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Saturday

Bye Bye, Backfat! Hello, Boxing Gloves! The Recap...

My sponsored journey with LA Boxing has come to an end. I will definitely continue until I reach my goal of losing 30 pounds. I plan to post my final video sometime during the beginning of next week. In it I will share what I've lost...and what I've gained in the process.

In the meantime how can forget?


THE INTERRUPTION:


THE GROSS OUT:




THE DELIRIUM:



AND THE REST OF THESE VIDEOS:










To keep up with all of my videos relating to me and this blog you can subscribe to the Makes Me Wanna Holler YouTube Channel here.

To read and view all of my posts on Bye Bye, Backfat! Click here.

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Thursday

Facebook Discussion: Week 4, Volume 1, 2010


For the fourth week in a row we have a new discussion going at the Makes Me Wanna Holler Facebook Page. Make sure you head over there and share your views.

We want to hear them.

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Wednesday

Humbly Turning The Page

As of late I've spoken more of generalities than specifics when it comes to my life. A personal blog such as mine can be about any number of things, but being personal is quintessential.

This afternoon I will get in my car and drive, casually dressed to impress, (it's hot!) to an interview for a position I passed on in the past, a position I figured didn't pay enough and might have even considered myself being "above."

Today is a new and beautiful day. Not one of desperation and humiliation, instead a beautiful one filled with humility and grace. One in which I realize that in order for the world to see and experience my value...the world has to see and experience my value. Meaning, I can't sit in my house closed off from the world waiting for what I perceive to be the right opportunity. I need to be in a spirit of receptiveness (as long as it makes sense) to move forward. I anticipate many doors opening from this point forward. My focus has returned to where it belongs (more on this in a subsequent post).

Things may or may not pan out. Who knows? But at least I am humbly and happily moving forward. I'm very happy about that, thank God.

Stay tuned.


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Wordless Wednesday: Footsies!

Footsies! by E.Payne Copyright 2009. All Rights Reserved.
Photos by E.Payne © 2009. All Rights Reserved.



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Monday

Your Value As A Man

american moneyThis is purely my opinion, but I believe a man who works with his hands will always prevail over the man who is cerebral, unless the cerebral man employs the man who works with his hands.

When I first became a casualty of the new economy, as a result of my own actions, I was haughty. I knew my value in the workplace so there was nothing to landing on my feet and peeling out once the rubber hit the road.

Then things went in a direction no one expected. Joblessness surged. Despair exploded.

Right when all the job shedding began, there were plenty of other jobs that were still available and jobs that were recession proof. These jobs by their very nature require more elbow grease and less contemplation. Not that there's anything wrong with that at all. In fact, it may be one of the healthiest ways to be employed.

But when you have a couple of degrees and you see friends being successful (for reasons that have absolutely nothing to do with you so there's no point even bothering to make comparisons) you don't dare do anything "less" than what you are "supposed" to be doing.

These individuals limp along avoiding opportunities left and right.

For a long time I was one of these people.

Now, by no means am I suggesting that you apply to Burger World and work the shake machine. But working at a waiter at a restaurant that has a vacancy might lead to a management position there. What matters is your attitude, your perspective and your willingness to be flexible.

To get a little metaphysical, a little Matix-ish, life is a construct that we all operate within. Those who succeed either know how to work or cheat those rules. Those who meet with frustration are the ones who insist on insisting that life bow down to them. This doesn't include socioeconomic status, opportunity, schooling, etc. I'm simply talking about people like me. Men (and women) who opted to pass on gigs for fear that said gigs wouldn't account for or make the greatest use of their value. And instead went after jobs that the other 35 million fish in the pond were after. "I've got to do for my family." I've said to myself in the past. "I have to make a certain amount." Well, making nothing sucks. Period. God has been peppering me with opportunities here and there, but only recently have I been of the mindset to receive them. Not desperate, but humble.

A while back I reversed course on this thought process and thankfully may be on the verge of a new chapter in my life. But I had to start turning my pages humbly in order to get there. I learned that my value doesn't lie in the style of contribution but in the determination and effort to be a contributor --- to this life as a whole and lives of the people who comprise my family. This determination may open doors that might not seem attractive at first. But in order to succeed for your sake and your family's sake --- you must walk through them. Otherwise you will need to accept that you are a victim of your own actions (or inaction).

Be encouraged, don't lose hope and do something you never thought you'd do. Who knows? You may even manage to learn something about yourself and the world around you.

