mouthing it with the intention of being able to say it on her own very soon.

Then she (babygirl) decided to throw us a curveball.

"Daddy, Daddy! I have a blessing I want to say," she announced before dinner not too long ago.

"Sure go ahead." We all waited for her to stop giggling and she said:

"Dear God, we love you. Thank you for this food. Amen."

My wife loved it and clapped for our daughter. My son loved it as well as it shortened the usual grace by about 45 seconds and allowed him to bury his face in his plate that much quicker. I thought it was cute, but like a Pharisee was skeptical of the "meat and potatoes" of the blessing. Regardless, we've been alternating between hers and "ours" ever since.

Just yesterday it hit me like a bag of bricks: My daughter begins her grace by saying "We love you." I've never said that --- not even once before giving thanks and asking that my meal, anything from a hamburger to a salmon fillet, give me wisdom, health and strength. My little one is giving praise and then thanks. Her little "2-sentence" blessing is more potent than the most long and drawn out "sermons" at the table. It has more meat and potatoes than any I've ever heard to date.

Out of the mouths of babes. She is so ahead of the curve.

Photo Source

E.Payne is the author of Investing In An Emotional Letdown and I Didn't Invented Sex. For the past 3 years he has posted 600+ articles about fatherhood, marriage and everything in between here at Makes Me Wanna Holler.com. To learn more, click here.

Sometimes I wish this blog was simply a notepad so I could really speak on it. For the sake of others I hold back and sometimes diminish the full therapeutic possibilities that I'm sure this experience has the potential to bring...

But then I might not be so motivated to write if I knew I was the only one reading...

Coming into 2010, I wasn't prepared for what was in store for me. It was by far the worst year of my life and it is one that I hope to never cross paths with again. But if I do, hopefully I will know how to deal.

In 2010 I became the villain.

I was ridiculed on Facebook.
I was insulted via text messaging.
I was on the lips and tongues of people who don't know me, nor do I know them.
I was mocked and vilified for my beliefs.
I was castigated for being me.
I was cursed and hated and blamed for everything. Then branded a helpless and less than respectable fool who's only talent is to play the role of the dramatic martyr.
Nearly every word I spoke was twisted into something I didn't actually say.
I spent many days stating, "That's not true."
I spent many more looking in the mirror and asking, "Well, is that true?"
I put one cheek forth only for it to get slapped. Turned the other one forward and it got slapped too.
I begged God for help and got deafening silence for a very long time.
I stopped speaking to nearly everyone I know.
I needlessly shuttered the doors on friendships because I had no idea who my friends actually were.
I became paranoid, not knowing who to trust and not wanting to trust anyone.
Finally I got strong in Him and thankfully let go of it all as best I could.

This isn't to say that I didn't play a role in any of the above. There are always three sides to every story.

While all of this was going on, I learned how to box --- a little. Besides losing a little weight, boxing enhanced my reflexes, taught me to understand my opponents movements, to anticipate where the next blow might be coming from and how to strike with pinpoint accuracy. The boxer's goal is to not get hit, wear out his (or her) opponent, expose their weaknesses and ultimately win, preferably by knocking them out.

The teachings in the ring began to spill out into my life. I began to prance and dance, jab, weave and slip. I studied and began to recognize my opponents movements. They were brazen and sloppy, uncoordinated, filled with boasting and pride, vicious but most importantly, telegraphed.

And after being made to feel as if I was the villain for a better part of the year, I finally decided to become that which I had been called and found myself savoring it. I used my pain over the mess that my life had become as fuel. Maybe it was like the Art of War, though I've never read that book. Maybe I simply began to grow strong by using my opponents weaknesses to my advantage. My opponent quickly became my prey and I began to circle, like the wolf or the serpent, all the while allowing myself to remain being perceived as the less than respectable fool.

I began to see red...blood was in the water. I was ready to strike and make sure my opponent didn't get back up.

But then during a particular thorny session I decided to share all this with my marriage counselor...

