My big boy is Back to School and halfway through his first week of classes. I'm not talking about bright shining faces and new backpacks back-to-school. Rather, rented minivan filled with boxes and clothes and hundreds of dollars in textbooks back-to-school. Not to mention that pesky tuition bill I'm paying via the grace of God and starting a 529 Plan for him nine years ago. 

With everything that's currently going on in our nation, but even if we lived in a utopia, I couldn't be a prouder dad.

Meet Ross and watch his testimony on what it means to be a father.

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I've been pretty quiet on the blog as of late. Life has truly gotten in the way. But I make no apologies because my life informs this blog. And I've been going through A LOT of life as of late. The beauty of social media platforms like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and even Google+ is that they allow you to document life events on the fly. If you do it often enough over a short window of time you will see a storyline emerge. To tell what I've recently been through as one fluid piece with every single detail is to write a novel, or at the very least a novella. What follows is my summarized documentation of one of the most important experiences in my life as a father --- seeing my son off for his freshman year of college:

Friday, August 9

Please forgive the silence but this dad and husband is up to his eyeballs in it: a son heading to college for his freshman year, a daughter who just started going back to school, visits home to check on aging parents, an increasing role at work, landing a speaking engagement, working to be as transparent as possible as a husband, staying in shape, car issues...this should all sound familiar and I don't want a cookie I'm just asking for your patience with the silence on this page and the blog. Stay tuned things will be back to normal soon. THANKS!

Wednesday, August 14

Spending a lot of time reflecting and praying as I hit the road tomorrow with my family to drop my son off to school for his freshman year of college. At first I was excited for the change, but today it hit me like a bag of bricks that as of next week my house is going to be missing one oh so essential person.

Thursday, August 15

Update #1:

And away we go!

Update #2:

Earlier today in the rented minivan before hitting the road for college! Now sitting on Canal Street in New Orleans eating apple pie a la mode and chatting up with the soon to be son/man/friend.

Friday, August 16

Been up since 5:30 am for the son's 8am dorm check-in. Set up the room. Met the roomie. Bought books and souvenirs and headed back later to network. My feet hurt and I've only had one beignet as food for the day. It's time to eat.






















Saturday, August 17

Update #1:

Yesterday's move-in day to the freshman dorm went off without a hitch. The welcome committee cheered us on and helped carry the boy's stuff to his room. We met his roommate and his parents, bought books and lots of souvenirs and snacks. We networked with some administrators and I even bumped into a college classmate of mine who is dropping off her child for her freshman year also. The day went so well my son decided to stay on campus last night. That was tough. But it's a part of growing up --- for him and me.

Update #2:

‪#‎Xavier‬, ‪#‎xula‬, freshman family weekend, I never thought this day would come, not because it couldn't but I just was incapable of understanding what it would look or feel like. I realize that my love and pride for my son runs much deeper than I thought it did. 'nuf said. Gushing over.





Monday, August 19 (3:30am)

I am finally home after a long, long drive from Louisiana. I thought "goodbye" was going to be tearful or maybe even tragic. Goodbye, as in "see you at Thanksgiving, son." But it was business as usual with my newly minted college Freshman. Silly pictures, ridiculous sarcasm and lots of laughs. Sure the emptiness comes and goes in powerful waves. The wondering if I did enough. The hope that I did and the doubt that I didn't. And the emptiness that is in his room in our home. Going into the weekend I was sad. But now I am happy and inspired. Happy for my son and all the opportunity that lies before him and happy to be able to give him as a gift to the world. I am inspired to be all that I can be and even more as a father to him in this new phase of his life.



There was a time when I didn't believe I'd live to see 21 thanks to the people dying around me and now twenty years later I have a son in college. I hope and pray his light shines brighter and longer and better than mine ever will. I am so humbled, so thankful and so filled with praise for the Most High. May His many blessings continue to pour out on all of us trying to raise our kids during such turbulent and high-priced times.

In the subsequent days, all I've had is a smile on my face and a fondness in my heart for the once shoeless boy, the up and coming man I am so so proud to call my son.

---

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Every so often I'll catch glimpse of it. In my iPhone, in a window and often times at night. I look at it and don't understand it, where it came from, why it exists, who it is and why is it attached to me. It's my face staring back at me asking the same question, maybe for the same reasons. How did I get here? Yesterday I was graduating high school and as lost about life as I wanted to be. Now I'm providing guidance to...children of all people. And I'm viewed a positive and strong. Which, for me on some days, is just outrageously laughable. But maybe this is what the parenting game is all about, often wondering if you're good enough and chasing this pursuit perpetually.

