Meet Ross and watch his testimony on what it means to be a father.

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Is the institution of marriage designed to make you happy? Interesting question, right? One writer immediately comes to mind as an expert on this subject. If you take a moment to scroll through your mental slideshow, you will see imagery of marriage associated with happiness, no different that Coca-Cola is. Problem is, most married folks would argue down those images of happiness as anything from marketing fluff to fairy tales.

Happy marriages are populated by happy people. Framing it this way indicates that marriage is a construct within which two people operate/conduct their lives. So it is an operating platform rather than an emotion-stabilizer or edifier. In fact, I'll argue further that if you go into a marriage looking for it to make you happy, you will be sorely disappointed.

Tweet: Happy marriages are populated by happy people. A marriage by itself will never make you happy.

But enough about my thoughts on the matter. What do you think? Is marriage designed to make you happy?

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You, the readers, mean everything to me. I've blogged for so long being transparent isn't difficult for me. What's been challenging is being this far along in the game (6 years) writing meaningful content as a one-man show with a full-time job. There are times when I simply want to drop it and let it fade off into obscurity for a variety of reasons. But then I sit down to write and remember the times at the many coffee shops when I was baring my soul not knowing who was "listening" and if what I was saying mattered. And I kept on writing anyway. The following are the Top Ten Posts of 2013 that mattered the most to you this year. Thank You for reading, sharing, and commenting. I hope to be able to continue creating meaningful ideas, stories and so on, in 2014 for you, the readers.

The Top Ten Posts Written in 2013 at MakesMeWannaHoller.com (based on reader views):

10. The Power of Dad http://epayne.me/VQrWno

9. How To Restore Yourself in 2013: 7 Principles of Self-Restoration http://epayne.me/10JOz32

8. Parents Make The Difference http://epayne.me/18SkKu8

7. Parenting And Fatherhood: Let's Reclaim Our Kids http://epayne.me/12tZdq6

6. Healthy Marriage: 4 Things To Consider And Do http://epayne.me/18CYeMm

5. From Shoeless To College Freshman: My Son http://epayne.me/13Ri1jR

4. 2 Questions To Ask To Introduce Your Kids To Gratitude http://epayne.me/HeRQid

3. How To Be A Man, Dad & Husband In A World Gone Mad http://epayne.me/1desbDL

2. Where's Mommy? http://epayne.me/177km0Z

1. The Reward For A Simple Act Of Kindness http://epayne.me/1fxC51B

If there's a post you really liked and it isn't on the list, please let me know here in the comments.

Peace,
E.Payne

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Let's face facts, love is a mystery. Especially in today's times. It is as elusive as the cat burglar that cleans out a jewelry store without anyone noticing (dating myself here as I think about the Pink Panther movies of yesteryear).

But here's the thing, love is elusive because we allow it to be. We are distracted by EVERYTHING, including the actions of the one we claim to love. Oftentimes we allow our spouse's/lover's isms and bad days to dictate who we are and how we opt to act toward them.

But being with someone, loving them is a choice, something that other person, by virtue of the definition of love (a different post for a different time), shouldn't be able to control. So for example, most parents choose to love their children no matter what they do because they love that person so much their actions can't prevent them from loving them. And a parent hopes that through love, a child will grow, excel, flourish. The notion that the "ownership" of a child that comes with parenthood is the driver for this kind of love (unconditional) may be true, but the fact remains, most parents no matter how burned up they are by their child's actions, choose to love them anyway. That choice is so natural, so automatic most don't even realize they are in fact choosing and not "feeling" love. Here are 4 simple steps you can take to inject a healthy dose of lovingness into your marriage:

• a pinch of salt and pepper
• a pinch of cayenne powder
• a pinch of chili powder
• lime juice
• butter

• 1 teaspoon of cumin
• 1 teaspoon of pepper
• 1 teaspoon of steak seasoning (generic anywhere and everywhere)
• 1 teaspoon of Mediterranean sea salt
• 1/2 teaspoon of paprika
• 1/2 lemon
• olive oil cooking spray

Are you ready to experience Walmart’s Steak-Over for yourself? Find out why you should choose your steaks at Walmart here. We shared our winning grilling tip - now tell us yours!

This is a sponsored conversation written by me on behalf of Walmart. The opinions and text are all mine.

Right now, I'm sitting in a hotel lobby just outside the French Quarter siphoning off some free Wi-Fi like everyone around me who is sitting on these oversized, overused, butt-dimpled couches. The warmth of the sun bathes me and partially blinds me as I type these words. It is a motley crew that darts back and forth past my square of comfortable, but posture-damaging furniture. It is a hustle and bustle of the business people heading out or heading home, mixed with the people who are obviously here to have fun.