Happy Monday!

Photo Credit: odtaafiles

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Thursday

To Spank Or Not To Spank? No More Spanking For Me

Don't forget to visit the Facebook Page for this week's Discussion.

As a boy who was spanked, and in my mind, beat, I'm not averse to spankings. Actually getting spanked is one of the lesser punishments you can receive when you have a father like mine who's got a rapid-fire automatic backhand at his disposal.

All of a sudden I'm just not much of a fan of spanking anymore.

About two weeks ago the drive to administer this kind of punishment, even as gingerly as I have done so, just poured out of me like a good sweat. The notion, the desire, the inclination just left me. Poof! Nothing in my immediate presence (such as a child of mine) brought about this change. The inclination just left and suddenly feels unproductive. For some reason I no longer feel like I need to urge my children on with something I wouldn't want someone to do me. I still see kids in the street, at the park or in the grocery store driving their parents up the wall, but gone are my imaginations of ...if that was my child...

I'm all about threatening though. I'm not sure that'll ever leave me. xBoxes, Princess Tiana, Tinkerbell, money I've given, Twinkletoes, dresses, cell phones, iPods, Lids, Fitteds, Nikes, Skechers, bicycles, popsicles, blowpops, headphones, PSPs, friends --- anything I can think of, can and might go flying out the window if these lil' ungrown people in my house don't listen to me! Oh, and I won't think twice about yanking a child down the block or clean off their feet. But that's about it for now.

What do you say/think/feel about the grand old question of To Spank or Not To Spank?


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Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday: Love of New Life

My New Niece: Love


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Do As I Do! Not As I Say!


Photo Credit: E.Hurley

As a parent do you insist that your kids watch their mouths?
But do you curse in front of them while you're telling them that?

As a parent do you tell your kids to share?
Then cut everyone off everyone trying to share the street with you while you drive?

As a parent do you tell your children what god to believe in?
But then never speak of that god and never take them to church?

As a parent do you insist that they do the best job possible at school and in sports?
But then complain at the dinner table that you just "give up" at work?

As a parent do you want the best for your kids?
But then show them in your actions that you're okay with just getting by?

As parents we shouldn't feel like we're on candid camera or that big brother is watching. But guess who is watching? Baby Boy and Baby Girl? They're watching and they're determining what they should do themselves in each and every one of the above situations and so many more. Not based on what you say, but rather WHAT YOU DO.

Watch your back! Watch your front! CYA! Not for your sake. For both your sake and the sakes of your children!



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Friday

Site Updates - Life Updates: 7/16/2010

It has been some kind of week!

  • I left hot as bacon grease Chicago this past Saturday only to land in hot as a fish fry NYC. Then it rained like we were in South America for almost 2 days this week only for it to get fried egg hot again as if we were in the middle of a drought. But oh, how the summer brings out the beauty. You can figure that last one out for yourselves.

  • The LeBron-a-thon has come and gone and other than sports buffs who troll message boards to unload or fight against racist rants, no one really seems to care anymore. THANK GOD!

  • Other than moving my fingers to type this post I am sitting perfectly still, air conditioner on full blast, doused with baby powder (corn starch) trying to stay cool. I had a great workout this morning, but considering the weather and my being improperly hydrated before going...I'm not feeling too good right now.

  • It looks like BP may have finally gotten that cap doohickey right. We'll know by Monday, or not if they keep the results from the media.

  • Life is beautiful and I hope that no matter what woe or drama you might be facing you think so too. If we all carried around a little bit more positivity then maybe we'd all be a little nicer to one another.

  • Don't forget to enter the Despicable Me Contest/Giveaway up on the site. There's some really cool/cute stuff for the kiddies and you yourself get to have fun with the contest rather than tweeting and facebooking and backlinking.

  • If you haven't already (and even if you have) please nominate Makes Me Wanna Holler - Man, Dad, Husband for Best Personal Blog and Best Writing in a Blog over at the 2010 Black Weblog Awards Nominations Page.

  • Going forward, please check the Makes Me Wanna Holler Facebook Page on Wednesdays for a new Discussion topic. So far we've got two up on the board and their going well. If you are logged on to Facebook right now all you have to do is click the "CONVERSATIONS" link at the top of this page to go there.

  • Oh, one more thing: before you Thank God it's Friday and curse your job for being your job remember there are a lot of people out there who can't find work, can't put food on the table and are running out of options and running into desperation. If you have a family, even if you have friends, be thankful that that job you wish you didn't have is providing the means for you to enjoy your life after the hours of 9-5 or whenever you work.