"But Eric," he said to me. "There's no turning back from what you're talking about. This isn't some enemy you're talking about. This is your wife. No one will win. Regardless of what is happening right now and I know it hurts...with love you can turn this around. I promise you."

And just like that he cast out the villain (another name may come to mind for some of you reading this). The villain retreated and left me, the broken Man, the proud but doubting Dad and the unsure and quite possibly unloved Husband, behind to put the broken pieces back together. But unlike the movies where the enemy has been routed and the sun shines on all, to this very day challenges continue to erupt around me. I have no closure on this year, no epitaph for the insanity so the pain revisits often. Temptation frequents in its attempts to make me a real villain. I'm in an unfamiliar land and self-doubt comes to me every morning at 3 am, snatching me from sleep and keeping me up sometimes until dawn. This is when I am most prayerful, most humble and most beseeching the presence of the Lord.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, Thou art with me..."

It would be too easy to become that which I was accused of being. I respect myself too much for that. I value life too much to join the ranks of society and assert the grand ME over everything and everyone else. If God gives me the breath to reach 40 I intend to celebrate mid-life, not have a crisis. Besides, my crisis is now. But I'd be remiss to say that I didn't experience several joys along the way.

2010 left my life scattered in pieces, but in seeing the pieces of me I now know how to get them all back to re-purpose myself and re-emerge victorious. Slowly I've been picking them up, piece by piece. When the victory does come it will be over negative thinking, self-doubt, destructive habits, wasted opportunities, nonsensical talk, joy-stealing, hopelessness, hatred and maybe most importantly, fear. Easier said than done. By far I am not a perfect man and I'm often not right at all. But I do know life is meant to be lived to the fullest. I definitely believe in Heaven, but I don't know what waits for me in the hereafter. All I have is right now. Yesterday is too late. It is a foregone conclusion. There is no promise of tomorrow. But beauty and joy abound right now. This can take any and all forms. Seeing a little girl's smile. Watching a boy you call "son" rapidly approach manhood and relate to you as a man. Giving a well deserved hug to a spouse during a moment when they need it much more than you do. Waking up and breathing fresh air into your lungs. Witnessing a pot of dirt grow into a little garden of cherry tomatoes. Whatever your reality may be appreciate all of it, from the little to the majestic. As bad as things may appear to be as long as you have breath in your lungs, you have the ability to find joy in this life. Grab it, hold fast to it, don't let go of it and don't let anyone take it from you.

If there is any gift that I can give to all of you, my loyal, loyal readers, that I am so thankful for, this is it. My words. In black and white. Please live. Please laugh. Please love.

I can't think of a better song that embodies capturing and holding onto the joy of life than this one below. Enjoy!




Lyrics | Robin Thicke - My Life lyrics

Whether your plans leave you alone, with family, with the one you love, at church or curled up in front of the TV. Get it started tonight. Live the dream tonight.

Happy New Year!


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I'm not one for bringing church to Makes Me Wanna Holler, but yesterday I was in this place featured in the clip below, not expecting anything more than a good word to live on for the rest of the week. Instead, I was Impacted in a way I never even thought possible. The words in the clip below freed me and now I look at life much differently than I did just hours before I arrived at church. I am happily anticipating the future.

This is my third installment of my series on fear and all the poisons that come from it. If you have the time and are willing and open to hear something incredible, then please check out the clip below.

I Never Left from Impact Church on Vimeo.

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Photo Credit: Stuant63

I was sitting in church yesterday, not totally paying attention, when I softly spoke the following assertion out loud to no one in particular:

"I'm no longer afraid."

Now the interesting thing about this confession to self is that nothing provoked it and even more interesting...I didn't know I was afraid of anything other than werewolves, Dracula, devil movies, wolves, hyenas, anyone with a gun pointed at me, a pride of lions and unchained pit bulls.