I sit here typing these words understanding that I have no choice in this "growing up" and all the attachments of responsibility that came with it. I guess some people choose not to even when they bring kids into the world, but that was never going to happen with me. I've embraced it all even when I haven't understood them.

There has been an incredible amount of anticipation and tension for one of the culminating moments in our lives as a family --- my son's graduation from high school. I'd been repairing the house and painting it for weeks for the twelve family members who were coming to stay with us. I've been so busy that I haven't blogged in weeks. What's worse, I didn't even have any ideas of what to blog about and worse than that, I didn't care. The twelve arrived and then some more. Then my kitchen sink sprang a leak once everyone was here. I called the plumber but he never showed (I guess he doesn't like money). I finally discovered the leak on my own but not before water began pooling in my garage from two days worth of repeatedly flooding the cabinet beneath the sink. With a wife who is a serious cook and so many people around, there was no way we were not going to be able to use it. In the end I wound up replacing the whole faucet with my father after almost everyone left.

Rounding out the year always causes us in the digital space to reflect on "The Best Ofs"...our best posts, our top trends, etc.

I'm a dad who's got a son who will soon be off to college. As he enters his last lap in high school I'm finding myself talking to him more and more in an attempt to prep him for what lies ahead. So much so I had to stop one day and say,

"Wait a minute! My dad never did this with me."

I talked it over with a friend, a fellow dad and fraternity brother, and his comment was brutal and simple:

"Your dad is old school. They just didn't do that."

Ain't that the truth! The expectation that I would just "get it" because he did, because he was a product of the Great Depression and the Civil Rights. Succeeding wasn't an option for his generation. If you didn't succeed, you perished. I'm a 2012 Dad. I can't and won't assume that my son knows some of life's greater and/or more subtle lessons without my at least asking if he knows.

I found this infographic published by 7 Epic Days that speaks to how similar and dissimilar dads of today are from our dads and their fathers as well. After you look at it, let me know your thoughts in the comments below.

Modern Day Dads vs. Their 1965 Counterparts

Despite all the positive speak I put out here and on my blog it was about a week ago I was ready to quit, EVERYTHING. But I decided to move through it because I actually don't know how to quit. Something in my brain (or maybe my heart?), similar to an override that I can't control, simply won't allow it --- forcing me to move/persevere/endure even when I don't believe I want to.

I made it to Sunday where I received a powerful Word at church. The best way for me to sum it up is this:

Things get toughest in the middle of your journey. You can barely remember what drove you to start and even if you know what the end-reward looks like you're no longer sure it's worth the battle, the misery, the pain. It just isn't fun anymore. It is in the middle where you are most vulnerable. In a race, it's in the middle when you begin to psych yourself out. When people quit, they quit in the middle having no idea how close they may have been to the end.

Keep pressing through the outside hate and work on despite of the inside doubt. I promise I'll be right there with you doing the same. It may not be today or even tomorrow, but your time is coming.

---

Thanks for reading! Follow me on Twitter at @EPayneTheDad.

Two days ago around 2 am I walked right into my son's room. The lights were on, he was wearing a scully (winter cap) and talking on the phone. He popped up, shocked and said, "Oh, I have a cramp in my leg and couldn't sleep."

Me: *Blank Stare* Then I said, "Shut it down and go to bed."

I breathed a sigh of relief that that was all he was doing. Gone are the days of jumping on the hardline and screaming at both children for being on the phone in the middle of the night. Or listening with your hand over the mouthpiece so they can't hear you breathing.

That gosh-darn iPhone circumvents parental controls. Looks like I'm going to have to turn off the circuit breaker at bedtime.

---

Thanks for reading! To learn more about me, you can read my story.

This is my daughter attending an awards ceremony for a piece of art she created. Bright. Focused. Driven. Poised.



and........this is my son.

When it cones to surprises My father is just as much a Chatty Cathy as my daughter. The difference is my daughter is almost six. My father is pushing eighty.

For Christmas this year he went above and beyond just adding to the check my mother puts in the customary cards she puts in the mail to me. He potentially got me something BIG, not in size but value. And it's value to me could prove to be priceless.

