Let's face facts, love is a mystery. Especially in today's times. It is as elusive as the cat burglar that cleans out a jewelry store without anyone noticing (dating myself here as I think about the Pink Panther movies of yesteryear).

But here's the thing, love is elusive because we allow it to be. We are distracted by EVERYTHING, including the actions of the one we claim to love. Oftentimes we allow our spouse's/lover's isms and bad days to dictate who we are and how we opt to act toward them.

But being with someone, loving them is a choice, something that other person, by virtue of the definition of love (a different post for a different time), shouldn't be able to control. So for example, most parents choose to love their children no matter what they do because they love that person so much their actions can't prevent them from loving them. And a parent hopes that through love, a child will grow, excel, flourish. The notion that the "ownership" of a child that comes with parenthood is the driver for this kind of love (unconditional) may be true, but the fact remains, most parents no matter how burned up they are by their child's actions, choose to love them anyway. That choice is so natural, so automatic most don't even realize they are in fact choosing and not "feeling" love. Here are 4 simple steps you can take to inject a healthy dose of lovingness into your marriage:

Sometimes a bad or off-kilter attitude from a loved one or a spouse deserves a moment or two of understanding and/or compassion rather than a dismissal because you can't be bothered. Didn't you sign up to be bothered? But in order to effectively do this you have to be strong enough in heart to soothe rather than react in kind to their dilemma. You also have to be selfless enough to recognize it's not about you --- not always. Next time it happens, because there will always be a next time, don't be so quick to dismiss. Sometimes loving a person means doing so when they aren't being very loving themselves.

Use your power to heal.

Join this conversation on Facebook.

---

Thoughts? Please, let me know in the Facebook or Disqus comment sections below.

I think I'm just getting too old...

This morning I woke up and set up Valentine's Day presents around the house for my wife and two kids. I did this this morning because I wanted them to wake up to this. To bring a smile to their faces. To carry whatever warmth my gifts might bring, with them through the day, as life does it's best to wear you down from sunup to sundown.

Out of the three of them only my daughter went through her gifts. Yes, it caused her to run a little behind for school but she knew what she got and thanked us for the gifts. She took the card I gave her and read it in the car again and again until she had sounded out all the big words and was saying them easily. And then when we walked into her school she happily went into her day and joined the ranks of screaming kids passing out candy. This morning, my son had the same amount of time on his hands as my daughter. When I pointed out his gifts, just gifts, that had nothing to do with Valentine's Day (he's a teen boy, after all) he grunted, took the peanut butter cups and left the rest sitting exactly where it was. I asked my wife if she opened her gifts and she said she had had no time and that she will open them this evening.

Such is life. I don't believe my good intentions were wasted. I gave in the spirit of giving. I'm only slightly saddened that neither of them took the time to receive what I hope is my good cheer. Many, including my wife, would argue that Valentine's Day is a silly day. But it's an opportunity (aside from all the retail gluttony) to show and share your love. But I've been guilty of doing the same myself from time to time. Not having enough time. Being focused on the requests of strangers. Making sure I get everything I need to get done outside home until I'm so drained I don't have the emotional capacity to acknowledge what going on in my home. But ultimately it's the little things that give you the strength to combat the big things. Today I will take a page from my daughter's book and try to focus on the little, happy, silly things that make the world go 'round.

Happy Valentine's Day.

---

Thoughts? Please, let me know in the Facebook or Disqus comment sections below.

I wish I could say I'm the most doting of husbands, but I'm not. In fact, I've often confused being hardworking and the former as being one in the same. Based on my love of my kids I've even gone so far, after bending over backwards for them, as to take a self-celebratory bow in front of the wife as if to say, "Ta da!" For the longest this has fallen flat. Her being nonplussed has often infuriated me. Which of course has only made matters worse.