I'm wrapping up a 3-day hop here to the Big Easy where my son may or may not attend college. He was accepted to the school we attended and what's more, he fell in love with the town. But not the smut or the promise of rivers of alcohol, but rather, the food and the music --- the kids playing big band jazz in the streets, the art, and the food (that's right I wrote it twice). And he seems to be fully aware that college and all that is the French Quarter are two separate things. He's smiling from ear to ear. Constantly. The last time he smiled like this was the year before he became a teen. And he hasn't smiled much at all since we moved to Atlanta. The experience has left me looking at him a little differently and wondering if maybe he's found his space for the next four years.

Time will tell.

I haven't had much time to blog, or Facebook or do anything. This Year of Restoration has been filled with rewards but I have been burdened like never before. Heading up the social media for an entire company has left me scatterbrained by the end of most of my days. Able to retain little, interested in doing less. Bills are piling up around me at every turn although I'm spending nothing and paying them off at a furious pace. Ignorance is bliss I suppose because I didn't have these concerns when I was unemployed and unable to pay my bills.

I've also been repairing my relationship with my wife. Not having money, not having mutual understanding, not having peace, not being able to work together through the tough times did a real number on us. There are days when I've been tempted to ask myself why keep trying, why carry this mantle and then I just keep on carrying. Here in New Orleans I've been able to take my wife out on a couple of dates and we strolled the streets of the French Quarter together as we did many years ago in Brooklyn and Central Park.

To make a long story short I have been way too busy to blog. Instead I've been growing, changing, fighting and reflecting and my life is changing around me.

Please, bear with me.

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Thoughts? Please, let me know in the Facebook or Disqus comment sections below.

Sometimes a bad or off-kilter attitude from a loved one or a spouse deserves a moment or two of understanding and/or compassion rather than a dismissal because you can't be bothered. Didn't you sign up to be bothered? But in order to effectively do this you have to be strong enough in heart to soothe rather than react in kind to their dilemma. You also have to be selfless enough to recognize it's not about you --- not always. Next time it happens, because there will always be a next time, don't be so quick to dismiss. Sometimes loving a person means doing so when they aren't being very loving themselves.

Use your power to heal.

Join this conversation on Facebook.

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Thoughts? Please, let me know in the Facebook or Disqus comment sections below.

I state the following only because at times I have been guilty of it myself: There is a game of love, but love is not a game. Marriage is not for the faint of heart nor for children. You are in this together for the sake of each other to make two better together than apart. To enjoy life and make it rich in ways money can't provide. It isn't a competition. It isn't about being right and your significant other being wrong. It isn't about you speaking or thinking so highly of yourself that you come to believe you have arrived at your current destination and are doing everything you are doing, by yourself, purely out of your own miraculous, solitary strength and tenacity. When you know good and well on the days you don't even want to get out of bed, he or she is there making things work as best they can while you get it together.

So, if you are somewhere outside of your home constantly complaining about your spouse to people who play no role in your life other than to sit a few desks over from you. And if you are doing nothing to fix your "problems" other than complain to these same people who agree with you because they have no other choice but to since they are only hearing your side of the story --- understand that as a married person you sound and look stupid, you are an embarrassment to your spouse and to what marriage should and ought to be and you are a walking, talking advertisement for single people to remain single.

This has been a public service announcement: Marriage is not child's play. Stop playing games. 

Chime in on this article on Facebook if you prefer at: http://epayne.me/XNZBkv

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Thoughts? Please, let me know in the Facebook or Disqus comment sections below.

File this under: AHA MOMENT OF THE DECADE

A couple of days ago a woman was complaining to me about her husband when she suddenly interrupted herself and said, "You know I should probably be more intimate with him...We'd probably get along better and it probably would help me from being stressed out. But it's hard."

"There's a reason intimacy is supposed to exist between married folks," I said. "It ain't about some dude, your husband, getting his jollies. It's about solidifying your union and creating a bond (a soul-tie) that only the two of you share. There's a beautiful thing that two people have when they are intimate, especially if they are married."

"But you may want to consider trying and seeing what happens," I advised her. "Who knows, you may actually like it?"

To which she responded, "You're probably right."

More and more I'm hearing from married women who have sworn off sex as if it were something bad, like too much cake and ice cream. I hear them blaming everything plus their husbands as to why they are the way they are. On the other side I'm hearing from an equal number of bewildered and exasperated married men who are running around like desperate men inside their own marriages, desperate for love from their wives. I repeat, desperate for love from their wives --- having no desire to go anywhere but home to their marriage beds. Part of the vows (depending on the ceremony or depending on whether you were listening) is that you give yourselves to one another in marriage. There are things that make marriages work, over the years and through the rough patches. Often getting through the rough patches together create the environment for the good stretches. Sexual intimacy is one of the first things to go when things get tough, even though after communication and genuine TLC it is probably one of the most important tools required for marriage maintenance. Sitting up in a house as roommates sharing kids is no different than roommates or housemates or business partners sitting under the same roof with shared investments. Shared investments do not foster, nurture or nourish love. In fact, shared investments alone usually are the source of most conflicts between people, married or not.