  • Enjoy the weekend. Drink plenty of water and fluids. Stay cool. And dry.

Peace,

E.Payne




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Thursday

Wordless Wednesday: A Moment In Time

Photo by E_Payne © 2010 All Rights Reserved
Originally posted at i see through eyes. Photos by E.Payne © 2010. All Rights Reserved.


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What Is Love? ...An Open Letter

From the Desk of E.Payne...

July 14, 2010

Dear Wanton Wanter of Love,


You want love so bad, you can taste it.

You want love because it is so necessary for your life.

You want love because you deserve it.

But do you even know what love is?

Do you know what it feels, tastes, smells and looks like?

Do you truly understand how patient and kind it is?

Can you fathom the burden of understanding that it must bear?

Do you know that love forgives and forgets all things done against it?

Do you even have the space in your heart required for love?

Do you know that love seeks the best for others

and pays little attention to itself?

Do you know the power of love?

Love ends wars, changes hearts and gives life.

Love raises children, saves lives at the expense of self

and makes Good Samaritans into local heroes.

Love teaches children to grow up to be leaders.

Love guides religious leaders in the right way to lead their flocks.

Love gives hope in the face of unimaginable tragedy.

Love heals wounds...in time...

Love makes the days go by beautifully.

Love is the perfect director of regret-free living.

How is it that you want to receive love when love is given?

If you truly want love, you won't want for it at all.

Instead you'll be ready and full of praise when it comes.

Ready to be nourished by it and nourish in return.

You'll recognize it immediately, because it is already inside of you.


Sincerely,


E.Payne

MakesWannaHoller.com © 2010. All Rights Reserved.


We have a great conversation brewing on our new Discussion page. I say, "our" because it's yours just as much as it is mine. Please stop by and contribute!




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Wednesday

The Superbad. Superdad. Dispicable Me Prize Pack Giveaway

CONTEST IS CLOSED!

If you're on this site, I presume it's because you are Superbad, whether you're a dad or a mom. And if you're not a parent, well you're just Superbad anyway. (That is my compliment for the day).

I've posted the movie review and now I've got something for you!

That rhymed.

I am pleased to present what I am calling the Superbad, Superdad. Dispicable Me Prize Pack Giveaway.

What's Up For Grabs, You Ask?
Two (2) winners will receive a pack consisting of the following:

  • T-Shirt
  • Hat
  • Moo-Can (it really moos!)
  • Pencil with Minion Topper
  • Balloon
  • Minion Ink Stamp

What Are The Rules?

Mandatory Requirement for Entry:

You MUST be one (1) of the following:

  • A RSS Subscriber
  • An Email Subscriber
  • A Friend of this blog on Google Friend Connect
  • A Facebook Page Fan
  • A Follower On Twitter

Anyone entering who is not one of the above, your entry will be discarded and not considered.

Additionally, you must be a U.S. resident or have a U.S. mailing address to enter and be 18 years of age or older.

The Rules Are Simple:

State your above status (Facebook Fan, Google Friend, Subscriber, etc.) & answer the following in the comments section of this post (1 Entry Per Person) :

If you could be a Supervillian parent what kind would you be? What is your power that makes you Superbad and what would you do with it? For example: Steve Carrell is a criminal mastermind with a variety of inventions (including his minions) and is plotting to steal the moon.

The 2 commenters with the most creative (and non-offensive) answers will win the prize packs! (Prize packs will be distributed by Big Honcho Media)

My son will be our judge on this one. Who better to judge than a wily teen who lives to see the bad guy win?

The Contest will Run from Today July 14, 2010 at 4pm EST and end at 11:59pm EST on Friday, July 23, 2010.

Good Luck, Let Your Creativity Flow, But Don't Get Too Crazy (please)!

Disclosure: E.Payne the author of Makes Me Wanna Holler was provided with a Despicable Me Prize Pack for the purpose of reviewing it.

Images Courtesy Universal Pictures.