Adding to my missteps is my wife's fierce independence. I am guilty of misreading her cues --- which is sometimes silence --- and have at times believed she is in need of nothing. What a disaster! I'm no mind reader but I do have a functioning brain. I should've known better. Tucked away in my file are some spectacular birthday and special occasion fiascoes that I own 100%. But part of being a man is understanding your mistakes, taking accountability for them and ensuring you do what it takes to prevent or mitigate the possibility of repeat offenses.


If I've learned anything about being a husband I've learned that the quieter your wife is the more you are boiling in hot water. It's typically a slow boil you don't initially notice. Most of us men figure if she ain't talking then all must be fine because if she is talking she's complaining. But if you think about it for more than thirty seconds how is your wife not speaking to a ever a good thing? Is this something you honestly want in a marriage? No good comes from extended silence between two people living under the same roof and claiming to be in love. Another thing to consider: while you are enjoying your "peace" all kinds of wild thoughts about you are probably taking root in her mind. Take it from someone who knows. Your peace will only be temporary. Don't join the ranks of men who can't figure out what happened and just write the former lady of their dreams off with the B-word. Be on alert for the signs. It may be hard, but love is an action. You chose to get married. You chose to have those kids. Choose to stay out of trouble and keep the fire going rather than being in it. Check out this list of things to do to show your wife you love her:

A few days ago, on the way to school I told my daughter, "I love you," to which she responded, "I know." When I asked who told her she answered,

"No one has to tell me. I just know because you are my father."

I wish all kids knew love like this and could speak on it.

---

Thanks for reading! Follow me on Twitter at @EPayneTheDad.

Sex.

I know this is what you thought as soon as you saw the title. But this isn't what this is about. Nor is belaboring the obvious. Men need sex just as women do. It's truly sad when it's missing, especially between married couples. Arguably, they are the ones who need it the most. But that's not the point today.

But before sex there is affection, consideration, intimacy, sincerity, hand-holding, saying, "I love you," from time to time and meaning it rather than choking on the words as if you were gargling sand. And that goes for both men and women. Especially men, who do a much better job of bottling up their emotions and needs and suffer terribly and often needlessly internally.

The key to understanding all of the above is spelled out almost word for word in the bible and honestly most other ancient texts that seek to achieve balance and harmony with man, his (or her) peers and the surrounding society. But nowadays everyone is too tech savvy for this, too on point, too keeping it real, too chasing after the golden egg, too rough too tough, two tight Afro puffs and too miserable. So their fellow human who might appreciate a kind word or gesture gets bulldozed and bludgeoned by the verbal stones that most of us happily hurl on a daily basis. 'Cause we "keep it real."

The needs I am referencing are much simpler than anything I am referencing above. I'm talking about the basics that every man should have once he becomes a man, unless he opts not to.

Most days being a father is thankless, so much so that you don't even think about it --- all the things you do, all that you endure and all that you give by day's end. But most men, even the toughest, of which I am not (the toughest), come face to face with matters that will test and sometimes batter their mettle.

During days or times such as these you may feel that you are alone and no one but maybe God is there. But then compassion comes from the tiniest of places. You hear a small caring voice ask, "Dad, what's wrong?" as I did last week. A voice filled with the love and compassion of all the angels up above. And if you're like me, you answer honestly, or at least as clearly as possible so that young mind you're responding to understands the unnecessary complexities of the world of grown ups.

"It's okay, Dad."

That was my daughter's soft and caring response. She put her small hand first on my shoulder and then on my cheek as she sat in my lap. I felt more compassion than I can describe in this 15-second gesture. I looked into her eyes and she smiled at me. I took a deep breath to keep from crying and ruining her time at the park. In the next breath, nearly half my sorrow was gone.

There is no greater power than the power of love. There is no greater blessing than to have a child who is able to exercise that power.

I am too thankful to be sidelined by the thoughtless actions of men (and women) because of the thoughtfulness of my children.

And my daughter was right. It is okay.

---

Thanks for reading! Follow me on Twitter at @EPayneTheDad. To learn more about me, you can read my story.