But there I was quietly confessing my fear of everything. And I do mean everything --- of not having enough, of having too much, of making the wrong decision, of acting out in anger, of appearing to be weak, of making a mistake, of living in vain, of being alone, of being lonely, of looking left, of looking right, of the thoughts of others, of stepping out on faith, of stepping out on anything.

In my little circle of friends I used to be known as an almost brazen risk taker and someone I know fell in love with me for my fearlessness. But fear has all but neutralized me and filled me with self-doubt and perpetual wonder of "what if?" and "why?" It has wreaked havoc on my mind putting me in pursuit of making the perfect decision that will merit the perfect outcome. But as we all should know there is no such thing as perfect. And in my pursuit of perfect --- the perfect church, the perfect house, the perfect wedding, the perfect job, the perfect answer, etc. --- I've been unable to make crucial decisions that never required perfection - just action. Now and for some time actually, that someone who fell in love with me is no longer sure I'm who SHE thought I was. And from all outward appearances, I guess I've come across like I'm not too sure either.

Fear Is the Mind-Killer

"Where did the fear begin?" was my first question to myself yesterday after this discovery. Because for all the damage that has been done in my life and the lives of others, it couldn't have possibly started recently. So I thought and thought until an unlikely answer came to me: the news of my daughter's conception.

Sure I handled it like a champ in the end. I even handled it like a champ about a week after I got the news about 3 months in. But when I first first FIRST found out I was going to be a biological father I was scared completely out of my mind. Obviously, I made the decision to move forward and do what I was supposed to do for a whole variety of reasons and here I am today, Man, Dad, Husband. But the seeds of fear were deeply planted and nourished with every approaching uncertainty, took root as my love for my daughter grew, and flourished as my sunfire desire for her and the rest of my family to live a wonderful life took hold of my soul. So all along through every triumph and every tribulation, fear has been there, lurking and jumping at the chance to paralyze me at every turning point, at every decision. It's been there all along seeping from one area of my life and slowly but surely permeating all the rest. Being a full fledged parent and husband along with an unhealthy dose of unemployment has made me fearful instead of making me prudent and cautious and still a little risky. The fear goes deeper still --- back into my childhood, but that story will have to wait until I can truly make sense of it.

Fortunately I've faced and overcome fear before and know how to deal. The mantra (put into action) below has worked wonders for me.

I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when my fear is gone I will turn and face fear's path, and only I will remain.*

*Dune, 1984.

As a parent it is easy to fear. But fear, like faith will bring about and/or attract an outcome --- the worst one. And you can't afford that, neither as man nor woman, with mouths to feed and a spouse to love.

The problem for men lies in fear itself. Men naturally don't believe they fear anything other than cataclysmic stuff. And if they do they trick themselves out of the notion. For the longest I thought I was angry or depressed. And I'll argue that a man would rather be diagnosed psychotic than fearful. It goes against the man-code. Whatever the hell that is. But fear is real and it's not just the stuff that comes up when you're in danger. This type of fear is healthy. It keeps you alive. The fear that just sits with you as you wake and sleep is the kind that really needs to go bye-bye. It will paralyze your mind, body and soul and bring death to you and the people closest to you. In my case, I stopped being able to decide (mind), I gained weight (body) and because of the first two I abandoned my spiritual growth and that of my family's (soul).

No more.

Fear Go Bye-Bye

The easiest way to face your fear, is not the first thing that might come to mind --- confessing or announcing it to someone you love. A confession is great and may do plenty to clear the air but it is only the beginning. The best thing to do is to run up to that thing, situation, whatever it is you are afraid of and simply address it, one step and one day at a time. Stop waiting for the perfect time to take your wife to dinner - just take her and don't think you're gonna be on skid row if she orders Surf & Turf (not to be ordered at every dinner). Stop waiting for a bonus to take a family vacation - just use the money you have - a way will be provided, stop looking for a perfect home - find a home your family can live in and create your community starting right inside your four walls, and so on. Stop thinking you have to be superman in order to be the man you were intended to be. Your partner/spouse's knight in shining armor is a whole lot less shiny than the knight you believe you have to be. More than likely they just love(d) you for your authentic self.