This marriage stuff isn't hard. It just takes work. And it isn't child's play. So if you're playing games, male or female, please stop. What you invest into, grows (for better or worse). What you ignore and neglect, withers and dies.

Join the ongoing conversation on this very topic over on Facebook at: http://www.facebook.com/MakesMeWannaHoller/posts/10151554700775330

It's only been a few days but 2013 has truly been a year of Restoration for me. And I can't wait to share some of my good news with you as I am allowedable.

As a new friend I met put it, I am doing what I am supposed to in order to "position myself properly" to receive God's blessings. (Tangent to be continued in a later post).

Part of this restorative process for me was to join a discussion group attached to the church I attend. And it has been a wonderful experience spending time with like-minded individuals who are invested in growing their personal relationships with The Man Upstairs.

In the midst of our discussions I revealed I am a Dad and not only a Dad but a Dad blogger. It's impossible not to divulge this nugget when I am asked what I'm passionate about.

Looking at my life from my own lens everyday is pretty regular and routine for me. I do what I do from before sun up and continue usually past midnight. It is a part of me, who I am, like my name and my skin color and the fact that I rock a baldie. I don't even think about it.

So I was surprised when during a recent meeting my being a dad came up more than once --- unknowingly couched as a hindrance. With the following statement spoken in jest being the one that stood out to me the most. I'm paraphrasing, but not much:

"You're a dad and all, I don't want you to get into trouble with the wife for spending too much money on lunch...you do have a family."

When my wife is out I worry, not about what she is doing or who she is with, but whether or not she is safe. But rarely have I properly expressed this concern. Meaning I usually am a complete grouch by the time she gets in. She picks up on my bad attitude immediately and things have traditionally devolved from there. That is, if she even makes it home without me blowing up her phone to demand where she is. The latter action usually only happens if it really begins to get late. Regardless of the reason, neither of us have gone to bed happy.

But I'm a different person now (long story on this another time).

Recently my wife was out at a networking dinner with her associates and I did everything that I always do: cleaned the house and put the kids to bed (well I made the big one go to bed). But I added a couple steps:

Because of my wife, I am transformed.

Every argument, disagreement, mistake and misstep is and should be used as an opportunity for growth. Look at it from the right perspective and don't point fingers.

When your wife is feeling anxious, depressed, crazy...whatever, instead of trying to figure her out, try your best to reassure her.

Do you truly know your wife?

• Do you know her hopes and dreams?
• Do you know what causes her pain?
• Do you know the tragedies of her past?
• Do you know what makes her smile (not how to make her smile)?
• When she is pushing buttons do you rise up against her or do you pray for her?
  
• Do you desire to understand her, or do you not get why she doesn't get you?
• Do you realize that she is an entire person and not only your spouse, they way you understand your friends are people too?

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Thanks for reading! Follow me on Twitter at @EPayneTheDad.

A year or so ago, I created the series AP Manhood, as in Advanced Placement, as in the classes only a handful of us got into while in High School and in my case, was occasionally teased about.

Challenge Number One: Do It Just Because.

This week or upcoming weekend do something around the house or for your wife that noticeably needs to be done that she either asked or didn't ask you to do. Once it's done don't mention it or asked to be thanked. Act as if nothing happened.

Think of it this way to help you in this challenge: Do you do a good job at work just for a raise or accolades or because you also believe in doing a good job and like to put your best foot forward? Because you know it will better who you are in your field. The same should be true of your work as a husband. Don't chase after the reward, just do the job.

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Thanks for reading! Follow me on Twitter at @EPayneTheDad.

I wish I could say I'm the most doting of husbands, but I'm not. In fact, I've often confused being hardworking and the former as being one in the same. Based on my love of my kids I've even gone so far, after bending over backwards for them, as to take a self-celebratory bow in front of the wife as if to say, "Ta da!" For the longest this has fallen flat. Her being nonplussed has often infuriated me. Which of course has only made matters worse.

Adding to my missteps is my wife's fierce independence. I am guilty of misreading her cues --- which is sometimes silence --- and have at times believed she is in need of nothing. What a disaster! I'm no mind reader but I do have a functioning brain. I should've known better. Tucked away in my file are some spectacular birthday and special occasion fiascoes that I own 100%. But part of being a man is understanding your mistakes, taking accountability for them and ensuring you do what it takes to prevent or mitigate the possibility of repeat offenses.