I yelled for him to stop talking and begged him not to send it --- whatever it is. In my head I heard myself saying I don't deserve anything except for that which I earn on my own. My parents have been there for us during the rough patches of our transition out of NYC to ATL so how could I accept anything from them? I simply don't deserve it.

Or do I?

A few weeks ago I got a call in the afternoon from my wife. She was enraged. The fact that she was upset wasn't too much of a surprise. As I scrambled to figure out what I did she told me it was our son. Again, I wasn't too surprised. It was the why that made all the difference in the world.

He got picked up for truancy...

Father & Son, Homer & Bart Simpson

"We can do this the easy way or the hard way..."

This line has been spoken in countless guy/action movies. The statement conveys the obvious: Choose the path of least resistance or choose otherwise and suffer. It is a threat issued with civility. We all watch sitting on the edge of our seats knowing that when threatened the good guy or bad guy will always choose the hard way. Our heart races as we watch the good guy prevail or the bad guy go down...

This IS NOT a review...

Growing up I was the dishwasher. This meant I washed and dried the dishes. My parents put the dishes away until I was tall and strong enough to do so myself. This among several other chores was what I did to "earn my keep" at Casa de Payne - Chi-Town. Via this experience I learned what a clean plate and cup truly is: it sparkles, it squeaks upon being touched and it doesn't streak unless your hands are dirty. Automatic dishwashers were out back then, but why get one when you had a living one under your roof?

I owned my first automatic dishwasher at the age of 35. I ordered it from Best Buy and had it installed in the kitchen of a home I was flipping (back when homes could be flipped). It was beautiful. I only used it once: I turned it on to make sure it worked.

This morning during a lighthearted conversation with my teen about kitchen cleanliness my teen told me he didn't have to heed what I had to say.

"I'm not going to be a waiter," he told me.

I urged him to be careful of his words, telling him that once you begin to speak on what you won't do, life will sometimes humble you (slap you) to a place where you wind up doing exactly what you proclaimed you wouldn't.

The boy shot me a casual glance and told me I was old.


I'm the author of DAD: As Easy As A, B, C! - 26 Dos & Don'ts for Fathers. Click here for my story and the origin of Makes Me Wanna Holler. Do you Tweet? Follow EPayneTheDad on Twitter. Live on Facebook? Like Makes Me Wanna Holler on Facebook.

Becoming a father is EASY. Elevating your experience to that of DAD is something else entirely.



It isn't easy and sometimes it might not even be considered enjoyable, but it isn't written anywhere that it should be. But no matter what, for the sake of your family and our collective communities at large, it's 100% worth it. Dig in! Stay in!

DAD: As Easy As A, B, C! will be hitting Amazon.com Kindle store on Tuesday, June 21st. In the meantime please enjoy the first 25 pages posted below.

Thank you and Happy Father's Day!!!

DAD: As Easy As A, B, C!

E.Payne is the author of the soon to be released DAD: As Easy As A, B, C! and I Didn't Invented Sex. For the past 3 years he has posted 600+ articles about fatherhood, marriage and everything in between here at Makes Me Wanna Holler.com. To learn more, click here.

This falls under both AP Manhood and Manhood 101. Any man who doesn't believe he needs to respect or honor women as he does himself is a fool. Whether this means giving your seat to a pregnant woman on the train or bus. Helping an elderly woman (if she wants it) across the street or down the hall, holding doors open for a woman walking in front of you or behind you as you enter a building, opening car doors, pulling out her seat at dinner, bending down to pick something up that a woman dropped or at the very least letting her know she dropped it, saying "Please" and "Thank you" when making a request and receiving it from a woman...the list is endless and should be adhered to in all but the most extreme cases. In in these situations all you can do is pray.

Believe what you want, but women are our mothers, wives, sisters, daughters, cousins, aunts, teachers, nurses, pastors, etc. For the man out there not giving a flying you know what about women I pose the question: how would you feel if someone was doing the same to any of the women in your life defined at the beginning of this paragraph?

As my little daughter says, "Girls rock!" Damn what a rapper says in front of a catchy beat or some high pitched young'n sings on today's top R&B singles. Chivalry ain't dead, just the thinking of those who believe otherwise.

This is AP Manhood.


E.Payne is the author of Investing In An Emotional Letdown and I Didn't Invented Sex. For the past 3 years he has posted 600+ articles about fatherhood, marriage and everything in between here at Makes Me Wanna Holler.com. To learn more, click here.