By facing what you fear you'll find that the fear was unwarranted because the situation is non-existent in reality even if it was present in your mind. Enjoy life! Don't be afraid. There is too much to live for to live in fear. Don't be afraid.

Acknowledge your fears. Face your fears. Fight your fears. Watch your fears disappear. Live life.


Stay tuned for more on fear this week as I blog further about absentee father-dom on Wednesday, September 22nd for the No Wedding, No Womb bloggers' initiative.

I am a child of God.
I am my mother's child.
I am my father's determination and single minded pursuit of goals and dreams.
I am my family's sixth or seventh generation hope for the future.
I am one grandma's sweet skinny little hope.
I am another grandma's contradiction of her proposed bleak future.
I am sensitivity personified.
I am indignant.
I am indecisive.
I am meek.
I am humble.
I am arrogant.
I am moody.
I am loving.
I am passionate.
I am questioning.
I am faithful.
I am pious.
I am disrespectful.
I am a hopeless (and sometimes helpless) romantic.
I am peaceful.
I am intense.
I am undefeated (even in defeat).
I am victorious.
I am my wife's Husband.
I am my son's security.
I am my daughter's hero.
I am a Dad.
I am that I am and I am so much more with each new day.
I am a Man.
I am ME!

Correct in yourself that which needs correction. Take correction from those who have your best interests at heart. But NEVER let anyone take away from you all that you or any part of you because it doesn't agree with who they are or any other reason they might provide.

You are you.

Relish, bask and flourish in it! And add your two cents in the comments if you like...

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If I have one shortcoming as a father it's that I don't have my kids parked up in church the way I was. I was in every church play. I went to all my church's youth retreats. I attended Sunday School nearly every Sunday. I was an acolyte. And other than going to McDonald's I did nothing but sit around as working on the Lord's Day was forbidden in my house.

Other than being an acolyte, I hated Sundays.

My personal walk in faith has gone through so many twists and turns and taken me through so many highs and lows of my adult life I don't know where I'd be without it. It has been so intensely personal that I believe that it is actually a fault now. Because although my spirituality is no secret to the people in my life, I often conduct myself as if I'm in a secret society (like a frat) that no one but me can be a part of.

My wife and my wife's family have a much more pragmatic view on church, having a spiritual relationship with God, and religion itself. I, myself make the distinction between these interconnected but very different partners. But after listening and observing them over the years I've deemed it absolutely necessary to keep my thoughts and comments to myself.

And this is where I believe I've gone wrong. It's not that I need to preach from the hilltops (this isn't my gifting anyway). But I could do a much better job as Husband and Father to reign in my own little family to expose them to the possibilities so that they can enter into their own personal exploration as I did. I have a son who is stoic and pragmatic and doesn't fall back on that thing that I used to when I knew I what I was getting ready to do was dead wrong because of some scripture I knew. I did it anyway, but I went into it with the conviction that hopefully no one was watching because of what I knew in my heart --- because of what had been poured into my heart --- because my parents sought to facilitate a foundation for me. So that when I became a man and ideas and hopes began to explode, the floor seemingly dropped out, the sky seemingly fell and friends became enemies, I knew where to go: to my knees in prayer; and I knew what to do: stand strong and tall...in the gap.

I believe that because I pray and because I meditate on the things I want for myself and my family things have a way of coming along to assist. Such as a the set of bibles I received from Zondervan, specifically for kids and teens of African American descent. To be honest with you I balk at the idea of Bibles, the Word of God, being stylized for anyone and not everyone. When I go to church I always see at least three women with bibles for women. I don't get it. But that's just me. I don't have to get it. It's none of my business.