This past Sunday while exiting a Krispy Kreme (an after-church ritual here at Casa de Payne) my daughter noticed an ad for a doughnut that said something like,"Now, I know what love looks like!" She read it aloud and immediately remarked, "You can't see love, you do love!"

Ain't that the truth.

Photos courtesy of OMG Booth

Happy Valentines Day! Occupy Love. Do Love...

---

Thanks for reading! To learn more about me, you can read my story. Follow me on Twitter @EPayneTheDad

May your love not go unnoticed...

may you receive the love you deserve...

Happy Valentine's Day.

E.Payne is the author of Investing In An Emotional Letdown and I Didn't Invented Sex. For the past 3 years he has posted 600+ articles about fatherhood, marriage and everything in between here at Makes Me Wanna Holler.com. To learn more, click here.

After a long, sleepless weekend, I'm happy to present:



Love Notes, is an eBook collection of poems and short stories revolving around the elusive and insanity causing thing called love... written, of course from the male perspective. If you like it, please feel free to share this post. Thank you!

Tune back in tomorrow for the goodies!


E.Payne is the author of Investing In An Emotional Letdown and I Didn't Invented Sex. For the past 3 years he has posted 600+ articles about fatherhood, marriage and everything in between here at Makes Me Wanna Holler.com. To learn more, click here.

Today I noticed something on the front page of the February newsletter from my daughter's school. It's theme is centered around Valentine's Day, of course:

SPECIAL

"I love you not for who you are.
I love you because of how I feel when I'm with you."

Be blessed. Make it a great weekend!


E.Payne is the author of Investing In An Emotional Letdown and I Didn't Invented Sex. For the past 3 years he has posted 600+ articles about fatherhood, marriage and everything in between here at Makes Me Wanna Holler.com. To learn more, click here.

As told to me during a conversation with a beautiful, proud and successful woman...

On Monday He called her up at work to make plans for Friday --- a dinner date.

She got very excited and began planning from the moment they hung up.

On Tuesday, She plans out her outfit: shoes, nails, and begins deciding what is She going to do with her hair by Friday.

On Wednesday, She's skipping lunch to go to the mall (maybe not even the one near her job) to pick up something to wear maybe a new top, maybe an accessory or two and of course new shoes...

I interject: "And you've got to call your girlfriends to let them know you're going out."

She counters: "Honey, I did that as soon as I got off the phone with Him on Monday."

I decide to remain silent for the remainder of the lecture.

Wednesday comes and goes in a blur and Thursday is oddly quiet.

Because She has high hopes for Friday she calls on Thursday night just to make sure things are still set --- just to be on the safe side. Most wait until the day of...

He doesn't really recall making plans for Friday, or at least not serious ones. Something else has come up, maybe His money isn't right. Who knows? Either way it's not going to happen and He's hardly contrite about it, not to the degree that she would expect considering She's been anticipating spending time with Him all week.

She becomes "emotional."

He now insists it's no big deal. It's just dinner. They can go any day, another day, another time.

Now She's angry and saying things She normally wouldn't say to someone She really likes and really wants to spend time with. She's cursing too.

He says, "You see that's why I can't deal with you...you gotta make a big deal out of everything." He goes on to admonish her for Her attitude and Her mouth.

But He doesn't know about the week She spent investing in the few hours she expected to have with Him away from the hustle and bustle of the work week --- the rat race that keeps most of us prisoners, the worry and anxiety of bills and the unknown impending future or whatever it may be. It was to be time well spent, spending it with Him.

For Him, it's just dinner.

Then She tells me, remaining ever so cool and collected but now with fire in her eyes, "Then We [women] get slammed for being "emotional" (she puts up her index and middle fingers of both hands to mimic quotation marks), especially Black Women, and so many of us are stupid enough to accept the blame for something you've (men) caused. And you all go on about your business and move on while we're sitting around somewhere blaming ourselves for being this way.