Photo Courtesy Eric Payne. All Rights Reserved.

None of us truly knows what lies ahead in the distance. For all that we are capable of we cannot predict or see the future. As a result, the unknown can be a place of great fear. This fear can be so great that it often paralyzes or gives rise to bad if not dumb decisions. But this doesn't have to be the case. The man who thrives despite the unknown is the one lives in the present confidently enjoying and positively exploiting as much as possible, fully aware that in his Present he is laying the foundation for his Future and the futures of those affected by him.

This is AP Manhood.

E.Payne is the author of Investing In An Emotional Letdown and I Didn't Invented Sex. For the past 3 years he has posted 600+ articles about fatherhood, marriage and everything in between here at Makes Me Wanna Holler.com. To learn more, click here.

Those of us who have reached a state of AP Manhood either by choice or circumstance know, understand and embrace the reality that in order to function and function effectively one must have his house in order. In other words, the man who thrives is the one who has his affairs in order. Affairs are inclusive of all of the required pieces of the puzzle --- from finances to having the necessary tools to succeed (whatever success is for you). In much simpler terms, a man shouldn't make the mistake of talking about that house on the hill that he wants if he's drowning in debt and doesn't have a plan in place that will help him to rise above his circumstances.

Anything that is out of order in your life will be a contributing factor for why you aren't the fully realized man that you envision yourself to be. Whether this is fast and loose spending with no accounting, not going to the doctor when you know something is wrong, bad habits such as too much time at the bar or strip club, or the company you keep --- homies who are helping you go nowhere or that woman who is killing you softly, loudly or slowly, or simply driving you insane.

Take time to assess Project You. Take out a pen and pad and write down what is working and what isn't. If you have a close friend, talk to them about it and get their two cents. Look at your notes and decide if what you've written down is going to get you where you want to be. If so, then stop reading right now. If not, then get your house in order, get rid of the B.S. and get right with yourself, your family, your God (if this is your belief system). And if you can't do it yourself, set aside some of that money you normally burn (no matter how little money you might be making we all burn a portion of our incomes) and pay someone who knows how to whip you into shape.

It ain't easy so don't take my tough talk as dismissive and detached. But it can and must be done if thriving vs. surviving is your objective.

This is AP Manhood.


E.Payne is the author of Investing In An Emotional Letdown and I Didn't Invented Sex. For the past 3 years he has posted 600+ articles about fatherhood, marriage and everything in between here at Makes Me Wanna Holler.com. To learn more, click here.

Happy Friday! Sorry I've been away for most of this week. I've been busy on the homestead. Today's lecture begins now!

In today’s times with the economic crunchcrush being what it is your average citizen at every turn, the logical thinking is to plunge 100% into the self. Meaning no one has the time or resources to be about anything but keeping their own heads above water. Or do they?

As many readers here know, I am a HUGE advocate of volunteerism. Volunteerism allows you to take the focus off of you by sharing a piece of yourself with someone else who could really use a hand. Volunteerism isn’t about writing a check once a month to a charity you get a end of the year tax break on, volunteerism is about seeking out a cause that means something to you, finding something or someone who could benefit from your time, talent, intellect and in some instances strength. And I would encourage you to do it more than once. If you’re schedule doesn’t allow for a weekly volunteer effort than at least do your best to commit to once a month.

Whether it’s being a Big Brother, a tutor, a mentor, a food distribution warehouse worker, an usher at your church, a volunteer gardener, a campaign manager for a political campaign or even seeing a need and taking the initiative to create something to address it yourself. You’ll be surprised at how many different ways your skills, talents and strengths are appreciated by others, and you may even discover you might not be as bad off as you originally thought, thus restructuring your world view of yourself and causing you to walk a little taller, with a little more confidence knowing you’ve done some good for someone other than yourself. Your life will be a little to a lot richer. Maybe not in dollars, but in value.

A man living an Advanced Placement existence knows that his life isn’t just about him.



E.Payne is the author of Investing In An Emotional Letdown and I Didn't Invented Sex. For the past 3 years he has posted 600+ articles about fatherhood, marriage and everything in between here at Makes Me Wanna Holler.com. To learn more, click here.

Most if not all of you probably don't know that I've been home alone for the past 16 days. By Sunday it will be 18. Not literally sitting in my home by myself, but on the last day of March my wife boarded a plane headed for the Middle East and Europe for her Business School Externship.