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Tuesday

I Am That I Am

I am a child of God.
I am my mother's child.
I am my father's determination and single minded pursuit of goals and dreams.
I am my family's sixth or seventh generation hope for the future.
I am one grandma's sweet skinny little hope.
I am another grandma's contradiction of her proposed bleak future.
I am sensitivity personified.
I am indignant.
I am indecisive.
I am meek.
I am humble.
I am arrogant.
I am moody.
I am loving.
I am passionate.
I am questioning.
I am faithful.
I am pious.
I am disrespectful.
I am a hopeless (and sometimes helpless) romantic.
I am peaceful.
I am intense.
I am undefeated (even in defeat).
I am victorious.
I am my wife's Husband.
I am my son's security.
I am my daughter's hero.
I am a Dad.
I am that I am and I am so much more with each new day.
I am a Man.
I am ME!

Correct in yourself that which needs correction. Take correction from those who have your best interests at heart. But NEVER let anyone take away from you all that you or any part of you because it doesn't agree with who they are or any other reason they might provide.

You are you.

Relish, bask and flourish in it! And add your two cents in the comments if you like...

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Saturday

Despicable Me: A Makes Me Wanna Holler Movie Review

Disclosure: This is an unsolicited review.

Despicable Me is hardly despicable at all. In fact it's arguably as crude and violent as your everyday Spongebob Squarepants episode or DVD pack.

In a happy suburban neighborhood surrounded by white picket fences with flowering rose bushes, sits a black house with a dead lawn. Unbeknownst to the neighbors, hidden deep beneath this home is a vast secret hideout. Surrounded by an army of tireless, little yellow minions, we discover Gru (Steve Carell), planning the biggest heist in the history of the world. He is going to steal the moon (Yes, the moon!)

Is the plot ridiculous and far-fetched? Of course it is! It's a cartoon! Steve Carell's Gru drives a rocket car, carries a concealed freeze ray gun and somehow manages to live in suburbia without drawing any attention to himself. But that isn't what this movie is truly about. This is just the subplot that sets up the bigger story: a man in his never ending quest to be super successful and lauded by all (even if it's for being bad) crosses paths with three little orphaned girls, falls in love with them and discovers, through trial and major errors, that family is what truly matters.

Sound familiar?

I went to see this movie on opening day (in 3D) in Chicago with my daughter, one of my high school buddies and his two daughters. We loved it. As with most modern day animated features there were moments when I thought it was running a bit long (my daughter's brief moment of pacing the row confirmed this), but there's a little something for all ages in this movie. And the minions? These little yellow creature may have provided me with some of the best comic relief I've experienced all year...



Despicable Me proves that family changes everything. Even the quest for world domination. Grab your wallet (3D CGI ticket prices are insane), grab your kids, grab your friends or the one you love and kick back for a couple hours of air conditioned laughs with Gru and the cast of Despicable Me, featuring the talents of Julie Andrews, Will Arnett, Jason Segal and Kristen Wiig.


Article Screen Image Courtesy Universal Pictures

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Thursday

Fatherhood In Black (And White)

Meant to put this up sooner, but I am on vacation after all.

The picture below is entitled, No Words. Submitted and photographed by HomeGirl Quel (Kel) In Austin.



Thanks Raquel!


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Wednesday

The Makes Me Wanna Holler Discussion Thread

MakesMeWannaHoller

After some encouragement from some of my fans on the Makes Me Wanna Holler Facebook Page I've decided to launch a discussion thread over there to get you, my loyal readers engaged with me and one another on topics du jour that interest you. I'm excited about what we can discover together. And hopefully things won't get out of hand.

So how does one get in on conversation?
  1. Log onto your Facebook account.
  2. You have to be a member of the Facebook Page.
  3. "Like" the page (if you currently are not a member).
  4. Click the Discussion tab at the top of the page.
  5. Add your two cents and boom, let the conversation roll!
I'm excited. I hope you are too!

PS - I'm not giving away our first discussion topic here so you'll have to go over there to see what's cooking!


Want to get more day to day, hour to hour musings from E.Payne? Then please "Like" the Makes Me Wanna Holler Facebook Page and join the movement. You won't be disappointed.

A Little Less Connectivity - A Whole Lot More Simple

Day 32/365 - Plugged In
Photo Credit: Tom Lin :3=

I used to think I was an Internet brat. Now I realize I'm a Wi-Fi brat.

All my life I've hated wires and cords. When I was a special event manager at Barnes & Noble, I obsessed over the various necessary wires and cords being hidden from wandering patrons' eyes. In the various homes I've struggled, daydreaming of behind the wall cable, and speaker wires. So last fall when the opportunity arose for me to turn my home into a Wi-Fi masterpiece I did. And each and everyday when I come home I marvel at how I can plug-in anywhere in my home without wires.