My Holy Bible For African American Children (for kids ages 7-10) sports bright and shiny covers that feature smiling children. The pluses: it comes in the version of your choosing (NIV, KJV, etc.); the text is large and easy to read; there are plenty of illustrations and inserts by esteemed artists of color who put their interpretation on biblical times (just as everyone else does); and the pages are pretty durable. The minuses: the book is huge and though I prefer the look and feel of a real book to today's new infantry of electronic books, I personally can't lug around a big clunky bible. My bible (which is currently missing) is slim and sleek, leather-bound with a magnetic flap to keep it safe from bent or torn pages. But the print is microscopic and you can practically see through the paper it's so thin.

Our Heritage Our Faith: Holy Bible For African American Teens is definitely mature and aimed at the tween and teenage set. The good: It's leather-bound and duo-tone with a funky alligator skin embossed surface. The text is smaller and the pages are thinner. The expectation here is that the own will take care of this book. It has photographs, notes and articles interspersed throughout and features a great section at the end which asks and answers the most if not all of the questions a teenage mind might have about Christianity, God, religions and fellowship. The bad: The book is not for boys. On it's face the cover's duo-tone is deep pink and rich lavender. And the box art only has teenage girls on it. The only kind of male who will even glance at this is a father looking to buy a bible for his daughter. No boy will ever consider it regardless of what's contained inside.

The Old Leave Out On The Table Test: I left the bibles out on the coffee table in my living room. My daughter was immediately drawn to the photo art on the kids bible and like the drawings inside. She let me read to her a little bit at bed time, but lost interest quickly because there were no pictures to go along with the words I was reading. My teen noticed the kids one too, completely ignoring the pink book sitting next to it. He began leafing through the pages and asking me questions. A discussion ensued that left me relieved to know that maybe it isn't to late for me to facilitate pouring a few things into his heart.

I'd love to hear your stories (struggles, triumphs, day-to-day) of how you (male or female) instill your values in your household.

Please visit my Facebook Page where I will be giving away 2 of the bibles discussed here.

Disclosure: I received three (3) bibles from Zondervan Publishing for the purpose of reviewing them. MMWH.com was not compensated financially in any way for this review.


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When I was 19 years old, I pledged Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity, Inc. at Cornell University. In addition to all the clandestine-half-fiction-half-reality stuff I had to do, I also had to be able to rattle off, with military precision and intensity, a full catalog of poems, statements and greetings at a moments notice. To this day I can still rattle off nearly everything without error. How's that for negative reinforcement?

While surfing the net I happened across one of the most meaningful poems I had to remember. It is absolutely scary how these words are apply no matter the time or era man (and woman) might find himself in. And they are especially cogent in these times. And they especially make sense at work, at home, with the wife, with the kids, with your dreams etc., etc.


IF
by Sir Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

It doesn't get any more Man, Dad and Husband than this.

Related Link: Frat Life

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Kryptonite comes in more forms than an imaginary radioactive green rock from outer space.

Last week, I thoughtlessly shot the following piece of footage. When I watched it I was taken aback by my honesty and how I conveyed it. And since I'm all about the real, here's the deal (that rhymed)...

Being a father isn't always rosy. I receive a lot of emails from people thanking me for the inspiration I provide. Sometimes, a message can be conveyed without waxing eloquent. Sometimes, it's just raw emotion --- raggedy, honest humanity that is the best teacher. I'm a man, dad, and husband and I have to make sacrifices because of the dad, husband part. I don't always it. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that, even as a dad and a husband. I think it's human. So if you're a dad/parent don't beat yourself up too much for having natural feelings that don't jive with your position. Just don't let those feelings prevent you from doing what needs to be done in the lives of your children.




Stay tuned...

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A little while ago a friend sent me the following in an email. At first, I was caught off guard because he's not the religious type. But you don't have to be (or Christian for that matter) in order to get the gist of this. But praise Him all the same.



























We complain about the cross we bear but don't realize it is preparing us for the dip in the road that we cannot see.


Happy Monday! Make it a great week!




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