While she's been gone I've:

• been to the DMV 3 times.
• been to traffic court where I was treated like a felon for an expired registration.
• traversed most of Georgia at least 8 times taking my son to basketball games.
• registered my daughter for multiple Kindergartens.
• had 2 job interviews.
• worked out nearly every day and lost 12 pound in the process.
• kept the kids comforted during a power outage.
• spit shined my home to museum standards.
• made 4 trips to a body shop making sure my wife's car was fixed properly (she was in a minor fender bender).
• landed one of the 2 jobs I've interviewed for and waiting to hear back from the other.
• sifted, sorted, shredded and resubmitted more paperwork than any sane man should ever have to.
• worked out at the gym with my son.
• slept an average 3 hours a night.
• set up a tutoring schedule for my son
• volunteered my usual 3 hours per week and added mentoring a young man in writing to my goodwill basket.
• put up new curtains and curtain rods.
  
• gotten both of my children up, dressed, fed and out of the house before 8 am.
• done my daughter's hair almost as well as mom does, including, washing, conditioning, oiling her scalp, detangling her hair (which now is to the small of her back) and braiding it
• taken my daughter bike riding everyday after school and on the weekends as weather permits.
• taken both kids on a picnic.
  
• cooked 5 out of the 7 days of the week.
• arranged 3 playdates with my daughter and her little friends.
• watched Inception 3 times (it wasn't that deep to me - I got it on the first watch).

The only thing I didn't manage to do was actually be in two places at the same time, though I tried. I was quite terrible at it.

Over the years my wife has traveled often but never for this long. And after this trip I will probably seriously insult the next woman who cracks a joke about me being Mr. Mom, or struggling with my kids when Mom isn't around because guess what? None of that is true. But I guess gender discrimination washes both ways.

No I'm not Mr. Mom, or "babysitting" my own damn kids, or frazzled or hanging on by a thread. Have I been tired? Yes. Have I had moments where I've been at wit's end? Definitely! Have I had any time to myself? Mostly after midnight when I can't leave the house and I'm delirious with fatigue. Have I ever once considered that I can't do this? Not even once. But, I don't have any newfound appreciation for what my wife does for two reasons: 1) I've always known the lengths that moms go to without thinking twice; and 2) my wife has never had parent alone and as long as I'm taking in air, she never will.

I'm DAD, doing what I'm supposed to be doing, doing it thanklessly, doing it because I love my kids, doing it because I was ordained to do so, doing it because I'm not a boy, doing it because it's my responsibility, doing it because I love doing it, doing it with my eyes closed, doing it in my sleep, waking up and just doing it, doing it and not thinking twice, doing it and doing it well.

I'm not some dude married to a woman that has my kids and then I "help out". I'm not just the guy who steps up when it's time to drive or pay a bill. I'm DAD in every sense of the word, and maybe even redefined. If my wife's trip showed me anything, it let me know just how far I'm willing to go to see to it that me and mine are taken care of. And how far is that?

As far as the eye can see.

I'm DAD. Period.

Photo Credit: The Welsh Poppy

E.Payne is the author of Investing In An Emotional Letdown and I Didn't Invented Sex. For the past 3 years he has posted 600+ articles about fatherhood, marriage and everything in between here at Makes Me Wanna Holler.com. To learn more, click here.

You might be scratching your heads on this one, but the non-italicized title above doesn't really do justice to the point I intend to make for today's lesson.

Borrowing from the Rich Dad Poor Dad psychology, the non-advanced man or the man who has simply gotten knocked off course a bit asks the question: "How can I...?" when faced with something he may wish to do, have or participate in. His stress is on the I. I meaning his present set of circumstances, skill set, or whatever it may be, that hold him captive in a prison of impossibility and lack.

The Advanced Placement Man when faced with something he may wish to do, have or participate in, asks: "How can I do this is?" In other words, what is it going to take/what do I need to do to accomplish this goal? He acknowledges his present set of circumstances and/or his lacking and is seeking to move beyond this place.

How he might go about doing this is detailed in AP Manhood: No Plan B.



E.Payne is the author of Investing In An Emotional Letdown and I Didn't Invented Sex. For the past 3 years he has posted 600+ articles about fatherhood, marriage and everything in between here at Makes Me Wanna Holler.com. To learn more, click here.