Not so at the Casa Del Payne, Chi Town. My folks have one computer stuffed in the corner of my old bedroom, "my daughter's room" with a cable modem plugged into it. I believe there's computer in the basement, but unless I want to trip, fall and get impaled on one of the many tools and items my father has scattered all over the place, I simply do not go there.

No different than being paralyzed in front of a television without a remote (what did we do before remotes?) I have had a hard time plugging in, staying informed, pouring over the Net. That is unless I simply walk over to the computer and actually sit down in front of it.

It's been like this for almost four days.

Not being able to fully utilize my laptop, my iPod Touch, and the host of other little devices that rule my day has been pure bliss. No, I can't stay abreast of World Cup action with my ESPN World Cup App, and I don't know the weather forecast from one hour to the next, but for now I'm at ease not being burdened with the crush of information I burden myself with all day and night at home in NY. As I have a lot on my mind I have been an insomniac for weeks, but instead of reaching for my iPod and surfing the Net til the sun comes up I've simply said a prayer or two (or three) turned back over and listened to the birds chirping outside. And of course, I can just get off my behind and walk to the computer if I need to.

I've engaged in so many conversations about how difficult life is, but the reality is that yes, while we are faced with difficult, troublesome and sometimes awful situations. Our commutes do suck, taxes are too high, it seems impossible to get ahead and it's too hot or cold outside. But at the source of our own personal distractions --- the things that keep us from doing what we need to do for ourselves and the things that prevent us from enjoying, appreciating, and living our day to day lives to the fullest (the life we live with ourselves), I doubt you can truly blame Obama or any other politician, your pastor, your husband, your wife, your kids, those kids down the block, the police, The Man or anyone else.

Just look in the mirror.

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Friday

Makes Me Wanna Holler & The 2010 Black Weblog Awards

Well it's that time of year again...nomination time for the 2010 Black Weblog Awards. Last year I was a finalist in the Best Parenting Blog category. An admirable finish for a first time parenting blogger. But this year I've opted to take a different route.

Over and over again, you, my ever-supportive readers, have commented to me about the quality of my writing --- its candidness and it's depth. After I reviewed the categories this year I personally opted not add this blog's name to the Best Parenting Blog category. If there should ever come a day when there is a Best Dad Blog category, maybe. But until then, the moms have the parenting category on lock. Call me pessimistic. I call it as I see it.

Truthfully as this is merely a nominating period, feel free to nominate my blog for whatever you like, should you choose to nominate me at all. However, if you would be so kind, I'm asking that you nominate me for the 2010 Black Weblog Awards in the following two categories (both, not just one).

  1. Best Personal Blog
  2. Best Writing In A Blog
If you didn't notice the link above that takes you to the nomination page, then please click here.

We'll see how it all shakes out when the finalists in each category are announced on July 25th.

Thanks! And have a happy & safe July 4th!



Want to get more day to day, hour to hour musings from E.Payne? Then please "Like" the Makes Me Wanna Holler Facebook Page and join the movement. You won't be disappointed.

Thursday

Best Laid Plans Made Between Strangers Not Living In The Moment

I don't think I've ever been more transparent than I was at 12:30 this morning.

I'm not sure I've been more at peace in the presence of my wife right then and there.

The truth is, as I've been hinting for a while, my marriage has been slowly but surely going loopy. We've fought, we've kicked, we've screamed. I've prayed, sought help, pursued peace, stopped talking, anything and everything I could think of, all to no avail. She's threatened to leave on more than one occasion. I've posted opposition each time wondering in my head why I just don't let go. She's decried us roommates and strangers living under the same roof, except when it comes to the kids. And nearly every night before my eyes shut til morning and during nearly every moment of quiet that comes along during the day, I've prayed for peace and wisdom. I've prayed not to change her (which I'm told is witchcraft) but to help me be, do, fix whatever it is that needs whatever it is. Lately the question I've asked, especially in lieu of all that recently went down with my son is, "How much can one man take?" After all no matter what my daydreams might be, I'm very much flesh and blood.

Just yesterday the head of my daughter's school said something to me in the midst of a larger conversation we were having which stopped me cold in my tracks:

"It takes at least a year to get established once you've moved."


Each word, minus the prepositions, crystallized in my mind. Then it all clicked.

Life is lived on levels and at stages. But nothing happens overnight and very little happens in a year. Preschool (depending on when you enter your child) is at least 2 years. Grade school/grammar school is 6-8. Middle school is 3. High school is 4. College is typically 4 and graduate school can last a lifetime.