I sit there with my mouth hanging open. In a flash, I remember at least 6 times I've done the same thing.

And then the light bulb lights up so bright above my head it explodes.

I tell her: "What you're speaking of is an emotional investment versus just being emotionally reactive."

"Preach," She responds, seeing that I've turned to the Page that she is on.

I continue: "So you guys get 'emotional' after investing your emotions into something and being disappointed...you're investing in an emotional [I pause to find the words] letdown. And no man would ever invest money into something and remain calm when they lose money, so why should women be any different when it comes to their investments?"

"You are so lucky I'm not charging for this session," She said with a smile.

I laugh, but I'm not sure she is completely joking. I instantly feel the levity and the power that comes with enlightenment. In less than fifteen minutes a complete stranger I met at a networking event gave me the keys to understanding nearly every other woman walking the face of the Earth and specifically, my wife.

A day or so later on my wedding anniversary I confidently apologized to my wife for all the times I have been the guy described above. This time, I actually knew what I was apologizing for and my She actually knew it was sincere.


Have You Subscribed Yet? * Are You On Facebook? * Do You Tweet?

When my wife first introduced me to the song below, I twisted up my face in disbelief. But she shut me down quickly, "What?! He is killing it in this song."

And then I listened to the words. And then I listened again with my eyes closed...

Today is my wedding anniversary and although my wife and I have known each other for 10 years, these last 3 of marriage have been TOUGH. For anyone who thinks just living together and marriage are the same thing (as I once did when I was living in another galaxy), you're wrong. It's not even up for debate.

They say the first 3 years are the test. Well our 2nd year was only topped by this last year which had us both wondering what had we done to ourselves and our kids. I proudly used to think it could and would never happen to me. But it was a year that saw me lose myself and almost lose her, right out our front door, literally.

But then I found myself. ["And when he came to himself..." as the Parable of the Prodigal Son goes.] And I ran after her. Not as some deranged ego-broken man chasing down some female. But as a husband --- humble but strong, remorseful, emptied of old opinions and open to rebuild. Ready, willing and able to fight for love.

Because when a woman loves...

Happy Anniversary, Mrs. Payne-Payne!

Photo Credit: Ross Oscar Knight Photography © 2007.

Be encouraged, married people. It's a lifelong experience.


Have You Subscribed Yet? * Are You On Facebook? * Do You Tweet?

From the Desk of E.Payne...

Dear Wanton Wanter of Love,


You want love so bad, you can taste it.

You want love because it is so necessary for your life.

You want love because you deserve it.

But do you even know what love is?

Do you know what it feels, tastes, smells and looks like?

Do you truly understand how patient and kind it is?

Can you fathom the burden of understanding that it must bear?

Do you know that love forgives and forgets all things done against it?

Do you even have the space in your heart required for love?

Do you know that love seeks the best for others

and pays little attention to itself?

Do you know the power of love?

Love ends wars, changes hearts and gives life.

Love raises children, saves lives at the expense of self

and makes Good Samaritans into local heroes.

Love teaches children to grow up to be leaders.

Love guides religious leaders in the right way to lead their flocks.

Love gives hope in the face of unimaginable tragedy.

Love heals wounds...in time...

Love makes the days go by beautifully.

Love is the perfect director of regret-free living.

How is it that you want to receive love when love is given?

If you truly want love, you won't want for it at all.

Instead you'll be ready and full of praise when it comes.

Ready to be nourished by it and nourish in return.

You'll recognize it immediately, because it is already inside of you.


Sincerely,

E.Payne



We have a great conversation brewing on our new Discussion page. I say, "our" because it's yours just as much as it is mine. Please stop by and contribute!




Want to enrich your Makes Me Wanna Holler experience with discussions, current events and interacting with people just like you? Then please "Like" the Makes Me Wanna Holler Facebook Page and join the movement. You won't be disappointed.