If I've learned anything about being a husband I've learned that the quieter your wife is the more you are boiling in hot water. It's typically a slow boil you don't initially notice. Most of us men figure if she ain't talking then all must be fine because if she is talking she's complaining. But if you think about it for more than thirty seconds how is your wife not speaking to a ever a good thing? Is this something you honestly want in a marriage? No good comes from extended silence between two people living under the same roof and claiming to be in love. Another thing to consider: while you are enjoying your "peace" all kinds of wild thoughts about you are probably taking root in her mind. Take it from someone who knows. Your peace will only be temporary. Don't join the ranks of men who can't figure out what happened and just write the former lady of their dreams off with the B-word. Be on alert for the signs. It may be hard, but love is an action. You chose to get married. You chose to have those kids. Choose to stay out of trouble and keep the fire going rather than being in it. Check out this list of things to do to show your wife you love her:

Sex.

I know this is what you thought as soon as you saw the title. But this isn't what this is about. Nor is belaboring the obvious. Men need sex just as women do. It's truly sad when it's missing, especially between married couples. Arguably, they are the ones who need it the most. But that's not the point today.

But before sex there is affection, consideration, intimacy, sincerity, hand-holding, saying, "I love you," from time to time and meaning it rather than choking on the words as if you were gargling sand. And that goes for both men and women. Especially men, who do a much better job of bottling up their emotions and needs and suffer terribly and often needlessly internally.

The key to understanding all of the above is spelled out almost word for word in the bible and honestly most other ancient texts that seek to achieve balance and harmony with man, his (or her) peers and the surrounding society. But nowadays everyone is too tech savvy for this, too on point, too keeping it real, too chasing after the golden egg, too rough too tough, two tight Afro puffs and too miserable. So their fellow human who might appreciate a kind word or gesture gets bulldozed and bludgeoned by the verbal stones that most of us happily hurl on a daily basis. 'Cause we "keep it real."

The needs I am referencing are much simpler than anything I am referencing above. I'm talking about the basics that every man should have once he becomes a man, unless he opts not to.

• My wife wakes me up in the middle of the night to tell me I'm breathing heavy (not snoring). But she doesn't ask if I'm okay.

• We have a standing "last one up" rule. The last one up shuts everything down. My wife will sometimes come upstairs after watching television and wake me up to tell me to turn the light off on my side of the bed...because it's on my side.

• My wife gets up to use the restroom in the middle of the night jumps back into bed and throws herself across three quarters of it and wakes me up to tell me I'm hogging up most of the bed. I often wake up to find myself staring at the floor from the sliver of mattress I'm sleeping on. And what she believes is me is typically a pillow or the comforter.

But I'm the bad guy...

After being yelled at in the morning for the umpteenth time for reasons that clearly must have been valid enough for it to be done in front of my sixteen year old son and my five year old daughter my daughter asked
the following question:

"Daddy, why are you and mommy not nice to each other."

I recently attended Digital Atlanta, which I almost missed because I thought it was this week and not the one that just passed. I attended one event on how to use of video to drive online traffic where my friends were panelists and was inspired in the process. @LamarTyler, @AmaniChannel and @Jeffrey_Funk are titans in the online video game and shared their stories about the power of video over straight writing and in addition to it. I don't have a video camera nor a DSLR with a video function nor any editing software that will generate the kind of results I would demand of myself. But I do have a new iPhone and I found a nifty little App called Splice which allowed me to do produce the following...



If you like the video, please share and join my YouTube Channel.

PS - Please excuse the camera shake (where it wasn't intended). This was my very first time shooting and editing video - all inside a phone at that.

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I'm very happy to be able to provide a platform here. I'm also glad to be able to share the voices of other men who share the same if not more passion for the subjects of manhood, fatherhood and marriage. Joe B of Manhood V. Dadhood is one such gentleman. Please check out his contribution to Makes Me Wanna Holler and give him some love over where he blogs.

Joe B and son

I am a Special Education teacher, and I spend much of my days communicating with students who are unable to speak, or understand spoken or written language. In working with individuals with this obstacle, many people forget or don't realize that BEHAVIOR IS LANGUAGE.

We have five senses, and we take in information from all five senses. The way we learn about how we are supposed to act is through what we hear and what we see. I am the youngest of 7 in a blended family, so I am naturally a people-watcher.

Me, Thinking

In 21 days I will be 40...

There's nothing grave in this statement for me. I don't plan on losing my mind. Although my wife has talked about trading me in on more than one occasion, I have no desire to swap her out for a newer model with more gizmos and options. You won't see a taxi cab yellow and chrome chopper sitting sparkling in my driveway. I won't be in a convertible at least until I'm able to put my current alternator-free SUV back on the streets. I don't plan on buying a four carat diamond to stick in the vacant piercing in my left ear. Nope - no mid life crisis for me.