Before this economy, businesses had a 5-7 year window of time to make it or break it. A baby remains a baby for a couple of years before becoming a toddler, then is a youngster for a considerable number of years before becoming a teen and so on. I hope that you get the idea.

Since my daughter's arrival into our lives, before and after marriage I have moved a total of 5 times. Prior to then I lived a comfortable, confident, consistent and established existence in the same place for 10 years. Since I've been married and for a little while before then I've been trying to understand where the confidence and the surety has gone.

It didn't "go" anywhere. It's simply never been allowed to develop since taking on the mantle of Husband and Father. Back during the househunter days before this new economy, I was so hell bent on owning (because I was an owner who swore I'd never rent again), I absolutely refused to remain at an apartment that was absolutely perfect for my new unwed insta-family. I disrupted our new found comfort and am pretty certain I introduced us to a culture of looking for more, rather than making what we had work. That was 2006.

I got married in the fall of 2007 and never ONCE talked to my new bride about future goals and expectations. I knew I wanted to relax and enjoy life but that was about all I expressed.

Since then my wife and I have been living our lives in 12 month increments. And not even. We have begun each 12 month cycle barely focused on the 12 months we've been in. Instead we have proselytized to nearly anyone who'll listen what our intentions are "next year". Not only is this exhausting. It simply isn't healthy. How do you determine where or how you might fit into a community if you only give yourself 12 months to do it (especially when it takes nearly 3 months just to get in your new groove)? How do you assess the quality of your relationships in a community if you only give yourself 12 months? How do you hope for success without giving yourself enough time to succeed? How do you build a life with someone you've told, "I do" when you two only have fleeting moments together, few and far between, because between the two of you you are so focused on what you want to happen later that you overlook today? Notice I said, what you want to happen. Wanting doesn't necessarily dictate that it will, no matter how much effort you put out. Then what? You're stuck hating where you are and hating who you're with. (AHA!)

My daughter's school administrator wasn't the only factor in my revolutionized thinking. My kids themselves were the key players. My daughter has friends in the neighborhood. She goes to birthday parties. She goes to Sunday school with one of her classmates. We bump into parents at Dunkin' Donuts and sandwich shops, the library and at malls. During all of my son's various sporting events I began to make my rounds with the parents and the coaches. Chatting it up during games, socializing with no more intent than to socialize. Due to my son's academic needs I've been forced to reach out to professionals and have those professionals refer me to other professionals, each contact layering onto the last. I've established relationships with all of his teachers so that if I see them outside of school grounds they recognize me and strike up conversations where they express genuine interest for my family. And last but not least I began taking neighbors up on hanging out. Particularly, a city official who lives 3 floors above me. Through him I've met a slew of well meaning community members, some of whom, just this week, were able to get my son actively involved in this community --- actively and enthusiastically volunteering his time for the benefit of others. So even though I've had my head up my own ass, forever focused on a future that has yet to arrive, I've inadvertently put down roots in my community for the sake of my kids. And now at the age of 38 I get that despite all the outside factors that cause you to dislike a place (cost of living, nosy neighbors, "bad" commute, "bad" job, etc., etc.) it is your human obligation, your right to be happy as a living breathing thing to live in the moment and make it work. A simple 3-5 year plan between you (and yourself if you're single) and the one you love can make the bitter pill of life around you so much easier to take. The things of life stop being the focus. Living life takes over.

I confessed this all to my wife during a very long midnight drive. Instead of the usual --- a contradictory statement that more times than not would send us both spiraling out of control, she sat there soaking it all in. When I was done she told me I was absolutely right and before she went to sleep she told me she loved me and that I was one of the strongest men she knew. I laughed, of course. She went on to say that I took the time to figure out what was going on in my head and chose to share it and it made perfect sense.

I smiled.

A new "threat" is on the horizon that has the potential to uproot us yet again. And at the same time it also presents itself as an opportunity. As the co-captain of this ship, I'm not exactly sure what to do. But I am now confident that whatever the ultimate outcome may be I won't be making any decisions moving forward in some desperate and deranged fashion that has me hating where I am and making bad decisions for the future as a result. I have an opportunity to turn things around. To stop being so mean to myself. To have the love and happiness I've always wanted, fully aware that it takes time.

I woke up this morning happy. And it Makes Me Wanna Holler.

If any of this sounds familiar I hope you'll stop yourself dead in your self-destructive tracks and figure out a way to make your life work.